C4 Chapter 4

Cimarrón

Spanish. Meaning Wild or Untamed.

“Hi Adrienne, it’s Mom.” Adrienne’s mother said on the phone.

“Hi Mom. How are you?” She asked cheerfully. Every time she got a call from her mother, she tried her best to sound her most cheerful. It was probably a defense mechanism because she knew how these conversations always ended. In misery.

“I’m wonderful, darling! I just received the best news. Kimmy got into Massachusetts General,” Adrienne could tell her mother was over the moon. “It’s not easy, you know. You have to be very smart to be accepted there. I’m so proud of your sister.”

“That’s great! That will be a nice credential for her.” Adrienne agreed.

“I know,” her mother said. “But I’m worried about you, Adrienne. Kimmy is going to be set for life. She’s got everything going for her. But you…you should start rethinking your career path. Writing is not really a cash cow.”

Here we go again!

“Just because Kimmy was the smart one, doesn’t mean she was going to be the only one to have a bright future. Why don’t you start out as a secretary in a big firm? Or you could look into broadcasting.

Adrienne fell silent.

“Every time my friends ask me what you do, I don’t know what to say. I mean, I can’t really tell them you go around Manhattan fast foods and bars, and write essays to get paid per word.”

“Mom, I’m not being paid per word. I’m actually doing fine. I think I’m one of the highest paid magazine writers in the world!” She rolled her eyes. She wasn’t sure if that was true though. But she was paid quite well and she loved her job, even with Jada being her boss. Unfortunately, her family didn’t see it that way.

“And what’s this I heard about you buying an apartment? Kimmy said you got something located in a high-end street? What were you thinking? Do you think you can pay off the mortgage being paid per word for it? Your career’s not stable. You’re not even working for a top newspaper. You have to pray that enough vain women stay in Manhattan so you could keep your job. That’s not something I’d be proud to talk about with Troy’s mom.”

A tear rolled down Adrienne’s cheek.

“Mom,” she swallowed hard, trying her best to calm her voice, like she wasn’t affected by what her mother just said. “I’m running late for a meeting. But it was nice talking to you.”

“All right, dear. Call Kimmy one of these days. Congratulate her. I’m sure Troy will get into a good hospital as well since he’s spending time with Kimberly. She’ll give him a lot of pointers. Okay, bye.”

It was pointless to fight back the tears as soon as she hung up the phone. She’s had tried her whole life to win the love and respect of her mother. But no matter what she said or did, Kimberly was all she saw. She didn’t want to compete with her sister. But was it too much to ask for just a little bit of approval from the woman, who should have counted as her biggest fan?

She dialed Troy’s number.

“Hi, Yen. Have you heard the news? Kimberly just got into Massachusetts General. That’s so wonderful! I’m so proud of her.”

“Yeah, I heard.”

“My parents seemed so surprised. They didn’t know how smart she really was until now. They kept telling me what a lucky guy her boyfriend was going to be.”

Adrienne took a sharp breath. She felt like it was a mistake to call Troy. Now, she felt even smaller than she did a minute ago.

“Troy, do you wish that she was your girlfriend instead of me?” She couldn’t help asking. After all, her mother introduced Troy to Kim first, hoping they would hit it off.

Troy didn’t answer right away.

Ooopppsss! That wasn’t a good time to take a deep breath and think, was it, Troy?

Finally, he asked, “What are you talking about, Adrienne? Are you jealous of Kimberly? Is it because she’s getting a lot of attention and you’re not? Well, don’t let it out on me. It’s not my fault your sister’s doing great and that her future’s going to be brighter than yours.”

“Fuck, Troy! I was just asking. I just don’t particularly feel that you see the best in me! You don’t make me feel like you appreciate me. News flash! That’s what boyfriends do!”

“I love you, Yen. But if you want my honest opinion, yes, I’m not particularly proud of your chosen career. I think you could do better. All right? Is that what you wanted to hear?”

Adrienne couldn’t respond even if she wanted to. Tears were streaming down her cheeks. She expected him to apologize and take back what he said. But instead, he said, “Let’s talk when you’re in the proper frame of mind!”

Then he hung up.

Adrienne stood in the middle of her living room, speechless. She felt the need to throw stuff across the floor, starting with the cordless phone.

Nobody appreciated her, and yet she had done nothing but please them. She had always been a goody-two-shoes because she thought that would make her mother proud.

She dated Troy because it made her mother happy. Now, she began to ask herself, did she really agree to go out with Troy because she found him interesting? Did she really fancy herself in love with him? Or was she in love with the idea of being in love with a guy that her mother totally approved of? Was Troy her boyfriend because he fitted the whole make-your-mama-proud charade she’d staged for over a decade?

Has she ever done anything to make herself happy? Or had she wasted away years of her life trying to please the people around her, who had no idea who she was and didn’t care at all about what would make her happy?

She looked at herself in the mirror. Her eyes appeared swollen and she had tear marks on her cheeks. She still wore a pair of skintight jeans and a white Sabrina blouse.

Jacob arranged for an outfit for her to wear to the Gypsys opening but she hadn’t even opened the bag he gave her.

She replayed the conversations she had with Troy and her mother. She thought she felt sad, but more and more, she found herself angry.

She was angry at her mother for not treating her fairly. She was angry at her father for not standing up for her. She was angry at Kimberly for competing with her all the time. She was angry at Troy for not being supportive, for not seeing the good in what she was and what she did.

She was mad at herself for tolerating all of them…for letting herself down…for putting up with this crap for more than half her life.

When will I start putting up a fight?

She closed her eyes for a moment.

Enough!