C17 SHATTERED HOPES.

Laura finally gathered the strength to steady her breath, the fluttering in her chest slowly subsided. With great effort, she managed to bring her trembling right hand to his face and touched Jerry’s cheek as she spoke.

“Jerry…” She began, her voice quiet, shaking as if it were about to break. The sentence was daunting, quite literally.

She never would have thought she would find herself in such a situation, definitely not like this and definitely not with him. “I… I can’t even express how conflicted I am at this moment, but I had no idea you liked me that way. All this time I thought you considered me as a friend, a colleague.”

She had never intended to cause him any pain. He was her best friend and now she was going to let it all go and there was something she had to say that was going to be the most cruel.

“But how could I let him down easily?” She wondered. “How do I explain to him, that even if he is a perfect man, and in every way I have no problem with him, I just don’t love him the way he loves me?”.

“Jerry, you must understand this…” she found it difficult now to say the words that came naturally earlier. The hands that were once on Jerry’s face reluctantly dropped to her sides. “You’re a great guy, Jerry. You’ve always treated me well, and I care for you, I really do…”.

There was silence as she spoke. Jerry was anxious for the upcoming moment. He was able to feel the excitement growing deep inside him but a relieved smile never quite reached his lips. He needed to hear them. He needed to know if this fragile hope he’d been clinging to would survive.

“But… what?” His voice broke, the simple question hanging between them like a plea.

“I… I love you as a friend, Jerry,” Laura whispered. The utterance finally slipped out after much reluctance and at once the warmth of their connection was driven off.

Her eyes were fastened to the floor and she ached within for not being able to meet his gaze. “Sorry,” was all she could say, the word hanging in the air unbearably like the taste of something sour.

Completely motionless as well was Jerry, a statue in the wake of the impact of her speech. The reality outside him seemed to spin around, and for an instant, his blank stare was filled with angry tears that he wouldn’t let out. How did he ever come to this?.

He had prepared himself for rejection, but hearing the words come from her lips felt like a cruel reality.

She loves me as a friend, he thought. The thought seemed to repeat itself in his mind, a cold reminder that she didn’t feel the same way. The hope that had blossomed inside of him was wilting, crumbling with each passing second.

“Laura, I’m sorry… please forgive me,” Jerry pleaded, his voice rough, raw with emotion. He grabbed her hands again, as though holding on to them would somehow undo everything.

His fingers trembled as he grasped them tightly, as though the simple act of touching her would make the unbearable truth vanish. “Please don’t hate me. I didn’t mean to make things awkward. I just… I couldn’t contain it anymore.”

Laura blinked, her eyes softening as she met his gaze. She squeezed his hands gently, a gesture of comfort, though it didn’t ease the pain.

“Jerry, I’m not mad at you,” she reassured him, her voice quiet but firm, trying to offer solace in the midst of this storm. “I understand. We can’t control who we love. It’s fine. Really. It’s not your fault.” Despite her efforts to do so, there was a false mask of a smile on her face, laced with sadness.

She leaned forward and wrapped her arms around him lest he forget that she still considered him a friend in spite of everything. It made her feel so confused, so divided.

“We’re still friends, Jerry. Nothing changes that,” she whispered, her voice thick with emotion.

Jerry experienced an instant wave of relief but this did not help relieve the pain in his chest.

He wished he could trust her, that he could be assured that this moment in time would not spoil the friendship between them.

“Thank you, Laura,” he murmured as they reluctantly pulled apart. His voice trembled for the briefest moment, a slip he somehow could not conceal. He was not prepared to part, not this time. He had more within himself to explain, but articulating at this point seemed futile.

Laura acknowledged and packed her things despite all odds to prove her point, slowly, almost methodically. She had been in a gush of emotions and was now trying to gather herself, to be in control again.

Jerry trailed after her to the exit, every footstep feeling like a load that increased with the seconds. Still, he wasn’t quite ready to utter his farewell, though he was aware it was time.

“Okay, Laura. You should get going now,” Jerry said, his voice strained as he forced calmness into words that didn’t feel quite right.

She nodded slowly, giving him one last hug before she stepped out of the cafe and the door closed behind her with a soft click.

“Goodnight, Jerry,” she said, her voice soft as she turned and walked toward the street and didn’t look back.

“Goodnight Laura,” he said so low that he was almost speaking to himself, as he watched the cab drive off. He remained in that position for quite some time, and indescribably, his heart was still racing within his ribcage.

He had let the cat out of the bag. He had bared his inner self. But alas, there was a change to navigate. How can he face her daily, knowing that no matter what, she would never look at him the way he has always looked at her?.

Laura came home, her mind in a whirl. She replayed in her head every single word she spoke to Jerry, every single move she made, over and over again. She had no idea what to do about this conversation and its consequences, but she could not help but endure.

She walked to her room, her feet leading her as if they were carrying fifty-pound weights, each step becoming more of a chore than the one before. She was mechanical in her movements as though her system had decided to switch off for a while to shield her from traumatizing emotions.

All she wanted right now was to crawl into the fundamentals of warmth; a bath, even if just for a moment, so that she could escape the turmoil in her brain.

The tub was being filled continuously with water from the washroom and Laura was looking at her reflection in the mirror that was hanging over the sink.

The woman looking back at her seemed foreign. She barely recognized the person staring at her from the reflection. How had she come to this? How had she let him down like that?.

She could still see Jerry’s eyes, the hurt, the hope, the despair. He deserves someone who could love him the way he loved her, but she just couldn’t be that person.

After finishing her bath, Laura hurriedly dressed in her pajamas, trying to wash away the heaviness from her skin. Yet in spite of crawling into the bed and wrapping the thick blanket around her, she was still tormented by thoughts of Jerry.

His words, “I love you, Laura”, rang in her head, doing endless loops like a disturbing sound echoing in the mountains. She turned in her bed, buried her face in a pillow, and attempted to contain the weight of feelings she carried inside.

“I should have known,” she thought. “This was bound to happen eventually.” Nonetheless, even amidst her conviction, there was a tiny part of her that chose to look beyond the heat that seemed to float in her heart at the thought of him.

It wasn't the same as the heart's infatuation, still, the concern for Jerry somehow made it hard for her to brush off.

Why is this so hard? Laura wondered as she closed her eyes and her thoughts tumbled over each other. No matter how hard she tried to push them away, Jerry’s confession kept surfacing, over and over, his voice echoed in her mind.

She was already exhausted and her body ached from the emotional toll of the evening. The weight of Jerry’s confession still hung heavy on her chest.

She forced a smile and brushed her hair slightly with her right hand and she continued to drown in thoughts of the experience. Shortly after, she fell asleep.

***

The next day…

The startling and shrill tone of her mobile phone ringing broke the calmness which reigned in the room.

Rest was attained but it was not sound.

In the midst of drowsiness, Laura reached for her phone as her head was still buried in sleep, and noticed an unrecognizable number on the phone screen. An ache of anxiety settled in her chest.

She wondered who would be that disturbing at such an ungodly hour. The clamor persisted for some utmost seconds trying to pull her out of the warmth of sleep.

‘‘Hello?’’ she spoke, sounding faint due to sleep and also pressing a yawn deep inside herself.

‘‘Laura I am the doctor from the hospital,’’ was the response on the other end, its evenness failing to hide the excitement that nearly made Laura’s heart beat out of her chest.

Every part of her body became rigid when those words landed and before I knew it, the weakness disappeared, but at first these words made no sense.

Her back straightened as she sat up in bed and clutched her phone like a vice, blind panic filled her when it was apparent that no action could be taken.

‘‘The doctor?’’ She repeated, her voice low and clearly showing distress and panic. ‘‘And what are you calling for?’’.

She still could not think straight, and she began to feel a chilling fear in the pit of her belly.

“Yes, Laura. Your mom… she’s unconscious,” the doctor explained, his tone heavy with concern. “We’re trying to see what we can do, but your brother is with her. He’s struggling to stay calm. We need you to come to the hospital right away. It’s urgent.”

Words she had dreaded ever hearing filled the void around them. The rapidity of the statement puzzled her, and breath swallowed as she tried to reason everything out. However, her mind could only grieve over one word. ‘‘Unconscious’’.

With a poise of extreme shock, she redressed, not her mother, not this one, not now. Not like that. She could practically feel the powerlessness envelope her, and soar through her at the same time.

Suddenly, she lost all thoughts and just threw the phone down on the bed and stood up.

Her heart caught up with her the moment she came rushing to the bath after which she'd have to put on her clothes. She was very anxious, her hands were shaking as they gripped and worked on the wide range of her clothing, one would think that the movement was one of the most impossible to achieve.

Out of a sudden impulse, Laura's heart began pounding a million times faster as she took her phone and bag and rushed her way out, completely dazed and oblivious of what was going on, her thoughts failing to keep pace with her actions.

The ride to the hospital was all jumbled up. She was looking ahead, focusing on the road, physically alright but her brain wasn’t present. It stayed with her mom causing various scenarios to run wild in her head.

What was the state of her mother? Why had it come to that? Her heart did not have rhythm and every ambulance that buzzed by her or any car made her chest tighten. The seconds appeared to stand still, elongating those minutes to hours.

Finally, the hospital came into view, and she had never felt more broken in her existence. Her brother, who waited for her outside, was pale and fear struck. He was shaking, and once he spotted her, threw himself at her without a second thought.

“Laura... she’s quiet. She is quiet... I’m... I’m really frightened. What should I do?" Daniel yelled and panicked in every word. He locked her in a desperate embrace as if that would shelter him from his terror.

"It's okay, sweetie," Laura murmured, trying to settle his nerves, although dread was building up within her as well. She pulled him in closer, the instinct to soothe him took over the rising fear within her. "I'm here now. Let's go see Mom, and we will sort this out."

Soft though her voice may have been, there was an undertone of doubt present. She did not know what awaited them inside but she was also aware that she could not afford to show bravery. Not for Daniel, not for herself either. Most especially not for Daniel. They needed each other now more than ever.

The moment they stepped into the hospital and started walking towards the reception area, Laura began to panic. What if they didn’t have answers? What if it was too late? Every thought seemed to stretch the muscles of her legs beyond their limits, and her guts wobbled with dread about what she was going to see.

Then as they were almost at the reception desk, something made her come to a grinding halt. An icy, mocking voice called out, effectively shattering the stillness in the air.

"Well, well, well..., who do we have here?" The voice said with heavy contempt.

The last thing Laura wanted was to look at the woman in the voice. Her heart sank when she did. Just when she thought it would be impossible to encounter her here, now of all times.

But there she was.

A woman, tall, with sharp features and a smile that seemed more cruel than kind, approached them with slow, deliberate steps. Her eyes glittered with malice as she took in Laura and Daniel, her presence almost suffocating.