C3 Aivan, the passerby

[Shinai Indigo]

Have you ever met someone who loves eye-contact?

I am never been fond of continuously having to hold your gaze at someone without any purpose as to why I am are even doing this thing. I think holding your gaze towards someone is inessential. It is a waste of time.

Why would you waste seconds just to look at someone when you could give your gaze to things that are much more meaningful. Like looking at the evergreen shrubs. Appreciating the glowing sun. Looking at the flowers—treating them like the precious living thing they are. Flowers are deserving of more appreciation from us. They deserved better.

I just cannot comprehend this idea of wating eye contact.

Maybe it is because I am uncomfortable with people having to give me glances or giving me the look like there is something wrong with me.

I mean-why though?

Especially during moments where people are driving me nuts because of the fact that their gazes looked like they are judging my whole existence?

You don’t need to do that. You do not need to waste your gazes on me.

Because of this- my overly self-critical felt overwhelmed sometimes. There came a time where I became paranoid- and all I can ever mind is those glances and the thought that they are judging me and there is something wrong with me.

I realized that sometimes- it was just my brain playing tricks on me. My brain tricking me into making problems were in reality there is none. And the gazes from people is something that shouldn’t affect me. To the odd people who gave me weird looks and the expression of disapproving- I don’t need you to add more judgement in my life. Got it? So, please if you ever thought of eyeing someone-do it in a more subtle manner and not something that can make the person feel self-conscious of his or herself.

Back to the message, sometimes I really want to know what’s behind people’s reasons as to why they like to prolonged their eye-contact on someone whom they just met. And I want to ask a specific person.

I want to ask Aivan Vincent as to why he always loves to looked at me. He looks dumb while constantly checking me out and smiling like an idiot. I don’t like that kind of look he always gave me when I am catching his stare. He will be flashing that smile that I want to wipe off his face. But-sadly. I cannot do something that can finally put an end to what he’s been showing me from the very start I saw him at the front door of our classroom during 4th grade. But first things first- I liked Silver back then. And I always held my attention solely towards him. That I didn’t like Aivan’s strange gazing.

Flashback: First day of classes around the month of June

I really hate going to school. I am not the type of kid who feels excited to go back to class and sit on my desk doing things that a student should do. Taking notes, notes that aren’t even in connection to the topic being discussed.

You will be wasting paper.

Aside from that you will be listening to your teacher talk in front of you for the whole day. I get it.

Education is important. It is just sometimes I am not enthusiastic enough to be an attentive listener to my teacher which is the speaker. Because sometimes teachers speak things that are out of context to what was supposed to be the gist of the day’s discussion. But it was totally alright. At the very least it is a good distraction for them to be fully immersed in the lesson. Them talking about their life experiences- lessens the amount of time to discussed the lesson. And you don’t even need to feel guilty about not learning something for the day.

It’s great. A get away to study something later after school.

I was sitting on my sit. My eyes are travelling inside the room to look at the faces of my classmates whom I did not even miss.

They still have the same faces, not unless they have decided to ask for their parents to get them to see a doctor for their face surgery.

It will be not easy. And they are still young. Might as well do it when you are old enough and you do earn a living to maintain your ever refreshing youthful look.

Just like my mom, who always want to look young and be beautiful.

I got a chat with her yesterday and listen to her complains about why she is into the idea of getting a nose job because she thinks that her nose is not appealing enough whenever she takes selfies.

I had fun- listening to her. I grabbed that chance to sit with her and to listen to her talk about it- although I didn’t understand much of what she was saying. But still-I sat looking like an ever-attentive listener.

That moment is only one of those few moments I can get the opportunity to spend time with my own mother.

Now, let us get back to what is happening inside our classroom. I continued to look around trying to look for something that can be interesting and worthy to even settle my gaze at even though I feel that my surrounding area is disappointing. I shake my head in agreement to that thought.

I can’t wait to go home and just look at the fresh flowers in my mom’s garden and admire the beauty of her domestic plants she had put in display for visitors to compliment. I still search until my gaze stopped towards someone who is laughing happily with his seatmate.

This face is someone new. His light-brown hair seems to looked lighter as he run his fingers in combing it. His eyes a little bit chinky. I cannot really pinpoint whether he has some kind of Japanese or Chinese blood within him. Who cares anyway? It is just me who is curious. They say curiosity kills a cat. Too bad I am a human.

So, I will be fueling my curiosity until I can feel the satisfaction flowing in my body.

His lips, I don’t know. It looked like he it got stung by a bee because it looked big and plumpy. I think the size of his lips- perfectly suits him. Just right for his age.

His skin color, the usual of course. It is white.

His nose bridged kind of pointed but his nose, average in size. Not that big nor too small.

His eyes. It looks watery. I don’t even know if I am making the right kind of description in terms of how his eyes are like but his eyes looked okay to me. You can feel his emotions just by seeing his eyes and now- I froze from my sit. Because right this very moment he is now looking at me.

His eyes went bigger for a while before it turned back to its original form. The smile slowly disappears from his face and turned into a cocky one. He rested his elbows on the table, got his chin up and put his hands below it. And-yes. Like the judge you have in a singing contest. He is now acting like that right now. And here I am feeling like I am in some sort of audition where I don’t know what will be the general reaction that I will be getting from this new boy in class that I am now having an eye-contact with.

“Do you find her pretty?” I heard Jordan holding out his laughter while also looking at me. So, I raised my eyebrows at him then glared at him furiously.

The boy smiled almost in a manner that he heard something so pleasant that seems like a music in his ears.

His gaze went back towards where I am at and then I heard him answered, “Yes, she looks beautiful.”

It took me a few seconds to regain my composure. My brain stops working for a while because I cannot think of any reply to give him so I just rolled my eyes at the two of them and frowned… Hiding the fact that I liked what he said. I never received a lot of compliments telling me that I looked pretty. And what he did- somewhat makes me happy. And I appreciated the gesture- he is straightforward. Didn’t even hold himself back from saying it. Which is nice. But still-I don’t like the way he is staring at me.

If it is from Silver- I think I will probably like it- a little amount of liking from my part will be done.

Silver isn’t here. He is absent. Taking his absence during the first day of class? He missed to seize an opportunity to enjoy it. First day of classes are serve as a postponement- because after the first week things are about to get serious in terms of taking classes.

Break time came and I was about to go inside the room when he blocks my way. He is looking at me with the same kind of smile he showed me earlier.

“What?” I said at him in an unfriendly tone.

His boyish grin is now obvious but he wasn’t even saying anything which I think is a total waste of time. I pushed my way to head inside. But we kept on heading in the same direction- that made me stop to say something, so he can get out of my way.

“I don’t like the way you looked at me. So, if you are compassionate enough you can now drop that gaze and stop looking at me.” His smile reaches his eyes and his grin is wider than ever. And it made my jaw-dropped. Unbelievable. Totally unbelievable.

Queenie was right. He is a trouble maker. I listened to her— she was my seatmate for the day. Who blabbers about him- paid my attention to the details. She said- Aivan is always wanting to start trouble with anyone that very reason why his parents had decided to move him to be transferred to another school in the hopes of having to have their son’s reputation turned into a good one. I tsk at the thought. There is no way their son is going to change his ways. For sure he will create more headache for his parents to think and accept that their son is troublesome.

“Okay. I will do your request Ice Princess.”

I nod my head. Finally- he gets. Oh wait- what did he just called me? I glared at him and he just shrugged his shoulders. And started to walk away from where we are currently standing from…

NOW BACK TO THE PRESENT:

What happened? Well- it turned out to be great. I did not hate him for that long because something happened that made me change the way I perceive him. We became good friends. And he was not really the kind of person who is a trouble maker. He is fun to be with. He became one of those people who made the school year a nice experience.

An 8/10. Our friendship did not last long because something happened that made him distance himself from me. Which totally acceptable. He has the very right to do that. What happened was a bitter-sweet experience. Just like with Silver. But it thought me something valuable.

Too never judge someone too early and to wait for things to unfold before you can form a conclusion.

To Aivan:

Thank you and I am sorry. Thank you because we became friends unexpectedly. I wasn’t aware that the hating game I put upon you will slowly turn into something treasurable. Those three years having you in my life is something that I am thankful for. Thank you for always been there for me when I am needing your appearance to aid me. Those moments where we find ourselves enjoying the sunsets, loving the walks and bike rides, the picnics, the gifts you gave even though I never even ask you to give me one. Those gifts are still with me. I put it into a treasure box- hid it so I can come back on it again to remind myself that someone made me feel special. It always stems from a genuine act. I never told you how to act when you are with me but I am grateful because you never failed to show me how amazing you are as a friend. I am sorry because I never really take your feelings too seriously. I used to think that it was something that aren’t that deep-and it will be easy for you to forget about it. When you shouted that you love the girl who wears the blue skater skirt. When you admitted to Queenie that your favorite person was me and that you really like the feeling of seeing me around. All those words you say behind my back that were all nice. All those gifts that you handed during random moments. For the way you are always been attentive whenever I will say something. I am always thankful for that but I grew to love you as one of my friends which I hold closely to my heart. I am sorry I couldn’t give you the response of affection that you deserve. I am sorry that I turned you down. I didn’t put a romantic affliction to what you had done for me- I can only think of it as a friendly act. I did not mean to intentionally hurt you. I was used to your presence in my life- always there for me. That I didn’t even think that I was hurting you every time I talk about him. Your intentions are sincere- so candid. That sometimes I took advantage of your feelings for me. I was not able to say sorry- during the time you chose to walk away because you were deeply hurt. I was wrong- because I did let you walk away without saying anything. And instead- fueled my ego. I invalidate your reasons- and only look after my own. I blamed you for making that decision- and forgot to reflect how my actions had affected you. I was selfish- it was lurid. But I came to a realization that neither the two of us were in the wrong. I am seeing you around and I am happy that you are doing good. Our connection ended up foggy between the two of us and there was no closure to clear things out but I am glad that we are now in a place where both of us are doing just fine, separately…

From,

Shinai Indigo

One thing I learned about this one is to watch out- to be wary of the truth that sometimes the other isn’t the only one responsible to be blamed- or to take the blame. We need to know that we are capable of intentionally or unintentionally hurt someone.

I accepted that my personality appears to be a bit problematic sometimes- but I am continuously learning, evolving, and implementing everything I learned- to do some intimate reflection with myself to make myself better. It took me a lot of time to own up to the mistakes I have done.

To hold myself accountable- because sometimes the one who appears having toxicity is me…