C4 The Rejection

I pace my room for the hundredth time, sighing, frustrated and mentally working through the war going off inside of me and end up ‘arghhhing’ out loud in frustration. So over this crap already, and tired of feeling this strung out. I feel like the events of the last few days have changed me in subtle ways and wish I could go back to the before.

Things have not been going well since that day in the pack house, that changed literally everything in my life, and I’m a prisoner in the orphanage until further notice. Under lock and key metaphorically, through pain of death should I disobey.

Colton's father erupted when he realized that being left alone for mere minutes was enough to send his son spiraling into hormonal lust for his new mate, throwing all sense aside and almost marking me. So now we’re forbidden from being near one another indefinitely. His father thinks he can control fate by just refusing to let things run their course. Despite everything the Shaman warned and tried to preach.

Juan is adamant I’ll be the downfall of the Packdom should Colton honor our bond and I god damn hate him for interfering and thinking he can control me in this way. I’m not one of his pack, he has no claim to me or my bloodline, and since I turned, I’m free to leave this stupid mountain, but he won’t let me!

Nothing like this has ever happened before in the history of imprinting, and the Shaman warned of terrible foreboding should we anger the fates and deny something as strong as an imprintation. Juan didn’t care. He only cares about what Juan wants, what the Santo’s need and I’m an annoying little fly in his soup. Not worthy of his son’s attentions or his seed.

My running away plan is pointless, because my soul is now linked to Colton in every way, meaning I’m not allowed to leave Radstone at all. To go off on my own, for fear I endanger the life of their future alpha in my unworthy incapable way in case some terrible mishap befalls me. If I die out there in the big bad world, then so does he.

I mean the Fates did make your mate become inseparable from you for a reason, beyond lust and procreation… the desire to never be parted is as much about survival. The Alpha is meant to protect his femme at all costs, and she is meant to shadow her dominant for life. Always by his side, to watch his back and become an invincible unit. They become one. If one falls, they both fall.

So basically after being screamed at by Carmen until my ears bled, literally, and they still hurt, bullied into a corner by Juan, who threatened to tear me apart and Colton almost took his head off, and then dragged home to house arrest by some of the overly handsy aggressive Santo pack, I’m literally confined to a life inside these walls, with no contact from the person fate decided would be the other half to my soul for an eternity. Everything sucks. Just god damn, all the way to hell and back, sucks!

Happy sucky eighteenth birthday, Alora.

It’s going swell so far.

We’re forbidden from linking, or talking, or seeing one another, and I doubt that will ever change. Bonding is for life and distance won't do very much about it. You cannot sever a bond. You can choose to deny it, ignore it if you can, but Colton has to be the one to reject me, or I will be and currently still am, his mate. He said the words, he verbalized the choice and started to mark me. Juan cannot make that choice for him. He has to say the words to me. I have to hear it from him before it breaks the union we started. Not that it does much in terms of our link, but for his pack, for the code, he can’t have me as his mate and then go back to Carmen without doing this first. One mate… there’s no leeway in that.

It's been agony though, and the Shaman was correct in that denying the bond only makes it worse. I swear, I’ve been dreaming, obsessing, about him since we were pulled apart and I can't sleep or eat for pining for the mate I will never have as long as his father has any say. Even if he made it clear he wants me too. It’s so crazy, given that I didn’t know him at all, and now I know everything about him, can feel him, see him in my mind’s eye and even hear that sexy subtly accented Latino voice of his whenever I want. He’s ingrained on me now.

He's in my head, creating dark unhealable holes in my heart and my entire being feels empty and lost without the other half of me to complete it. His kiss has ruined me in so many ways and I replay those moments until I scream in agony and try to push the taste and feel of him out. I never knew this kind of pain could exist and now I curse the fates for doing this to me. Why they would inflict this kind of uncurable disease, is beyond me. It’s a form of insanity and I am powerless to cure myself, no matter how strong I think I am.

I’m desperate to reach out and link to him, for just one second, to appease my eternal cravings, but as I have heard nothing from him, I’m assuming he too agrees with his father, that for the future of the pack we should have no contact, considering he closed down the head link and I can’t get to him at all. Dreaming about him, smelling his scent on the wind when it blows from the south is driving me crazy and I have no idea how to fix myself while I don’t even know what we are. Held captive, still his mate, yet denied all that goes with it.

The only upside to my turning and finally becoming my true self in all of this, is the physical difference, which shocked me when I finally got home to wash myself free of the grime and blood caking every inch of me. Catching sight in the mirror of the bathroom, it held me still with disbelief as I took myself in slowly and digested the image staring back at me.

The woman before me in the mirror, where a girl once stood, is almost like a stranger to me, yet not. Still Alora in a way, I still recognize myself as me, yet I’m angular, fuller lipped, clearer skinned. My features somehow better without changing too much so I can’t put my finger on the why. My hair’s thicker, fuller, lighter, so that instead of mousy brown, it’s a highlighted caramel with hints of honey, and gorgeous waves. My eyes greener, dazzling almost and my body is toned in places I don't think I could ever improve on. It enhanced, tweaked, and brought me up to par with the already turned walking around this kingdom. No longer plain; I’m desirable, which brings its own problems.

Males in heat circle me whenever I venture down to the kitchen, or out into the courtyard for air. The orphanage still has many who live under this roof, even after turning, who have no desire to leave. I may have imprinted on a mate, but I bear no mark to solidify a union, therefore I’m mateless in their eyes and available, and I need to watch my back. Not all are bound by pack rules in this new era.

Generally, males treat femmes with respect after turning, but not all. Hormones, lack of a mate, and sometimes undirected testosterone levels, all contribute to rogue males with little consideration of punishment when fueled by a need to have sex. We are primal animals, and sex is in our basic everyday makeup once we turn for the first time. I know I’m already suffering for the cravings to be fulfilled. My body yearning for my mate to join with me, until I feel like I may turn inside out with the internal painful pangs for his body. The annoying part is, that no one else will do and I have zero interest in any kind of instant relief with any other male, or any form of self-pleasure, not that I would know how. It’s not been high on my list of priorities in my life.

I’ve become aware, more than ever now, that I am no longer safe in this home when surrounded by unmated males. A lack of a real pack means a lack of protection, and any kind of consequences for a male who brutally takes what he wants. We live in a cruel world, and as an unwanted no one cares about the rejects. Especially not if one reject attacks and violates another. We have no back up.

It doesn’t matter if every single one of them saw me imprint on Colton; it’s public knowledge Juan is denying the bond and I’ve been sent to dwell here to stay away from his son. They know not to kill or maim me, but messing me up a little, doing unspeakable things… his son would recover the pain quickly and not carry the emotional scarring that I would. I’m not safe.

I stop my daily ritual pacing and slump down on my bed, aware Vanka has come in, grabbed some belongings and left again. She too is keeping her distance since the turning. It seems my public shaming with Colton put me in some kind of social outcast list, among even my own fellow unwanteds.

Not one of them has looked my way or talked to me in days. No one wants to know me or be seen associating with the girl who had the audacity to bond to someone way above her station. Especially not Prince Santo himself. Like I somehow orchestrated all this, and it wasn’t fate at all. Committed some kind of heinous sin that marks me as the lowest of the low, even in turns of being in this crappy home.

The only thing keeping me from being killed is the fact Colton will die if anyone touches me. I mean, I’m sure if I was cornered and attacked by someone it would affect him too, but it doesn’t seem to matter to the circling predators in this house. Most hate the Santo's and any of the alphas for that matter because they know they will never be them, or match up to them, and jealousy and ego are a lethal combination. They won’t be hunted for inflicting pain on him, only if he dies.

I lie down on my bed, my stomach growling with hunger pangs while tying my insides in knots, but I just can't seem to face eating. I try; I go down for allocated mealtimes, but I pick at my food and it all tastes like cardboard when I put it in my mouth. Nothing shifts this feeling, this deep emptiness creating a cavern inside of me and it’s bottomless and cold. The longer this goes on the worse it gets. The only thing my body craves and wants, it can’t have. I hate that he can mess me up like this, when we were strangers only days ago. It’s not fair!

I close my eyes and will myself to picture anything but him. Push the thoughts of him aside and try to bring forward an image of my parents instead, something I do when I need to self-calm or bring a happy memory into the depression of my daily life. I try to formulate my mother’s face, to bring me some comfort, but they are all becoming blurry faded pictures in the dark recesses. so that seeing them properly is no longer easy at all. Time is taking them from me, and I have nothing left of them in any form after the elders destroyed all links to our past dead.

I need to see you.

The familiar voice comes out of nowhere, inside my head and I jump at the intrusion, having a minor heart attack as my beat elevates crazily. Sitting up fast and spinning my head around to scan my room as if he is going to be standing right here. I know his voice well enough; I hear it in my dreams any time I sleep, and my body tingles in response at the contact, goosebumping all over instantly. Insides tingling with anticipation of seeing my mate again. I miss him beyond words, even if it’s insane to do so.

Where are you?

I reply desperately, unable to contain the surge of adrenalin that hearing him inside my head gives me. Just a tiny ounce of contact, restoring some of this desolate emptiness I’ve been feeling since that night.

I'm in the pack house and we have to be discreet. Meet me in the west forest, deep down by the old cavern, within the hour. Don't let anyone see you leave. I'm being watched like a hawk, but I know how to get there unseen. We have to talk face to face.

I almost sob with both the utter happiness at hearing from him and the fact I will get to see him for real, not just an image in my head. To share physical air, and lay eyes on what my soul craves the most. The only thing dampening my crazy instant elation is the serious almost monotone hint in his voice and the lack of his excitement I’m experiencing as I pick up emotions through the link.

Can't we talk like this first. I don't know if I can get out right away, and it just feels so good hearing you inside my head again. Don't go. Talk to me now.

I sound as desperate as I feel, and I don’t want him to close the link once more. I’ve waited endlessly to have him link me like this.

No. It's harder like this, it only strengthens our bond when we link this way and I have a lot to say. I told you, this needs to be face to face. There’s something we have to do properly.

My heart plummets into my stomach as his alpha tone hints through, and I know I’m being commanded and not asked. That doesn’t sit well, and the sense of foreboding that sentence gives me almost rips my soul in two. It’s obvious whatever he wants to say is not going to be about finding a way to make this work without his father’s blessing. He wouldn’t care about making our bond stronger if that were true. I try to ignore the suspicions, but I just can’t.

Just meet me, please.

This time the tone is gone and it’s just sheer request with a little underlying plead. I hold in the urge to beg him to talk more now and push the tears aside, clinging onto hope that maybe face to face it will be something good, not what I fear, and nod into my empty room. Heaviness consuming me as heartache gnaws at my stomach and chest.

I'll be there.

I sound deflated, sad. Close to breaking, with a raw huskiness in my tone that I can’t conceal and wait for him to close the link between us. Like waiting on something painful to happen, and I hold my breath.

Alora?....... I'm.... I wish it didn't have to be this way. I'm sorry that it was me.

Before I get a chance to reply to that strained husky reply, he closes off and I physically feel the link between us go dead. My mind quieting back to solitary and I know he’s gone. Even with a bond, a mate can choose to close the channel of communication at will, and he just did, like he has been doing for days. I stare at the wall numbly, lost in the moment and how empty everything feels once more. Knowing that my prison is going to be eternal and I can’t see any other way out.

I know I’m getting to see him, finally, but everything about that interaction breaks me open and I roll over into my cushions to sob it all out. Crying in pain, that’s not too dissimilar to mourning my entire family, ten years ago. I feel worse now I’ve spoken to him briefly. This feels as much of a loss as then, even if it seems crazy and not even a comparison. Like something awful is coming and that when I see him, it will only serve to cause me more devastation.

A nagging voice of logic and haste in the back of my head pulls me out of my dark depressive state, and reminds me that if I want to get to the forest within the hour, I need to get up and motivate myself. In human form, it’s a trek and a half, and I need time to get ready. I’ve been living in my nightwear for days.

In wolf form I’ll get there in minutes but completely naked, and I haven’t yet tried to turn of my own accord. Too preoccupied to even attempt it and wouldn’t know how to start without a little practice. I need to shower, change, make myself look half human at least, and hide the dark circles and shadows from pining my days away. I don’t want him to see me at my worst.

My body is weighed down with lethargy when I drag myself up, and it takes all my will power to haul ass to the bathroom moments later. Desperate to find some relief in the meeting, even if the outcome won’t be what my heart hopes. Torn in two though, with a little shining light of delusional hope, telling me that maybe what he needs, and wants to do face to face, is mark me as his mate. That maybe we can do this in secret and find a way to be together. Or maybe not.

I still cannot seem to get to grips with how this can be. How imprinting on a relative stranger can completely derail everything you knew before and make you so insanely in need of them that you would tie your life up in theirs just to be able to breathe. Pushing that person into the center of everything and craving them with the intensity of severe addiction.

I know more about him than anyone in my life and I have barely spoken to him. My mind is a chaotic mess of his life and mine, which once ran separate, yet now coincides and memories blur into one another. I have mental images of him at every age and random knowledge about things most people never know of their mate. I know everything he does, about himself, his life, his family, and I’m guessing the same goes for him too. You truly merge when imprinting and now I see why it’s so rare and so potent when it happens. You lose control of everything and the only thing which matters from there on in, is your mate.

We are one. In every way possible.

I wash quickly, dress, and dry my hair at speed, and attempt to fix my face to hide the blotchiness of my tears. Make up was never my thing, but this sudden obsessive adoration for Colton makes me want to look my best for him, even if our meeting has a tone that doesn’t spell happy ever after for me. I need to have hope.

I clock watch as I apply the bare minimum enhancements and tousle my hair out with my fingers, as it forms light natural waves. For a moment, my reflection reminds me of my mother, and I swallow a lump in my throat as the shooting pain of remembered heartbreak hits me like a sucker punch and almost buckles my knees under the weight. Bruising my heart in that unique way that only the loss of them can.

“I miss you, mom. I miss all of you.”

I stare at the resemblance, biting back tears and then shake her out of my head like I have come accustomed to doing over the years, to bear the ache and turn to ready myself for getting out of here unseen. The only way I dealt with their loss was to never dwell too long on it. I never really learned any other way.

I turn my attention back to what I need to do. I’ve never snuck out of the orphanage before, nor ever needed, to but I have a route plan and I think I know how to get by unseen where no one will miss me for an hour or two. It’s not like this place was ever set up as a prison, and we don’t have any guards watching us.

I scribble a hurried note for Vanka, should she care, which is doubtful; telling her I’m taking a book to a secluded part of the garden to hide and read and know she won’t bother checking. She doesn’t care if I live or die most days, so she sure as hell won’t care if I’m not in my room, now I no longer have classes to attend.

School ended for me on the day of my turning, as coincidence has it, and I should have been on my merry way to a new life, much like Vanka is planning before the month is out. She’s been making arrangements to head off and soon this room while be mine alone. That will be the only upside to being stuck here for an eternity.

It’s not like any new orphans are heading in here or have been for a decade. Newborns have families and unless another war wipes out a lot more of us, then I doubt the orphanage will have any new rejects any time soon.

I yank on my sneakers, my blue hoody, over my tight t-shirt and jeans and slide out of my room into the deserted hall. It’s during class time, so most of the kids are in the rooms of the left wing right now, learning all about our traditions and history with some academia thrown in. For the most part we are raised to live among humans, to fit in and exist in their world, so we learn all the same crap they do, and how to conceal what we are.

I guess I was lucky in that the war confined us here, in our own school, and I didn't have to interact with non wolves since then. Those of us left with no family got pulled out of our human schools amid rumors of a deadly virus, plaguing families on the mountain skirts, which meant no officials came knocking. Some of the alphas, like the Santo’s too, for their own protection and lineage, but general population were allowed to retain their places in the real world as though nothing happened. I don't plan on going back there anytime soon either, now my change has drastically altered the course of my path.

I sprint to the end of the hall and down the servant stairs to the kitchen. Not that we have any, but this house used to belong to the alpha of the Romaine pack, none of whom returned at all from the great wars, and the house was repurposed for our use. Their wealth committed to the cause of repairing our society. Probably because they were the smallest of the packs, living on the edge of solitude, and far from the rest of the villages, that it was a prime location. The house and its lands are secluded enough to confine unwanteds in one corner, to forget us and leave us to our own devices. It’s why Colton picked the west forest, I guess, it’s easy to access from here and close enough for me to get to without effort.

It’ll take him longer to get there from where he is though, as his pack live on the south side of the mountain, almost seven miles from here. If he can't be seen leaving, he will have to go on foot, not use his truck, and the only option for him is to turn and wolf it this way. We can cover ground faster as our true selves and I wonder if I should take him some sort of clothing. Not that seeing him naked is a bad thing, but it might take my focus away from what he wants to say.

I shake my head at my own stupidity and realize he probably thought of this and will be carrying some sort of bag and attire for changing back, that’s if he intends to. Maybe he will stay in form and talk to me that way.

No stupid, he said face to face, as using our mind link will make this worse!

I chastise myself, blaming the lack of sleep for my dumbing down lately as I slide trough the kitchen unseen and get to the back-porch door in record time. Getting used to my new speed and zipping around when you don’t want to be seen is the perfect practice. I’ve stopped bumping into things and tripping over my own feet in hyper speed mode, but I haven’t yet mastered how not to get breathless. It takes it out of me after a short sprint.

Th garden is empty but most of the classrooms look onto the courtyard, so I make sure I stay in the shadows against the wall and slide along to the concealed part of the garden, behind the outhouses. Up and over the eight-foot brick wall with an easy leap and I’m free to run for the woods with no one seeing me escape. It’s easier than I thought. Then again, no one expects me to defy rules and go chasing after Colton Santo. I was never this girl before him and yet now, he just has to say the word and I go…. blindly following my alpha; another annoying trait of being mated. He commands and I do. It’s kind of pathetic.

I start running in the direction I need to go, stopping and dropping behind trees anytime I catch sight of movement or pick up a sound or scent. My senses are firing on all cylinders of their highest ability, and it’s making me a paranoid wreck as I try to forge a path without trace, through the dense forest that leads to where I want to go. Heart pounding so hard through my chest I’m sure anyone nearby will hear it. I try to calm down but to no avail. I’ve never been a risk taker or had the bravery to do anything wild, like defy Juan Santo. I must be insane.

I know if I get caught, I’ll be dragged in front of Juan for breaking the rules set for me. He might be worried about killing his son, but he isn't worried about putting him through a little pain and I’m not one for a public flogging if I can help it. Colton is stronger than me and even if he does feel my pain, Juan will use it to teach us both a lesson. I don’t doubt that cold hearted bastard would do it for that reason. I’ve never liked him.

I feel like I run at least five miles before I stop for much needed breath, gasping crazily with crushing agony, my limbs beginning to ache and burn from overuse and the unfamiliarity of speed running like this. Much like unfit people, we have to build our stamina so the human side of us can catch up, and I have not been good at building up to this kind of sprint. My legs and muscles are throbbing and feel like my tendons are being torn apart. I collapse behind an overgrown ridge to try and regain some equilibrium. So my lungs don’t cave in and give myself a few moments before dragging myself up and walking the rest of the way at human speed now I’ve made up good time.

Deep in the woods, following the worn animal path to the cavern that I know well, I feel a little lighter, and less depressed. Every kid has been here at least once in their life, long before the vampire attacks. This used to be the go-to spot to hang out, play and swim in the lake nearby and the path made it impossible to get lost. Animals walking the link to their watering hole once you reach the shadowy depth of a forest so dense that it’s permanently in shade, even on the brightest of days.

I know this is why he chose this place. In my memories he would have seen I frequented it a lot with my brother Jasper, as a child. He knows I know it well. No one comes here now; they’re too afraid, yet every kid knows the way and knows exactly how to get there. The fear of vampires still haunts us even now with all the years of quiet living. They are still out there somewhere and shaded gloomy secluded areas like this, would be an ideal spot for them to hunt.

A twig snapping off to my left makes me jump a foot high, head snapping to follow its source and eyes burning to see what is coming. I dart inside a large hollow log to conceal myself and glance around, heart elevated and breath laboring quickly. Senses kicking into red alert.

It's me.... don’t be afraid.

The much longed for voice in my head, smothering me with calm, like thick honey and I exhale with both relief and something else. That elation at being close to him again, but I wonder why I haven’t picked up on his scent or his proximity yet. We’re supposed to feel our mates when they’re close.

Where are you?

I mutter awkwardly as I crawl back out, peeking cautiously, picking the dried moss from my hair and straighten up to scan the woods around me.

“Keeping my distance, downwind of you, over here.” He calls back verbally, drawing me to him by voice alone. That explains why I didn’t feel or smell him approaching. He’s close enough to make me jump, and I spin in the direction his voice came at me from. I catch sight of him, jumping down from a rock overhanging the clearing, to one lower, I placed myself in, as he pulls on a t-shirt over those sculpted tanned abs and throws a backpack to the side of him. He must have carried clothes with him, and I have to admit, I’m a little disappointed and eye rape him appreciatively. My body heating up with the insane lust I feel for this man, just because he got within fifty feet. My crazy hormones have had me dreaming of doing all kinds of naked things with him that a virgin shouldn’t know how to do.

I make a move towards him, but he raises his palm and throws me a serious frown that halts me in my tracks. That dominant warning, I have to heed.

“Stay there. Don't come closer, it’s better for both of us if we keep our distance.” He seems extremely wary, voice a little husky and unsure.

“Why? What do you think I’m going to do to you?” I retort angrily, hurt stupidly, and reacting like he offended me on every level. It’s an insane disappointment, eating me up inside, because all I really want to do is run into his arms and continue what was interrupted days ago. I need to feel his skin on mine and hate the fact he clearly doesn’t.

“It’s not you, it’s me. I'm finding things hard and after what happened at the pack house, it’s safer to keep you at least thirty feet away from me at all times.” He shrugs, rounding those large shoulders and drawing my eye, making it obvious he doesn’t trust himself.

I guess he means the kiss, and the urge to mark me that followed seconds after. I guess I’m wrong and he does have the same insane need I do. I have to agree, proximity does make me want to touch him all the more, but thirty feet is a little extreme.

“So why bring me here if you have no intention of coming anywhere near me?” I spin on my heel and head to the log once more, in a bid to stomp some of this sudden aggression out, only this time I climb on top of the rickety old wood and slump my butt down, dropping my legs over the side to sit comfortably. Sulking inwardly, like a chastised toddler and focus my eyes on the snowdrops pushing through in the only crack of sunlight to hit the ground, rather than look at him. My pride is wounded and as stupid as it is, I’m mad at him for it. This hunger is only cured with contact.

“I owed you some sort of explanation for cutting off our link. For staying away after we........ I needed to do this properly.”

Colton’s voice makes me all kinds of crazy. It’s that deep male sexiness laced with a raw husky and almost commanding edge. He has always had a nice voice, that underlying hint of a Colombian accent in the depths and now more than ever, it does insane things to my insides and dampens my irritability a little. Not quite all though.

“Your father made it pretty clear, all the why and what nots. I don’t need you to repeat it.” I snap a little too tetchily, and instantly get hit with a wave of sadness, maybe regret, as it moves over me, and I pick up on his feelings. I glance up and see he is marginally closer, and I guess that’s why I can now feel what he does. In our separation I couldn’t feel much except my own misery, I guess that’s the only positive about being apart. Now I’m carrying both of our emotions.

“I need to explain my reasons. I don’t blindly do what he says… I have my own mind. Please don't be like this. I’m trying to do something to move us forward.” He too slumps down, on top of a rock not far from me, and mirrors my pose, dropping his legs over the edge as we sit facing one another across the clearing, in what seems like a huge gulf between us. All my hopes of reuniting with passion and lust dying a hefty death and depressing me all the more.

“So, explain, and let me go back to my exciting solitude and imprisonment. I’m totally missing out on the adventures of the day meeting you here.” Its sarcastic and drenched in bitterness that even shocks me, and I flinch at how nasty and cold I manage to sound, but it’s purely frustration at the predicament we find ourselves in. Realizing my hurt feelings are getting the better of me, I try to swallow it back and throw him a wary look fleetingly. I catch him out of the corner of my eye frowning, then looking down at his swaying feet, regret all over his face that pains me all the more for my hostility.

“I'm doing what’s best for the future of the pack... all of them. You included. I care what happens to all of us. My father was right, and my mate needs to be worthy to lead by my side one day. We need a strong Luna, with pure blood. A warrior who can rise in battle if needs be, and we both know that’s not you. The vampires won’t stay down forever, they’ll rise in my reign, if not before. I need to think of our kind and not what my soul craves. Distance is best, and in time, maybe we’ll learn to live without it consuming us the way it is now. We have to be practical and think of the responsibility I bear, with who I am. It’s a heavy weight I’ve carried my whole life…. it’s not yours to share. I need someone like Carmen, with strong gifts and a thirst for blood when the time comes. She’s a warrior… you’re a land child. Your family were growers, gatherers… not hunters. Not killers. It is what it is.” His whole manner and tone are low, and apologetic, a slight rasp to his voice and he can’t seem to look me in the eye. I can't speak as his words choke my throat to almost closed, my eyes fill with warm fluid that blurs everything in front of me. Wounded by something I already know as factual, in being weak blooded and nothing close to a leader, but it still stings to hear him say it so directly.

I’ve never been more ashamed of my bloodline than in this moment. My heart aching painfully with stabbing throbs and my insides clench with the sharpest of pangs as he verbalizes exactly what I have known was coming, deep down inside, but too afraid to actually believe.

“You're rejecting me as your mate.” I point out croakily, fighting myself to get the words out, through the shards of broken glass caught in my throat, and dying a little inside. It’s almost unheard of for your mate to reject you after imprinting... in fact I don’t think it’s ever happened. No one challenges the fates in this way. I should have known it would happen to me, though, I mean, not even a regular wolf wants to shackle himself to a reject as a mate. That kind of shame tars a family for generations. And he’s hardly regular.

I knew this was how it was, if I stopped and really looked at the bigger picture, but somehow, it’s different having him say it instead of Alpha Juan. I guess, I held a small candle of hope that Colton would feel as strongly as me within our bond and deny his father’s commands. As stupid as I know that is, I wanted to believe I was worthy of someone, and maybe the fates were telling me that. I’ve always known the importance of his position among us. It’s why he has spent his life acting like royalty among us and avoiding my kind completely. This shouldn’t be a shock.

“I have no choice, Lorey.”

I instantly break and sob at his use of the pet name used by my family, so long ago. Turning away from him and sliding off the log to move so he can’t see my tears. Stinging my face with their invasive appearance, another sign of my weakness and flawed lineage. I cry when everything goes wrong.

Then why bring me here for this? Why not tell me this back in my room and avoid this agony?

It's sent mentally, defying him on his stance of linking anymore, unable to say what I need verbally as I stagger away from him and break into a run. Knowing leaving is a knee jerk reaction, but I have no space in me for this kind of pain right now, and I don’t want to stay and drag it out for what is next to come. I can't handle it; I need to go back to my room and never let him close enough to feel ever again. He wanted me here for one reason only…. he has to declare his rejection of me to make it final. Screw him.

Lorey, wait. Please. Don't go.

I ignore his mental pleas, coming at me desperately, struggling to breathe as I break into a super run and try to put distance between us. Sprinting and then hitting full stride as I skim over the landscape and clear fallen trees easily. Caught in my need to flee and focused on nothing else. Reverting to all fours as my body aches to transform and set me free, but I reign it in and shake it out of my head. I don’t want to be in wolf form when this distraught. That kind of loss of control can be devastating and forbidden.

I run with blurry vision, washed almost blind with my own tears and gasp when I’m suddenly yanked back, mid jump, and hauled backwards to tumble into a mossy patch in the forest floor with a thud, rolling and landing on all fours and instantly bristle defensively. Breathing heavily as I square up to my pursuer aggressively, a new feral kind of instinct I’ve never felt before, full on fierce initiated. I calm instantly when faced with Colton, his eyes glowing amber and equally poised for battle. We stay separated, panting, staring one another down, mere feet apart, closer than we should be, and fueled by pure painful emotion.

“You think this isn't just as hard for me? That doing this is going to cure me of everything?” Colton’s desperate plea shines through his own broken words, breaking down my anger and shattering me into tiny pieces. “I had my life mapped out. Chose a mate I loved, and thought I knew what the future held. I didn't think this could ever happen and now, I spend my every waking second wanting you, needing you, and thinking about you, until it drives me insane. The love I had for Carmen died, the second I imprinted on you, and I can't get my head around any of this either. This isn’t a cure… it’s a necessity. For the good of our existence, our pack. No one will follow an Alpha or respect one who shackles a shamed wolf to his side.”

Anger overtakes me as jealousy twists my heart around at the mention of her name, the words coming from his mouth, making me irrationally furious at him once more. Heartbreak and sheer hatred for this situation coming out of every pore.

“Just let me go. This is pointless and you telling me these things, they don’t help. Just go away and leave me alone. I don't want you near me ever again. I get it… reject me, say it, and be done with it. Save your precious pack and your honor and go to hell. I was never one of you anyway!” I snarl at him, wipe the sodden mess from my face with the back of my hand aggressively, full on faux bravado and put on the tough girl act as best I can. Literally swallowing my tears and gagging on the acid rising in my throat. Standing up to tower over him in his crouched position, adopting an air of ‘I don’t care anymore’ and will him to be done already. “I didn't want this either. I was leaving, I had a plan and it was thousands of miles away from all of you. Especially your kind. Santo! ….. You’ve despised us for a decade, treated us with disdain and shunned us to the shadows of that damn orphanage. I spit on your family and all they are. You’re the last person in this world I would ever want to imprint on, so go.... go mark your mate and follow your destiny because it sure isn’t me. Go be with your chosen one and leave me to find one of my own. My heart will heal from whatever this was, faster than you can imagine, and you can stop pretending you don’t want her. I don’t want you either!”

It's said in anger and heartbreak and I can’t conceal how much pain is ripping through me anymore. Turning, this time to walk away slowly, too exhausted for anything else and unable to maintain a run as fatigue overtakes me. All my energy is going into pulling on this hard outer shell and showing him, I don’t give a crap anymore.

“I love you. No matter what I do to try and break it; I can't stop, and the thought of you being with another, kills me. There is no her anymore, Lorey. There’s just us. We imprinted and got to know one another in a split second, the way a lifetime of being together would. I feel like I’ve loved you that long, no matter how insane that sounds.” His words stop me in my tracks, and I inhale sharply. Stunned that he just came out and said it but saddened that he verbalized what the agony I have been suffering is called. Love! And the why, the fact it does feel like he’s been in my heart since the day I was born. Imprinting messes you up royally.

It made me love my mate as soon as it happened, because it makes you relive every second that came before, in your head within your own memories, with that person’s intwined even though they don’t belong to you. I have his life in my head; therefore, I’ve known him intimately that long. It’s insane, and he's right. We can't break it because we were never in control of it. Fate did this, dealt us a hand and a cruel joke and fate doesn’t like defiance. Knowing he feels as I do doesn’t make it any easier though. It doesn’t change a thing.

“It doesn't mean anything. Your father was right when he told us to stay away and break the link. I can't ever be what your father and the pack need, and you can't ever be the mate I need. So, we shouldn't do this again, it's only torturing us more than we are already. Just say the damn words already, I don’t care.” I don’t know where this is coming from, this detached cold bitch, as words spill out of my mouth. It’s the exact opposite to what my heart craves and I turn to face him to further drive it home that I’m not playing, wiping my expression as clean as I can to show him nothing of how this is killing me. My words die on my lips when our eyes meet, and Colton looks as openly broken and disheveled as I am.

“You can't lie to your mate, Lorey. I can feel you, even if what you’re saying sounds honest. I am what you need, and you’re what I need. Fate made it so… When you strip everything else away and it’s just us, here and now, with no one else to think about.... we need each other to feel sane. To stop this eternal agony and emptiness we’re both harboring. We don’t need to pretend it’s any other way. There should never be lies between us.” We both stand in hopeless silence as he gets up to stand too, towering over me by at least a foot, yet we’re still at least three apart. He doesn't hesitate and closes the gap, pulls me to him by the waist, gently, his touch searing my skin, even through my clothes and I can’t deny that I do need him. I can’t fight it.

Bringing his forehead to mine, he places us together so his breath fans my face, impulsively, I close my eyes and inhale his scent. Our connection only drives home that we are meant to be like this. It’s familiar, safe, and home… Where skin touches, amazing things happen and the energy which sizzles between us is incomparable. Lighting my body on fire and I burn to be completely joined to him, aching with need that makes my legs turn weak. For the first time since this began, I’m at peace instantly, and every pain and torment, all the confusion I’ve been through, quiets to absolutely nothing. Just him and I, and a sharing of every feeling. Highlighting the peace we can find in a touch.

We both let go of our held breath, and breathe out in unison, as though finally finding where we need to be for just a moment of serene. A second of calm in the stormy seas which has been thrashing us around since I awakened.

Colton lifts his hand slowly and strokes a single finger across my cheek, brushing away my hair and tucks it behind my ear. Leaving a hot tingling path where he connects with me. The heat drawing down deep inside my soul to bring warmth to the coldness dwelling within.

“I want nothing more right now than to unify our bond and mark you. Believe me when I tell you, that if I was anyone else’s son... you would already be bearing my mark and know what it is to have me inside of you. The union would be complete. I love you, Lorey, in ways I didn't know I could love anyone. I thought I knew what it was to commit my soul to my mate, but I was wrong. I need you to know this isn’t what I want. … That I’m sorry… but I have no other choice, and I have to reject........” Colton falters, his raw croaking tone breaking, then he swallows hard, bringing back all the anguish from before and a solitary tear rolls down his cheek and drips onto mine to continue its painful journey. Wounding me with its searing burn. His pain evident and for a second his anguish and confusions flows through my soul too, telling me he can’t do it alone. My heart is already turning to ash as he destroys me with his words, but we have to be stronger.

I know what he has to say, that it has to be done. Know why. It’s how it is, we can’t change it, or fight it, or do this any other way, and hearing it may kill me, but I have to let him do it. There’s no alternative and as much as I want to scream and stop this, I understand. I can’t hate him for it.

I’m no Luna. I’m a Whyte wolf from the family Dennison. A shamed bloodline who all fell in battle, and we don’t have a right to stand up by an alpha’s side to tar his name. I don’t have it in me to lead, and I’ll be nothing but a weight of shame hanging around his neck, his weakness in battle, and the demise of his bloodline. I can’t be the reason he loses the respect of the packs and upturn his entire life.

I say nothing, just stay deathly still, silent tears escaping from my closed eyes as they begin to pour down my face. Warm, bitter, stinging, rivulets of despair. He can feel me and hear my thoughts, so he knows my acceptance is in my silence. My pain is his, my distraught agony in knowing this is over before it began is all around, and in between us. He knows what to do. His breathing gets heavier, labored, as he struggles to compose himself and push the last of the words out in a voice I barely recognize; low and strained. Ravaged and hoarse. He clears his throat and swallows loudly again as though to pull himself together.

“I..... Colton Juan Santo, son of the alpha of the reigning Santo pack, and future alpha of Mount. Radstone......... I’m sorry, baby, don't hate me for this ........ reject you as my chosen mate and deny the bond of imprinting. I set you free......... to....” He swallows hard again, voice wavering, choking on his own tears, pulling me into his embrace, crushing me with strong arms to find the will to carry on. Wrapping me up in his body as though he wants to shield me from what he is doing and memorize the feel of me for an eternity. I can feel everything, know his emotions as if they are my own, and it kills me. His regret, his anguish, his overwhelm at the pain and being the one who delivers the wounding blow to my heart.

“.... find a chosen mate as you see fit, as will I, with no interference, … even if it causes pain. … My word cannot and will not be broken, and I will not intervene should you find your path… This cannot be undone… I set you free, for now and all eternity. May the fates be kind and give you a pass to a better future.” His words are barely audible, his voice so much lower, breathless, as he binds me against him almost cruelly, with the force of his passion. The sound of blood rushing through my ears blots the world out as I spiral into a complete emotional breakdown, tearing my mind to shreds.

Finish it!

I blurt trough the head link, knowing he has to. I can’t stand this any longer, I need the words to stop, for it to be over, and for this to be done. His touch is my torture and his voice my final blow. Colton shudders in my arms, his face wet too and he buries a hand in the back of my hair as he cradles me against him tightly. Almost like he can stop it hurting me if he crushes me to him and melts our bodies to one form.

“After today, the link will be closed, our bond ignored, and we should never cross paths again. That is my command …. It’s done. We’re done…. Forgive me, Lorey....... I'm sorry. I love you, and I wish this could be different.” With the final words they deliver the crushing blow I knew they would, and I feel like my heart gives out and refuses to beat. My mind blanks and my tears still with shocked numb, too much heartbreak for my mind to deal with anymore.

The fates will pay no heed to his request, but by wolf law, I’m no longer his mate or bound to be. His father will rejoice when he tells him. He’s set me free and we’ve chosen to live with the pain of severance against the imprinting. No matter how much it hurts.

We stand for what feels like the longest minute, holding one another, broken inside, and crying silently in our own and combined personal hell. My face buried against his shoulder and his face in my hair, on the top of my head, arms entangled and fully fitted frontally so every curve and line meets, right down to our ankles. We inhale, we cast one another’s scent to memory and when I don’t think I have the strength to let go, he finally leans back and lifts my chin to his, pushing me to open my tear flooded eyes so I fall into those chocolate browns for the last time.

“I love you.” He utters hopelessly, anguish in his stare, the tensing of that square jawline, and yet all I hear is goodbye. A raspy farewell, one I will never be able to cleanse from my memories or how he looks while saying it to me. He’s too beautiful for words.

“I love you too.” I mutter, so quietly, it’s not even a whisper, but it’s impulsive and raw and honest. He leans in and gently kisses me on my lips, so softly it’s feather light but it ignites that all-consuming agony that only he can cause. A brushing of warm damp softness, a grazing that destroys what little is left of me and tears unleash with fervor once again. It’s so perfect it hurts.

As though casting my face to memory, he stares at me long and hard, pain etched on his face and his own eyes wet with the evidence of his regret. He kisses me one last time, on my forehead, tenderly, holding there a moment and fighting all the need and desire inside of us. The fire burning despite the fact we’re denying it.

He lets me go, backs up several steps and then turns on his heel and runs. No looking back for a second time, no torturing himself with one last lingering look, leaving the heavy air of sorrow floating between us.

He makes it only a few feet before he jumps a log, turns in mid-air, his clothes disintegrating into wispy pieces of fabric, left floating down to earth, so silently destroyed. That flash of midnight black wolf, so beautiful and strong, and a sight to behold.

He's gone at the speed of light. Leaving me to stand alone in the forest, abandoned and desolate, unwanted. I break down and crumble into a pit of despair and wracking sobs into the moss under my feet, no longer wary of my surroundings as a broken heart consumes me.

The sounds of distant, painful wolf howling, pulls me to stare up into the emptiness of where he was, as my mate no more, fills the forest air with the wails of his own misery and despair. It’s the worst noise in the world.