''You know the saying that says that time heals all wounds, and it will all feel better as the years go by.
Yeah, that wasn't my case at all because my wounds were still very wide open and it guilt like hell as the guilt kept on eating me alive.
The image of that night was still so very fresh in my head, making me wonder and ask myself every single day that if I had done things differently that day, would it have happened the way it did.
If I had just listened to him and not been a stupid, stubborn teenager, if I had just obeyed him and I had not to go out to that party, my dad would still have been there with me.
Oh goodness............. so many what if's," I said to myself, letting out a breath I didn't know I was holding as I sunk further into an abyss of self-pity
Why did I have to argue with him, why did I have to make him lose focus?
The accident was all my fault and I have hated myself ever since.
Isabella, why didn't you listen to me,'' my father yelled at me as he pulled me out of the party?
stop trying to control my life dad............ I'm a grown-ass woman,'' I said, freeing myself from his grip.
Isabella! He screamed in anger.
Stop it, dad, you can't keep doing this, I'm going back in there and there is nothing you can do about it,'' I said, standing my ground as I turned my back to him about to walk back into the party.
but before I knew it, he sprung me around, lifting me and threw me over his shoulder.
As far as you are living in my house, you fucking live by my rules............... I'm still your father's younger lady,'' he said as he started walking to his car with me still over his shoulder.
“Dad, you are embarrassing me, put me down,'' I screamed, throwing a raging tantrum.
'' Even with my constant screaming and yelling, my dad didn't waver as he continued to move towards the car.
stopping....... he put me down, forcing me into the car.
it's for your own good kiddo,'' he said calmly as he closed the door and went over to the driver's seat, driving off immediately.
'' The car ride was so silent that if a pin dropped, it could be heard from a mile away.
'' Suddenly, still with the raging anger within me, I said something I shouldn't have, something that changed my life forever.
I HATE YOU SO MUCH ............ I REGRET EVER KNOWING YOU
If she had been here this would never have happened, now I can see why she left us because you are an overbearing control freak,'' I said in anger as I looked out the window.
Isabella.................... '' he whispered my name slowly with remorse in his voice, which made me look at him.
but before I knew it, it all happened so fast I saw a truck coming right at us.
Dad, look out," I screamed, and that was the last thing I could remember.
(End of flashback)
The last things I can remember saying to him were so terrible.
I didn't hate him, I didn't regret knowing him, he was the only true family I have ever had. Now he is gone because of my foolishness.
My mom left us when I was only 3 years old and it was my dad who had raised me all by himself.
how stupid I was not to have seen that.
It has been 5 years since the accident, and I'm turning 21 in a week. I have decided to leave this small town for good, leaving all the baggage and demons from my past.
Leaving the guilt and nightmares I had every night in this house, this whole town was a reminder of everything I had lost, and I am still losing and I just couldn't take it anymore. I needed a fresh start and moving out of here to New York would help me do that.
21 is going to be a new start for me," I said to myself.
'' It was finally the day, my birthday was here. Waking up to my normal routine. Ever since the accident, I have had only one simple routine, which was
. Wake up, eat, go to school, go to work, then back home. I didn't have friends anymore , maybe because they all saw me as the weirdo orphan girl now.
Everyone kept their distance from me except for Judith, the old lady next door. After my father's death, Judith took care of me, hiding me from the authorities until I turned 18 and was able to live on my own. She was the only family I had here and I hated that I had to leave her all alone.
Walking down the stairs to the living room, I saw her setting up a little birthday cake for me.
Even though I never wanted to celebrate my birthday ever since the accident, Judith still went out of her way to get me a cake every year.
Isabella my darling ....... Happy birthday," she smiled, kissing my cheeks.
Judith, you shouldn't have," I said, giving her a hug.
Judith just rolled her eyes at me as she pulled me towards her, for her to have a better look at me.
Don't you know the drill now? You always say you don't want to celebrate every year, and still, I do what I want,'' she said, smiling as she pulled me close to the cake lit with 21 candles.
“yes... I counted them all.
Make a wish honeybun,'' she said with excitement in her voice
So I closed my eyes, knowing I had only one wish
''A FRESH START''
After blowing off my candles, Judith gave me a slice as we both sat on the swing chair looking over at the town.
Judith ........... '' I called out to her
Yes dear......'' she answered, looking at me, but I didn't look at her, as I was so scared of how to break the news of me leaving.
I need to tell you something," I said, fidgeting with the hem of my dress.
Isabella, you know you can tell me anything,'' she reassured me.
I'm leaving Judith .......'' I said, looking at her as I could see her face fall in dismay.
“I just can't stay here any longer, I can't keep up with all these memories, with this guilt,'' I said, looking down again as I could feel the tears rolling down my eyes.
“Isa.... what happened was not your fault my child, so don't beat yourself up for what you had no control over," she said, lifting my face to look at her as she cleaned the tears away from my eyes.
Even though it would kill me and I would miss you so much, my child, I will support your decision. You are a grown-up woman. You can decide for yourself.
So go explore the world and see where life takes you," she said, hugging me so tightly.
thank you so much, Judith ..........'' I said, crying into her shoulder
Look at me Isabella, don't forget to call or visit me when you have the chance. Remember age is fast catching up with me," she said and smiled as I nodded.
I love you so much my child," she said, hugging me again.
love you too ......
''it was finally time for my trip, and I was filled with several mixtures of emotions that I couldn't quite handle.
''I couldn't believe I was leaving the house I grew up in, where I had all my good and also my bad memories too.
'' Taking a deep breath, I packed up all my things as I made my way down the stairs to meet Judith, who was already crying where she stood.
Don't forget to call," she said a thousand times, and I nodded each time she mentioned it.
'' We both walked out. As I turned to lock the door to my house, it was harder than I thought as I was going to lock all my memories and even my demons in there.
Closing my eyes and taking in several deep breaths, I locked the door as I walked over to the car with my heart beating heavily in my chest.
Waving goodbye to Judith, I was soon on my way to the airport.
Looking back at Judith and my house, I couldn't help but allow the tears to fall.
'' I'm so sorry DAD," I said to myself as I sunk deep into the car seat.
Getting to the airport, and in no time I boarded a plane going to New York.
I sat on the seat replaying everything in my head that had led me to this point.
I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, slowly wandered off to sleep, saying.
New city, please be good.