C2 Silver

[Shinai Indigo]

Jordan wasn't the first guy I like romantically. It is a bitter sweet fact that needs to be let out on the open. The notion of liking someone developed each time I harbor romantic feelings towards a certain individual. I who was still a kid back then—lacking the sense of maturity didn't understand the stages of crushing on someone. My haughty manner and my own disorganized thoughts undermined my ability to be closely acquainted towards someone— especially towards the first person I liked. My first crush.

He gives me headaches. Not all the time but still I still get headaches because of him.

Always trying to make jokes that are not even funny. It did not bring me amusement. But to be fair, the jokes are not mostly addressed for me. Those were for his gals, his best friends. His quirks, that punchlines that does not make any sense. I heard them all. I was annoyed but I choose to listen. Those jokes were not laughable but his friends laughed at it.

He was constantly talking a lot of nonsense that are giving me a major anger issue. That nonsense blabbers. He wasn’t talking to me but still, I don’t think it is quite entertaining. I do not even understand Jordan. He always looked so totally engrossed about it. If I will assess their relationship-I might conclude those two are dating. Very close pals. Inseparable.

Wearing clothing apparels and shoes that resembles my sense of fashion. And it did get into my nerves. It created an ebullition within me, pent up anger gradually builds inside that is been wanting to come out full force and throw it in front of his face.

My 8th year old self is always been wanting to carry a spray that contains a pesticide to school, for some bad intrusive thoughts that she kept on entertaining inside her cute little brain. Because my younger self thinks he is such a pest (a destructive mite) in maintaining peace within my mental state.

He crosses my mind a lot. Maybe it was for the urge I had to do something with what I felt for him. I was extremely mad at him. For unknown reasons. I just felt mad because he constantly bothers my mind. That I want him out of my sight but I cannot do much about it. Because I will get to see his face every day. I cannot avoid him. I kept seeing him-because we’re classmates.

Sylvester Van Croix, the first on the list. Because he was the first ever human being that I developed a crush on. I was young. And I did not even recognize that I was crushing on him. I realized it late. Too late. Like a few years already had passed-before I accepted that I liked him.

The entire experience is not that great. Not so exciting for me-for the present Shinai. It was not totally exciting for my recent self. But for her, for the younger Shinai she liked it. She liked him. She was just to young to realize that she had feelings for what she thought was one of her enemies. The rate will be 5/10.

Thanks to Silver, he certainly left an impact that somehow had helped me to have a better idea of how to deal with my romantic impulses, my impulses of attaching my own damn feelings towards a guy. I want to add some more information explaining the reason why I am feeling somewhat thankful for the experience. But it was too deep. And if l will compare it to the depths of Atlantic Ocean, it is incomparable. Because the ocean is way more deeper than my own sentiment. And I do not want to ruin my lighthearted approached that I used from the very beginning that I started to divulge my thoughts on writing this one. It will ruin my intention. And I do not want my scheme to fall into ruins.

Let us say nothing is set in stone, anything at any given moment has the capacity to go through a change. We can all went through changes- whether it will be such a tiny little bit of amendment or a massive one that can transform your life forever. It is still a change. Right now- I might not like to share those deeper yet hidden reasons about the gritty petty sentimental thoughts that I have. I most likely to admit that- I am still not yet ready to tackle about every single one of those reasons I have kept mostly to myself. But- the further time passes. I might let it all out of my chest… Someday, somehow…. I will be able to reflect back to remember those experiences.

“What’s up with him, Sunny?” I asked my friend while eyeing Silver.

I don’t want to assume anything but, I can feel something in my gut with what’s happening these last few weeks. A color coordination. The rainbow- all the colors of the rainbow was present. The 7 colors participated with the synchronicity. I have been putting things into deep introspection lately. I have been analyzing this weird stuff that is been going around. I began to shake my head in disbelief. I still cannot believe that something- something is happening without my awareness.

“Why? You mean he is way more egotistical than last week?” Sunny asked. She never liked Silver. Maybr it was because it was easy for him to inattentively disregard her when she asked for his help solving the mathemtical problem.

I did not answer her. Egotistical. Well, he sure is full of ego. And he takes pride with that. I do not have a problem with his ego though. And I do not care if he is not planning in toning it down even just for a little bit.

That is his life. He decides for himself.

I mean- I do not even want to intervene with his way of approaching people and situations. Because for sure, he will not even consider any advice that can possibly step on his ego. He does not like people who intervenes with his business.

Why did I even bother to pay attention to this guy anyway? I mean- I used to not care about him and his whereabouts but he is been bothering my mind for weeks now. Or it was even months ago? I am not really sure.

His eyes went on us. As he whispered something on Jordan’s ear. That boy also looked at us and then smiled. That made me want to know the words he said because I kind of felt that it is somehow insulting. I am sure that was an insult. I do not need any proof. I mean- I heard a lot of insults from his mouths. It almost comes out naturally without him having to try that hard. The kind of teases that can really trigger the other person. Some of those- was not even intentionally given to the receiver. But most of it- he meant them.

I remember how Jordan got pissed one time because of something he said and they got into a fight where they throw punches at each other, only to be back as friends after the fight. I can still recall how their anger turned into laughter after a few hours had passed before their punching incident. From punching each other’s faces to putting their arms on each other’s shoulders. Was it really common for guys to act like that? It was cool to watch but at the same time it’s pretty weird. I do not seem to understand the narrative-nor to connect the dots about the incident.

“Let’s go back inside, Shinai. We have to get ready for the next subject.” I was brought back from my over thinking when I heard Sunny’s voice. And I also didn’t notice that those boys already went inside the room and the only people left outside was just me (who stares blankly on the large tree in front of us) and Sandy (whose gaze looked confused and worried because of the fact that her friend is slowly getting crazy).

“Okay.” I said almost in a whisper. But-I still want to sit on the tree trunk though…

(Flash-forward: On the 6th day of March, Friday)

“I love this purple shirt. So far, I feel like I am royalty.” I said it loud and clear enough to get someone’s attention. Which was expectedly given to me because he looked at me and then mouth the word “weirdo”. He then shook his head twice before writing something in his notebook. I wonder what he writes on it- was it good or he was writing the lists of bad things about me?

I scoffed at him and slammed my notebook on the table feeling angry because I did not like the reaction that he gave me. Am I a weirdo? I think the best thing to describe me is- amazing.

“I can’t wait for Sunnyy to arrive.” I said to myself. I am used to her being early. Earlier than me. I do not know why she goes to school too early every day- there is nothing exciting in here. To force yourself to get out of your bed when you could have stayed a little bit longer, waking up before the sun rises getting ready, and go to school at exactly 6:00 A.M. That is Sandy’s routine. I mean- her secret routine. She only shares it to me. And told me to not tell anyone- or else she will end our friendship. Who does that? Threatening your own friend to keep your secret, a secret. But who cares? I’m not friends with the people in class anyway- so her secret’s safe.

“Too bad she’s not going to school this day and you’ll be spending your break time alone in the cafeteria.” I glared at him. Why-why does he has to interrupt me when I am doing some mental self-talk?

“And so?” It is too early to quarrel with him. But if he will be insisting to pick a fight- then why not? I can give it to him for free.

“Nothing. I’m just informing you. Heard her wailed at her mom this morning, begging to not send her off to school today because she does not want to take the quiz.” He was so cool by the way he answers me. Way to cool.

Sunny not wanting to go to school? That’s new. But I guess the topic did stress her out- I like her reason of escaping from it. Should I go back home too? I sighed. I should have decided on it before I dragged my legs to go here. I forgot that I was conversing with Silver- so I give him my not so free glance.

“I-”. He didn’t let me finished my sentence before saying his thoughts.

“There is no need in saying thank you, Nai. I don’t need that. What I need is for you to treat me some snacks during our break time.” That made my brain stopped- I think I forget my reply.

I tsked at him. “What makes you think I will be submitting myself to your demand, huh? And besides you are the one who simply intervened my conversation with myself. Thinking that the question I uttered was for you to be answered. It is certainly not. I hope you get it” My eyebrows still raised. And I am not planning to switch it down for him. It will not happen. My raising of eyebrows, I want to keep doing it.

“Don’t worry. I’ll treat you too with some food downtown after school anyway.” He responded casually with the use of his cool tone. The trade is good. Food downtown are mouth-watering. And having him with me will be a good thing. I will get to pick a lot of food- and he will pay everything for me. I smiled while thinking of the idea that I have in mind. Applause-this guy is not thinking of the consequences he will encounter later. That kind of offer- is very favorable for someone like me who likes food badly.

I pretend to think about his offer and stared at him for a few seconds. Before twitching the corners of my mouth to say something.

“Okay, fine. I accept it. But I hope you will be able stick with your words, Sylvester. He just nodded his head as a response.

Question: When did we really started to grow closer together? Are we that close? Because things where left undefined. Both of us were not the kind of being clear of drawing the line. The line that can distinguish whether we are considering each other as friends or just a mere acquaintance. We did not think about making that decision. So things are left that way- I didn’t think much about it, neither was he.

Flashback:

“Hamlet is such a nice guy.” I said it out of nowhere. Without even bothering whether if the people in my class heard what I said. It doesn’t matter. I am not restricted from having to express my words and to care about what others are thinking in their heads about it. And I don’t want to be put into restriction when it comes to the proposition of expressing my beliefs, my thoughts, and myself.

I hate the idea of being deprived of the freedom of expression. I have gone through situations where I was held back by those adults who love to meddle themselves just because the person-they are talking to was just a kid. Just a kid. That is why they think they are superior. That they are always the righteous ones. The ones who are always right- and the words that came out of their mouths were the truths. That whatever they are doing is supposed to be followed because- THEY ARE ALWAYS IN THE RIGHT. And when the young ones disagree with them- they will be calling them disrespectful. And that they should learn to have proper mannerisms. Emphasizing the fact – that children will always respect their elders. What if those elders where the ones who are in the wrong? You think the idea of letting them get away with it- is okay? Letting their wrongdoings slide? And just watch with your own two eyes without doing anything to at least defend yourself? To at least stop them from trying to belittle you-because in a literal sense you are little? Hypocrites. Why can’t they criticize themselves instead of picking on kids like me. I am tired of it. Not being able to do something- to protect me from people like them.

“What now? Just because he’s a nice guy you’ll be crushing on him?”. The voice. I can now feel the anger in my nerves as I turned towards its owner. Why does he always love to participate in my self-talk?

“Why would you even care?” I lessened the pitch. I am acting out of defense. My thought stirred some emotions on me today.

He chuckled. “Is there any problem with my question? You could have stated your answer instead of throwing another question, Shinai.”

“What are you, a teacher?”

“No, but I’m planning on becoming one someday.”

“Good for you then.” I answered. Trying to put an end to the conversation.

“Now back to my question, that Hamlet. Do you like him already?”

“Of course, no. I just said it because I remember how Mom looked so proud while saying his name.”

“Let me guess. One of your mom’s student?”

“Uh, yes.”

“That explains why.”

“Explains what, Silver?”

“It’s because you’re jealous with the attention your Mom gave towards that student of hers. And now-look at you. Trying to ignore the feeling with the compensation of making yourself be at eased with that positive comment instead of saying what you truly meant.”

“I-I mean what? Where did you get that assumption? I-I don’t.” I stopped. I can feel my voice shake. I am not comfortable of showing my vulnerable side. Looking pitiful in front of him? He will make fun of my situation. I am sure he will love the outcome if I’ll lose my cool.

“There’s no point in denying the truth, your truth.” He emphasized.

“You’re right, I-I am jealous. Because she had his time with Mom everyday. While me, I only got to see her during evenings. And during evenings she will be too tired- and I couldn’t talk much about what I experienced in school, what made my day happy. Because she will be busy handling her after work life that she didn’t have enough time to at least have a talk with her daughter. And- and even during moments where I received my awards and achievements she couldn’t even go here and place every medal I had on me, she always couldn’t make it. Do I feel the need to voice it all out on her? Of course, NO. Because I couldn’t, because I am being petty. Those students on her school always had her full attention. And me I feel like I am left out here, feeling colder than even. I do not have anyone to share about the things I am bottling and battling inside. Forcing myself to be independent because my parents couldn’t give fit their kid to be a part of their schedule-to give me their time even just for bit. To give me their attention even just for a while. They said I am a good kid- looking like I don’t need much assistance from them where in fact I am needing the attention of my parental figures in life because I am still a kid. There, I said it. I overshared this and now you can use it all against me now, Sylvester.” I blurted angrily.

His face still looks cool. He sighed after hearing my words. For a kid’s perspective. I think we’re both acting too mature with this conversation.

“It’s valid. Your reasons are valid. Although there are some things that you need to reconsider. I am not here to invalidate your feelings, Nai. But you know what- that’s not a great way to cope with your pain. If you are in pain, then acknowledge what’s hurting you. You can let yourself feel your emotions instead of bottling it all up only to end up exploding it all in the end. It’s not healthy. Because what if you’re in a situation where that emotional outbursts of yours aren’t suitable to be expressed?”

“You’re the one who started this. If you could just let it slip and if you leave me alone. None of these emotional outbursts, will be out in front of you.”

“Your facial expression says it all, Shinai. You are not good at hiding your emotions that much because it’s still brought to the surface. I talk to you because I am curious and, I want to know what you’re feeling because I care about you. Okay?”

After that conversation with him something in me had changed. The reason? It’s still unknown. The guy that I didn’t even consider as a friend started to caught my attention. I started to observe him every single day that we are sitting inside the class, when we were in the school gym for our PE sessions, when he is laughing with Jordan and his friends, when he looked my way with that smile on his face, when his mouth stopped talking to look at me when I am near from his seat. There are so much more on the lists and the most important things that I think is in need to be addressed it the fact that he will change shirts- wearing the colors that match the ones that I am wearing every Friday were students are allowed to wear their civilian clothes.

Flash-forward:

“It’s her birthday tomorrow.” I heard Jordan as I am about to sit in front of them.

“I know.” He answered.

“You are invited?” Jordan asked seriously.

“Yes.” Sylvester timidly stated.

“And what’s your plan? What are you going to give to her?”

Silver was about to say something but didn’t opened his mouth to answer. Instead, he looked around only to catch me behind them. He looked at me plainly and gestured Jordan to look behind him too which he immediately did. Now the two of them are looking at me without saying anything.

“You can continue what you two are talking about in the first place. I-I will go.” I didn’t look back and walk away from them. It’s a good thing. Something in me fluttered but I am convincing myself to not expect something from him. Expectations can sometimes be disappointing. So, it is best to keep things with some neutrality in me.”

My birthday came and some of my classmates came. But he is not with them.

“Shall we begin your birthday celebration, Shinai?” My mom said.

“Uhm. Can we wait for a few more minutes, Mom? It’s still early. We can wait for some of the visitors.”

My mom nodded in response with a smile on her face. I smiled at her too hoping that she didn’t caught me and my dumb reason. Because all of the people who are invited are already here and the only one who is missing is him. She shrugged her head before going back to the kitchen.

A few more minutes had passed but he still didn’t arrive yet.

“Shinai, it is time to start baby. You cannot let them keep waiting. Time is clicking, kid.” My dad uttered.

“You are right, dad. We can start now.” I answered sadly.

He didn’t arrive.. But I had a great time celebrating my birthday. But it would’ve been much better if he’s also there to celebrate it with me.

“Can we talk?” I heard him say during our afternoon break time.

I didn’t look at him. Not because I’m mad, it’s because I’m upset that my expectation got ahead of me and messed my emotions.

“I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to attend your birthday. Something came up. I needed to do follow my Mom’s order.”

I finally looked at him and pursed my lips in a thin line. “It’s okay. No biggies.”

Then it became the end of it. I stopped talking to him. I avoided getting close to him. I caught him looking at me always, but I acted like I didn’t care. It was safer that way. I didn’t want to get carried away with the feelings I have for him. That I decided to avoid it at all cost, even deep down I know it hurts me. I admit- I like Silver. He was one of the very few people who listens. Who pays attention- the person who cares to make space for me to be free in showing the side of me that is needing attention. And Silver had done it without any judgement. While I am concealing my feelings I busied myself—attentively entertaining a certain guy that caught my interest. That I forget about my feelings for Sylvester for a while.

Graduation came. Sylvester is standing in front of me with a big brown teddy bear, it is bigger than me. It has a red bow tie on its neck, its eyes enthralled me. I like it.

“For you, I bought it a week before your birthday. I didn’t have the chance to give this to you so I am taking the chance to give it to you now.”

I smiled at him and took the bear and carry it using my arms.

He smiled at me before turning his back and he then started to walk away very slowly.

“Silver.” I muttered. “Thank you for this. And I am sorry for giving you the silent treatment up until this time.”

“Don’t worry, Shinai. You just did what you think is best for you. I never hated your decision, so don’t worry about what happened. And besides- we need a lot of growing up. Good luck with your next journey. We will be seeing each other around.”

He waved his hand before walking away…

Such a bittersweet experience. Looking back at it I could not help myself but to be thankful. His qualities are one of a kind. If I will be comparing it from todays modern men and guys. Where acting all cold- is a great trait to have. Well-I am here to state this. Acting like you don’t care just to have some self-preservation and have that gratification within is not a good thing. Having no sympathy is unattractive- having empathy is. I hope his qualities evolved into something that is much better than it was back then. I smiled at my thought, knowing Sylvester I am sure the yesterday memory I had of him was something that shaped his character for the better.

I saw his growth. He did became better- exceeding the limits of my expectations of him…