C16 Chapter 15 - Matteo

“That’s bullshit.”

His father doesn’t seem to be rattled at all. He’s actually very calm, which makes Matteo even angrier.

“Matteo. Ninety percent of my business is legal and legitimate, but the past always has a way of catching up to you when you thought you’ve let it go.”

Matteo makes a face. “What does that even mean?”

“It means that ever since you were born I have tried my best to protect you, but now you’re older and you’ve seen enough to know what’s going on.”

“Yes. You murdering people.”

“No, protecting what’s ours at all costs. Those Russians that came into the store might have had families back home, but they were ill intentioned people who came all this way with guns to take something that wasn’t rightfully theirs. We protected our territory when they threatened to take away our lives.”

He makes everything sound so simple, and Matteo hates the fact that he understands exactly why it had to happen this way.

“You’re angry at yourself because you agree with me.” his father adds. “I know, I’ve been in your shoes when I was your age. I’ve been doing this for over twenty years.”

“Do you have a clear conscious?”

“Yes.” His father answers without even thinking about it.

“If I explain it to you, you wouldn’t understand.”

Matteo leans forward in the chair. “Try me.”

“Do you feel guilty about what happened-“ his father starts, and Matteo interrupts him immediately by saying ‘yes’ “-or do you feel guilty about not feeling guilty?”

Matte goes silent. “The second one.” He admits, which makes his father smile. It’s the first time ever when Matteo can tell that he’s proud of him.

“Then you’ll understand someday.”

Matteo stands up from the chair. He needs to sleep. “I will never kill anyone, just so you know.”

“I really hope you’ll never have to, son.”

When he gets into bed that night, he tells himself that things are still the same, his reality hasn’t changed, it just suddenly became real.

***

On New Year’s Eve they meet at Vinnie’s house around 8pm to get the last few details in order before the party starts. Isabella and Vinnie mainly took care of the organization and inviting people, but Matteo promised he would take care of the drugs. Paulo and his wife Gabriella (who everyone just called ‘Gabi’) chose to go to Capo d’Orlando last minute, so

they stayed in Palermo. About sixty people were invited either from their school, friends they’ve made abroad and all over Italy, as well as ‘plus-one’s’ as Isabella called them. Well, she called Sophia and Allison plus one’s because, in her words, she ‘didn’t consider them friends and they didn’t go to their school, so they were just exes/girlfriends aka a plus one’. Neither Vinnie nor Matteo argued.

Sometimes Matteo wonders why he even thinks about going back to Allison occasionally, why he chose to have sex with her – sometimes – these past few months, and why he felt the need to have her around even though he was aware that he had no substantial feelings for her. But seeing Vinnie go through the same thing somehow made it better, even though they were both lying to each other, giving advice but never following it themselves.

Vinnie’s house is closer to the city than Matteo’s, situated on a one-acre estate close to the sea. Matteo arrives after everyone is already there around 9:30pm because he always keeps his promises.

He goes to Vinnie’s room with the bag, only to find that there are already about seven other people in there. Ariana Milanesi is also there, and she’s obviously flirting with Vinnie while Sophia watches from across the room and talks shit about her with Allison.

“Good evening, everyone.” He smiles, waltzing over to the desk by the windows and drops the bag on it. “Drugs are here.” Since Aleksi wasn’t around because he was back in Moscow for the holidays, Matteo would get in contact with the guy he used before Aleksi who lives in Palermo. A few minutes later, a joint gets handed to him by Marco and he sits down on the sofa.

After a few hits, his eyes meet Allison’s across the room, and he immediately tenses up. She’s looking at him with her seducing eyes, which Matteo doesn’t fall for anymore.

“I thought you quit smoking.” She tells him after leaving Sophia and coming closer.

“That was two years ago.” He replies in a dry tone, puffing the smoke to the right because he remembers that it used to bother her. She obviously doesn’t get the hint because she sits down next to him.

“Why are you being weird?”

He raises his eyebrows. “I’m not being weird.”

“You’re rude.”

“I didn’t even say anything!”

She throws him a look.

Maybe he’s coming off as rude because he can’t bring himself to care anymore. He enjoys her company, yes, but only sometimes, if he feels like it. ‘It’ meaning lonely.

“You’re treating me with indifference.” Allison pouts, and his impulse is to roll his eyes, even if it makes him look like an asshole.

“We’re not together anymore, I don’t have to treat you like my girl.”

She’s taken aback by his bluntness but composes herself quickly. “I know that. And I know you’ve been sleeping with other girls too, and it’s fine.”

“Why wouldn’t it be? It’s been over a year.”

“I mean, since we last had sex.” She clarifies.

“Oh, well, yeah. You’re free to do the same.”

“So it wouldn’t bother you if I fucked someone else tonight?” she asks.

Matteo shakes his head, still leaned back on the couch looking as relaxed as ever. “Not at all.” And he means it. He’d actually be glad, because then she would get taken away by force and he could move on with his life.

“You know I’m the only one who understands you.” She says, and she sounds more like she’s pleading than threatening him to tell someone what his family actually does. “And I’m not talking about that. I mean from an emotional perspective.” she adds, probably having read his face.

Maybe she’s right. The reason he can’t seem to let her go is because he hasn’t met anyone else who fulfilled his human need to be understood, cared for, listened to. They’ve had some conversations about life and the meaning of existence which he hasn’t had with anyone else, and the feelings that came with those memories were still inside his brain. But his brain was getting tired because of her right now, and slowly, so were his feelings.

“What do you want to hear from me?”

She huffs and stands up from the couch. “I know you’ll come back to me Matteo. You always do.”

He watches her walk away and whisper something to Sophia before they choose to leave the room. His brain can’t deal, it’s like he’s back in high school. His brain needs rewiring, and as he watches his friends across the room, he smiles.

***

It happens a little bit after midnight.

Matteo kisses Vinnie on the mouth at midnight to make a joke out of it, as they’ve done years ago before Vinnie got involved with Sophia, and everything feels amazing. It might be the cocaine, or it might be the alcohol. Matteo suddenly feels like the whole world is spinning while he stands still, so he decides to go out into the back garden and get some fresh air.

After making sure his cigarettes are in his jacket, he leaves Vinnie with the others to go further out into the back garden area which is shielded from the house by trees.

“I wish Valentina was here.” Isabella says, joining him on the bench a few minutes later.

“You not having fun?” Matteo asks, placing an arm around her shoulders as they watch the fireworks over the water from the residents of the beach houses.

“I am. I mean, from the drugs. At least Ariana’s here.”

“I’m here.”

“Yeah, but you’re not here when Allison’s here. Just like Vinnie isn’t here when Sophia’s here. And when you both aren’t here, I’m not here. You get it?” she rambles and he nods.

“I think she wants to get back together.”

“Obviously. Do you want to?”

“No way. I want to not see her anymore, but in a weird way, I need her.” “Bullshit. You just need something to do.”

Matteo smiles. “That’s exactly what I tell Vinnie.”

“Follow your own advice then. And if not yours, then mine.”

They sit in silence for a few minutes, listening to the music blasting through the open doors of the house behind them, ringing out into the night over the water.

“Did you know Vinnie and Sophia had a big fight?”

Matteo looks at her, shocked. “What?”

“Vinnie was flirting with Ariana and asked to kiss her at midnight, but she refused because Sophia overheard and made a scene, telling him that the drugs were getting to his head.”

“What?” Matteo asks again. “When did this happen?”

“I don’t know, half an hour ago? In Eddie’s room. You were probably downstairs.” “Fuck. I mean, Vinnie seemed fine a few minutes ago.”

Isabella nods. “Yeah, Vinnie’s fine, but Sophia isn’t. She just left.”

“What do you mean she left? I saw her at the countdown.”

“I’m telling you, she left and then I came over here because you’re obviously into overdrive.” Matteo kisses her cheek as a way of thanking her for being her.

“I hope she doesn’t come back.” He says in a serious voice and she laughs, standing up.

Someone yells out ‘polizia’ but Matteo doesn’t register it until he sees red and blue lights flashing over in the distance. His body freezes. Someone yells it again and he comes back to reality. The sirens are loud, getting closer, so he tells Isabella to run as he himself takes off towards the house. They both know that they need to hide the drugs, otherwise it’s over.

“We have half a kilo of cocaine and weed, fuck’s sake!” Eddie screams in despair when they get to Vinnie’s room and hurry to hide all traces of drugs.

Vinnie smacks him over the back of his head. “Shout it louder, I don’t think the police heard you!”

Isabella is trying not to panic while Ariana and Allison watch by the door, scared. “It’s going to be fine.” Matteo assures them, but no one believes him, not even himself.

People downstairs start screaming over the music and soon enough, the music gets shut off at the same time the door to Vinnie’s bedroom is dramatically kicked in for no reason.

It’s only when he sees policemen pointing guns at them, yelling at everyone to put their hands up and get on the ground, that Matteo starts to realize there’s no going back to how things used to be.