C13 Chapter 13

"When was the time you realized that you're into girls?"

I stopped stirring the egg across the pan at her question.

Glancing in her direction, I turned off the stove, removing the pan from the burner and pouring the scrambled egg onto the warm plate.

We slept together in her house after the steamy night in the hotel bar bathroom. She drove while I almost fainted at the back of her car, thinking of what we did and due to alcohol, too.

Honestly, I liked it.

"Why are you suddenly curious?"

I walked towards the dining table and placed the plate. Leaning my palms on the edge, my eyes landed on her.

She shrugged. "I just want to know when. Like we get through that stage, right? A phase wherein we realized that we prefer women than men."

Nodding my head, I sat on the chair across her.

"I was in junior high school," I started. "I had a classmate about four-nine, with long colored hair, and an extremely talented woman. Well, for some reason, I found her attractive. I thought it was the same as having a celebrity crush but, it wasn't."

She was kind and jolly. A friend to everyone and I just liked her personality.

"I just know that I liked her. I didn't take it too seriously nor think about it deeply. I thought it was normal for a girl to root for someone, or like someone that much. But even when I was in the last year of senior high school, I still liked her..."

I wet my lower lip. Lexin was just intently listening to me. She never took her eyes off and that made me feel awkward yet I still go on, anyway.

"She found out about it when I kissed her the day of our graduation..."

Her brows shot up. While I hang my head down to avoid her eyes. Biting my lower lip, I couldn't help but wander back to the past.

I genuinely liked that girl. But because of liking her too much, my life has been miserable. I wouldn't be in Summerville... I wouldn't be facing all the judgments I have received from the masses. My life would have been better if I didn't meet her.

If I had helped myself swim back from the madness, I wouldn't have these perfect line cuts crossed my wrists.

I wouldn't be wearing sweaters to hide my scars. I wouldn't have hidden it using a hundred layers of foundation. My name could have saved it from being tainted.

But I was blinded by my love. I forgot that I still have me.

I always neglected myself. I always chose to save others before me. Yet, when I decided to stand up on my feet, I was trapped... Before I could even love myself, put me at my top list of priorities, I realized that there was nothing left to me.

I was left with nothing... I had given everything that I forgot to save for myself.

"Aya..."

The moment I heard her voice, a tear left my eye. It landed on the wooden table. I immediately wiped it with Lexin's long sleeves dress that I got.

She stood up and walked towards me. Without saying anything, she grabbed me from the back of my head and I just leaned on to her belly, crying silently.

"You don't have to continue, baby..."

"I was jailed for a year, Lex. I was judged for something I didn't do..."

Today was supposed to be a good day. I don't want to remember, nor even go back to the past but whenever she enters my mind, my brain just can't stop digging until it hurts me.

Is it really human nature to put someone's life at risk to save hers?

She hushed. "You don't have to say anything if you're not yet ready, okay? Whenever you feel like venting out, I'll be here..."

"Don't say that if you'll end up breaking your promise, Lexin."

My eyes went to the door when I heard a small voice. I slowly sat straight when Alex showed up holding a small teddy bear. She was rubbing her eyes, her hair's a bit messy, and was still in her pajamas.

"Mommy?" she called. "I think I heard Tita Aya's voice. Was she here?"

"Oh..." Lexin stepped aside. "She's here, love. Come, let me wash your hands then, we will have breakfast together. Tita cooked..."

"Tita! I missed you, our pretty neighbor!"

She ran towards me and sneaked her small hands around my waist. I chuckled, wiping my wet cheek.

"Hey, I miss you too, baby..."

"I'm your baby now?" She looked at me.

I nodded. "Yup. You are."

"So, you'll be my second mommy? Shall I start calling you Mama?"

I blinked numerous times at her question. I looked in Lexin's direction but she just shrugged and smile!

Alex was clearly asking me the hardest question I have ever heard!

Mommy... Gosh! My relationship with Lexin was not even clear. We still need to talk.

I don't want to give false hope. Alex was obviously fond of me and I can see that she understands. She wanted to call me mommy, which means she knows that her mother has been seeing women and not men.

She raised her too well and somehow, I felt proud knowing Alex had a mother like her. She was early educated and was taught at her age about our races.

Alex will grow up with knowledge about us. That she wouldn't be homophobic when she grows up and I'm proud of her.

"Your mom asked me to cook your favorite," I told her instead. "Let's wash your hands then, we'll eat, okay? You still need to go to school, right?"

She pouted her lips and stepped back. "Can I make an excuse to not attend school for today?"

Shaking my head, I glanced at Lexin.

"Nope, Alex. Let's eat. You'll be late in school," said her mother.

We ate in peace. Alex was telling us stories her teachers told her. She was bubbly and energetic and that might have tired Lexin. Also, Lexin was caring, too.

I almost tapped her hand away when she tried to put some food on my plate which made Alex giggle, and her frowning.

Frankly, I'm not used to this. I spent almost a decade being alone and suddenly, I'm here eating with them.

"Sorry..." I whispered.

After eating, I offered to wash the dishes as Lexin went upstairs to ready Alex for school. It was less than ten minutes when Lex joined me in the kitchen and I just finished cleaning.

"You're not going to take her to school?" I asked when I noticed that she was still wearing a short and spaghetti top.

"I had my driver send her to school," she answered. "Well, are you gonna stay here with us or you'll go back to your house?"

"Let's talk about what happened last night," I retorted, taking off the apron and hooked it.

"There's nothing to talk about last night. I mean, we both liked what happened to us so what's there to talk?" She leaned on the table, crossing her legs.

"What about boundaries?"

"Boundaries?"

Nodding, I leaned on the kitchen top, crossing my arms on my chest.

"Yes. Like I've said, I think we were both not ready to enter a relationship, so I suggested breaking our agreement. Yet, something happened between us."

She smirked. "Nothing will change, Aya. Our agreement stays as it is. What happened between us isn't a one-time thing, too. You'll be my girlfriend and vice versa until we decide to break apart. The mutual decision it is..."

"Girlfriend? We don't act like one," my voice dropped. "Also, I realized that I was just too overwhelmed when you asked me to be your girlfriend. That doesn't count, right? I can still take back my word and say no."

Her stares became dark. I swallowed hard but I tried my hardest to met her eyes.

"You're breaking up with me," it wasn't a question.

I nodded again. "Yup. From this..." I glued my index fingers together. "To this. Let's break up and live in our separate ways."

"May I know why?" she asked slowly.

I gulped. I think my mind just went blank... My heart was beating rapidly for the reason that I don't know what to say.

To be honest, I don't know... Sometimes, I'm having a hard time balancing my emotions. I, too, don't even know the reason why I wanted to break up when in fact, we haven't started anything yet.

This is why I don't want to involve myself in relationships again. I only had one but it didn't turn out well. It was a disaster... It was the reason for my trauma and I don't want to experience it again.

But this is Lexin, Aya...

She wasn't the one who hurt me. She wasn't the one who brought tremendous pain to my heart. She wasn't the reason why I had to endure the excruciating pain that caused me to bleed for years.

And until now, there's still a remnant of pain from the past.

"I don't know, Lexin..." I covered my face with my palms. "Even I can't understand myself, Lex. I thought I was okay... I thought it was over..." I cried.

Something has triggered me and this was the result, always...