C7 006 Mind Vs Heart

SOFIA

I couldn't help but panic over little things. I knew he was trying to help me. But even I didn't know what could trigger me.

He had asked me a few times if I wanted to talk about what happened to me.

Honestly, I wanted to tell him, Confide in him about what I went through all these years. All alone.

I was tired of being alone, tortured and sexually abused.

I wanted him to be my shield, to be dependent on him and open my heart to him.

But that would be selfish. I didn't give him my time of the day when he was around me. I was running behind the person who was planning to destroy me and succeeded because of my foolishness.

Then how could I use James to protect me now? Also, I was too ashamed to talk about those things. I felt so dirty just thinking about those years.

Even if my mind was telling me to run away from him and just die somewhere, my heart was stopping me from going away from him again.

He had become even more handsome with a chiseled face and body which was visible under his fitted shirt.

He must have thousands of girls throwing themselves on him but he still chose me. A dirty and used woman.

He kept telling me that only I deserved him. But how could I deserve such a perfect man when there was not a single perfect bone left in me?

I was lost in my thoughts when I felt his arms around me. I looked up to see the car had stopped and he was looking at me with an earnest expression.

I felt warm under his gaze.

“Hospital is here. Are you ready ?” He asked

I nodded.

He squeezed my arm a little before getting out and went around the car to open my side of the door. He held out his hand for me to hold.

Such a gentleman, I thought.

As soon as I was out of the car, I felt exposed.

I was scared someone would recognise me and James would be embarrassed in public because I had no idea how many men had seen me when I was with William and who might recognize me.

I was discreetly looking around, and praying to god to just make me invisible when James stopped and looked at me. It was only then I realized that I was pulling my hand away from his.

“What happened? Are you not comfortable with me ?”

“No. I mean, yes. I am comfortable with you. I am just scared someone will recognize me. It can affect your reputation,” I said while looking at my shoes.

“Don't worry about that. You are more important than my reputation. I am not letting you go.”

He said and smiled at me when I looked up at him. I didn't know what to feel. I was happy but I shouldn't be. It did not feel right to drag him down with me. My mind and my heart were at constant fight.

We went to the Doctor for a check-up while I was continuously trying to hide my face behind my hands. They took my blood samples, performed ultrasound and many other tests.

I was tested for STIs and was prescribed some medicines for vaginal dryness and to regulate my hormones which had gone haywire because of the contraceptive pills I was given for 9 long years to prevent pregnancy.

William never pitied me. He would accept any number of clients at any time of the day. If his client's time collides with his own time with me, then he'd join them but would never turn down any client, even if I was sick.

I was like a product to him that he could rent to others for their enjoyment in exchange for money and also use me for his enjoyment.

The doctor asked me to get into a healthy diet, not to take stress, exercise every day along with taking medicines so that my hormones could be regulated and my periods could restart which had stopped 2 years ago.

I had also developed PCOS because of hormonal imbalance.

The doctor advised me to attend one-on-one counselling sessions, for which I wasn't ready but after James's insistence, I agreed.

“How long have you been going through this ?” James asked as we were sitting in the car and returning home

“10 years,” I said

“What? You mean when I left for the USA, since then ?” He asked with a frown.

“Even before. When you weren't going to school and preparing for your entrance.” I said as my eyes brimmed with tears.

“So this is William who is responsible for all these? Why didn't you tell me anything ?” His eyes widened and his eyebrows shot up, as he looked angry

“How could I? I didn't want to stop you from achieving a good life. I didn't stop you and see,” I said, gesturing at him with my hands.

“You have made a very good life for yourself and your family.”

“Where are uncle and aunty? If you don't mind me asking.” He said with uncertainty in his eyes.

He was worried I would panic.

“I'll tell you everything after we arrive at your home,” I said.

“Our home..” He said and I looked away because tears were threatening to fall from my eyes.

We were sitting in a comfortable silence when his phone rang.

“Hello, mom.”

Panic rose inside me. If Aunty knows about me, she'll ask him to throw me out. What will I do? Where will I go? I should have just died yesterday. I shouldn't stay alive. No. My life has to end. I can't take any more insults from anyone. I can't. I was lost in thoughts and didn't realize I was sweating and breathing too heavily.

“Sofia..Sofia.Sofia.. breathe slowly...calm down.

I won't let anything bad happen to you anymore. I am here.”

He gave me water to drink, opened the car window on my side and asked Josh to wait outside shielding the open window.

Then he held my waist and pulled me gently towards him before putting me on his lap with my back against his chest. He started massaging my hands slowly.

Eventually, I relaxed.

He hugged me from behind and I got stiff for a few seconds remembering how William used to hug me when we were in school.

James' hug was nothing like William's. With William, it felt like I was being caged but with James, I felt warm and safe.

After some time, when I realized that William couldn't hurt me as long as I was with James, I melted into his embrace.

“What triggered it?” He asked

“The phone call..”I said as I chewed my lips.

“Why ?”

“I thought she'd know about me and would ask you to throw me out of the house. Then William might find me. I don't want to go there ever again. Death is better than going back to him.”

“Sofia.. don't even think about dying anymore. Please. Now that I have found you, I can't live without you. Never leave me. Please.”

I was crying softly in his arms when he asked, “Can I kiss you on the cheek ?”

I looked at him for a few seconds and then nodded.

As soon as his lips landed on my cheek, I felt electricity and tingles spread through my body down to my core and goosebumps covered my hands and legs.