C5 The Rockstar

[Shinai Indigo]

Let’s be honest with the fact that at a certain point of our youth we activated the feeling of likeness towards someone who performs and enjoys music. The crispness of a rocker, performing on stage. A sight worth watching. I love people who has the outlet to unleash their creativity through the creative expression they have chosen. It makes me feel inspired to take action on my own interest. And with my search for inspiration, I toppled over a Rockstar…

Leviticus, the lead singer and the bass guitarist of his own band. He goes with the nickname, Levi. The shortened cut out letters from his name. Average in height. This is all I can say about his height. And when I say his average, it is because he is a few centimeters taller than me.

A man with a lot of talents and hobbies. He loves to travel. Exploring lots of things that are a breath of fresh air. He loves to go snorkling beneath the surface of the water, surfing through the motion of the waves, sitting on restaurants near the sea to order his favorite drink. He loves that.

But how did I know about these facts? It is because we used to be friends on a social media app that allows people to share their photos and whereabouts every day. If it is another person, posting pictures I wouldn’t be that interested. Not unless I like you- or you are one of those people I love. Then I care about your whereabouts. An icy comment coming from me- but this is true.

One thing about me is that I do not like to seeing myself prying on people’s business that much. I used to be that kind of person-caring too much about what’s going on with the external vim. But through dealing with a lot of stuffs and mental anguish-maturity hit me. I stopped caring too much- and prefer to stay own my own lane. I learned my lesson.

Now back to the prying thing. It’s Levi. The phase of liking him made me snoop into him for quite some time. Why wouldn’t I pass on the opportunity to know his moves?

Levi is artsy. A man who loves art and likes to try doing things related to it. Edited pictures for his clients, making vlogs and photography. He is into drawing too. He is a multi-faceted human being. I saw every photos of beaches and sluicing water falls taken by him. He went to these places during days where the weather was too hot and it is a chance for a guy like him to do what he plans on doing.

He is into digital arts, as he has lots of creations that are posted on his social media account. I saw every single one of it. He is older than me. The age difference was the hindrance. It is what kept us apart.

DO NOT TAKE IT TOO SERIOUSLY. I am just joking.

But-yeah aside from being an older guy he is an active servant of his church. I think he is quite religious. I am not that sure. Why I am discussing information about him? It is because I find this man attractive. I prohibited myself into using my imaginative mind in daydreaming of having a possible relationship with him. I was secured by having to admire him from afar. In my perspective I just can’t form a mental image of us being together.

Levi is amazing- but he was not the person I think I should be in a relationship with. And if you are someone who wants to be inspired to elevate your creativity and pursue your creative sparks- and that you are looking for an inspiration. Levi is an example.

It happened during one boring afternoon.

(Flashback)

I am sitting on my seat waiting for a miracle to fall on my feet, something that would help me escape this history class that is been going on for an hour. I am not in the mood to deal with this class but do I have a choice? No. And that is the saddest part for me. I can’t sit still because I was supposed to do something else. I am supposed to give my concentration towards my concealed activities. Those work that I am doing behind the scenes- without people having to micromanage my moves. It is my favorite task. I am overexaggerating my feelings right now. But I couldn’t help to sit in this type of mentality- thinking that school is limiting my freedom into doing things that I really love. Not until- not until an announcement was heard. A visitor. A band. That will perform in our school to promote the value of faith. I remember how my eyebrows raised when I heard about it.

Finally- my gateway for avoidance. Been sitting here doing nothing but writing notes to be kept to be used—detailed information from the lesson are vital. It is needed if you want to ace your history exams.

I looked towards the door and saw- the guy who is walking on the field with a black backpack, a black converse shoes, a black rugged-jeans, paired with a black T-shirt, with a black obsidian bracelet on his wrist. Everything black- does it mean he love doomsday? I approved with the look. Black is beautiful. I put my pen on the table. Stopped myself from taking notes and decided to stare at him although there are other people with him too. My eyes are hooked unto him- and it is for him only the moment I laid at the sight of him. I do not care about who he has around with during the moment he captures my attention. My attention solely focuses on the guy having his preferred ebony aesthetic.

“What are you looking at?” My face become numb as my facial muscles started to get tensed. I was supposed to admire him even more but was interrupted with this guy whose face is an inch closer from mine as he leans to look too.

“Why don’t you sit properly, Jordan? You are on my back remember?” I snapped at him. He is creating a blockage- I was force to look at him instead of fully immersing my attention towards my newly-found crush.

“I was just looking.” He said in a sing-song voice enough to make me irritated. Since when does this guy- became so musically inclined into using this voice?

“It is the Lameca band.”

Jordan and I both looked at my seatmate, Hachiko. She busied herself on her notes not bothering the stares that we were giving to her. If I where her, she could just ask for some compensation money in behalf of the staring that we were doing freely. I wonder if she could even think of that way. I mean- everything in this world isn’t free anymore. And money will be the one to save us. I remembered Lana Del Ray and how I love the way she mentioned a part of her song lyrics that get stuck in my head and I think will stay with me till I reach the old age.

“How come you know about it, Hachiko? You do not look like someone who is into music.” I said without bothering whether it will come as an insult or not. Hachiko is someone who doesn’t take things too seriously and be overall dramatic with a comment and hold a grudge about it. She is pretty chill. You can talk to her about almost everything and she will be cool to take it.

“She can do what she wants without associating her look with what she fancies, Shinai. You are just like her you know- you have such great liking for flamingos without wanting to go out and try to look like them.”

I gasped. My eyes grew big from hearing Jordan, who looks satisfied with that smirk on his face. Hachiko showed no emotion- and it is not a new thing because she always looked stone-cold. Probably she forgot how to display some emotions aside from putting on an emotionless face. She is comfortable with that- and she can continue to keep up with that. I think I respect her dedication- showing the parts of herself she is comfortable with. Not minding the opinions of other people.

“Okay. This is enough for today. You can now proceed to the school gym.”

Our teacher stated before heading outside the classroom.

“Alright. I will see the two of you here.” Jordan immediately went to follow what our teacher did. The rest of the class went outside too.

“You’re going?” I asked Hachiko.

“I will just fix my things first.”

“I will wait for you then. Let us go there together.” I answered.

We are already inside the gym. Students flocked inside and it is making my mood even worst. I cannot breathe. And it is too hot in here. Not enough fans to cover up the temperature that is rising. I was struggling with the heat-not until my hair went all over the place when Jordan fanned me using a white folder aggressively. Not in a hostile way- he just exerts much effort in doing the fanning.

“Are you for real?” I shouted.

He just laughed at me- his fanning pace slowed down.

“You’re hot.” He said with a glint of whatever emotion in his eyes. I am not sure how it should be labeled. And I don’t want to bother myself about it even more.

“I know.” I confidently expressed my response. With holding my chin up acting like I am the Queen of Egypt. Feeling that I am Cleopatra during my past life and I am reincarnated again here on earth with the same slave who fanned me with a cyprus leaf back during the Egyptian era. Wait-maybe I was Cleopatra. I mentally slapped myself from the thought. How absurd.

“You are feeling hot because of the heated temperature. Just for clarifiers.” Jordan said while smirking.

“You can stop now.” I answered. He could have done the job for himself- to wave the thing he is holding to ventilate him.

He smiled and went beside me closer and fanned the two of us with a folder.

“I am hot too. Might as well share the coolness you are receiving from my service.”

“I didn’t tell you to do it, Jordan. You could’ve just fan yourself with that instead of wasting your force on me.”

He did not give me an answer. I looked at him and he widened his smile.

I shrugged my head twice before looking on stage. He is there with his bandmates, getting their equipment and instrument ready. So, they will give me- I mean the school a performance? And now it is my turn to smirk at the thought I just think of. I wonder what kind of performance he will give for us. Will it be worth it? Let’s see…

Boisterous sound of the instruments began and the students began to shout. The guy began to sing on the microphone as he strummed his black guitar. They started to do the drill of getting ready for their performance. His voice sounded raspy but it compliments the song well. He flashed a smile with his teeth. He looked good even with the resting expression on his face. Even without trying to show any emotions just like a while ago he manages to look appealing.

I have the clear view of his face right now- as he scanned his eyes around. His eyes met mine. I do not know if I am just having my phantasm. But- he looked way more handsome right now. His straight hair that is mid-length looks good.

I am using the word good too much. When I am not even fond of using it. I like to commit myself in using the word “bad” rather than the word I am using as an adjective for a guy I just met. I was busy thinking about my own thought, totally detaching myself. When he looked our way- I thought his heed is at me.

My eyes widened in astonishment. I forgot how to deal with my brain. It is misbehaving. It is making me assume again. My body literally froze, and I am standing like a statue. He smiled as he continued singing. A gleam of jolliness on his eyes. And I like it.

“What is his name?” I asked Hachiko.

“Leviticus. Most of the people who knew him calls him “Levi”.

“Leviticus.” I muttered under my breath as I keep holding the eye-contact we’ve been making until now.

[After the performance]

“I’ll add him. Gosh, he is just my type.”

“I feel you girl. What’s his socials?”

“Here.”

“I want to know too.”

“C’mon don’t leave me behind. Share the blessing.”

I listened to them as they giggled. Levi made them feel entice too. And I am not the only one who saw his amazing potential.

“How about you, Nai? You don’t want to add him?” Linda asked. She showed me her phone with Leviticus’ social media account on the screen.

“I’ll add him.” I responded carefully.

She smiled at me before going back to her seat resuming their girl talk.

I will add him later. After school…

[Later that evening]

After doing my evening self-care routine I opened my account and scrolled down to look if there is something interesting.

“Shall I send him a request?” I said to myself. I shake my head. I contemplate for a few minutes.

“Should I do it, Merrie?” I asked my house plant beside me.

I type his name on the search engine. And hit the button. That’s it. It is up to him if he will accept it or not. I will just let it sit on his request for a day if he’ll do nothing about it then I will unsent my request.

A “ding” was heard. He accepted my request. I smiled to myself. Wish was granted…

Saw Levi in many festivities. Aside from having the talent for music, he too is a photographer.

I walk through the left side of the road and he was standing on the other side smiling while his eyes are on me. I didn’t give that much reaction because I felt shy.

Met him a few times and he is still is comely. I was a little bit frustrated with the day way act during our random and unexpected meetings.

But-I understand it now. Everything was clear from the very first meeting. How could I miss the cue?

Myy resistance to fully get acquainted with him. Because Levi is and will be just one of the boys that I used to like before.

The reason why I cannot move forward with my romantic affiliations is that it is not him. I knew the answer from the very start. I always knew I am meant to be with someone who is the right one for someone like me.

The one who deserves to be love- the one who deserves to see his feelings being reciprocated back at him.

My unwillingness to acknowledge what I felt for him- and instead force myself to move towards different directions only to meet him in every path that I took- made me hate myself.

By doing this I brought myself into the pitfalls of the vacillating hurt from the romantic interests that I pursued- facing disappointments. If only I realize the truth of my situation- if only I chose him earlier. I could have avoided hurting my own self.

I have not only hurt myself more in the process of all my urges- I succeeded in wounding his heart too. I somehow hurt the person that loves me for who I truly am.

All of the boys I used to like before will never be like him. Him loving me despite the ups and downs- is enough to say that he definitely is my affinity romance….