C27 ..Pity

Sierra sat on the sofa with Sam, a half-finished cup of tea on the table in front of her.

The television played quietly in the background, but neither of them was paying much attention to it.

Sam had been telling her about something that happened at college when she noticed Sierra staring into space.

“Are you listening?”

Sierra blinked. “Yes.”

“What did I just say?”

“You were talking about your lecturer.”

“Very impressive. What about my lecturer?”

Sierra looked at her.

Sam folded her arms.

“Exactly.”

“Sorry. I was thinking.”

“I noticed.”

Sierra picked up her cup, realized the tea had gone cold, and set it down again.

Sam shifted on the sofa.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Sierra considered saying no.

Instead, she asked, “Do you think it's possible to mistake pity for love?”

Sam didn't answer immediately.

“Of course it's possible.”

Sierra looked down at her hands.

“Because I can't tell what I'm feeling.”

“About Alex?”

She nodded.

Sam waited.

“When I saw him, I was scared,” Sierra said. “I didn't know what was happening, and seeing Joan like that made it worse. Then I found out he has epilepsy, and all I could think about was how long he'd been dealing with it.”

She paused.

“But does that mean I still love him? Or am I just feeling sorry for him because he's ill?”

Sam leaned back against the sofa.

“I don't think being worried about someone automatically means you love them. And feeling sorry for someone doesn't mean you don't care about them.”

“That's not very helpful.”

“I'm not finished.”

Sierra gave her a small, reluctant smile.

“You can't work out what you feel based on one frightening experience. Give yourself time. Think about how you felt about him before you knew he was ill.”

Sierra fell quiet.

Before she knew.

She remembered the wedding, the way Alex had laughed at her jokes, and how easily they'd fallen into conversation. She remembered the camping trip, sitting beside him in the dark, and the brief kiss that had left her happier than she'd wanted to admit.

Then she remembered the morning he left.

The way he'd looked at her and told her they couldn't work.

The way he'd walked away without explaining why.

Those memories had existed long before the hospital. Long before she knew anything about his condition.

But they didn't answer her question as neatly as she'd hoped.

“I don't know if I still love him,” she admitted.

Sam nodded.

“Then don't force yourself to decide tonight.”

Sierra leaned back, staring at the ceiling.

“And what about Miles?”

“What about him?”

“I don't know if I'm being fair to him.”

Sam turned toward her.

“Do you want to be with him?”

Sierra opened her mouth, then closed it.

She liked Miles. He was thoughtful, and spending time with him was easy enough. He hadn't hurt her, and he hadn't given her any reason to distrust him.

But when she tried to imagine their relationship becoming something deeper, she couldn't quite picture it.

“I like him,” she said finally. “I just don't know if it's enough.”

“That's something you need to figure out.”

“I know.”

“You don't have to stay with him just because he's a good person.”

“I know that too.”

“Good. Because I was running out of wise things to say.”

Sierra laughed softly.

Sam smiled, pleased to have drawn the sound from her.

For a little while, they returned to their earlier conversation, discussing college, work, and an upcoming family visit. The subject of Alex didn't come up again.

Later, when Sierra was alone in her room, she found herself thinking about both men.

She thought about Miles and the uncertainty she had been carrying for weeks. She thought about Alex and the questions his illness had brought back to the surface.

She didn't want to hurt Miles by pretending to feel something she wasn't sure was there.

And she didn't want to convince herself that she still loved Alex simply because she was frightened for him.

For years, she had believed the hardest part of loving Alex was accepting that he hadn't chosen her.

Now, she wasn't even sure what she was being asked to accept.

Sierra turned off her bedside lamp and settled beneath the covers.

She didn't have an answer yet.

For once, she decided she could live with that.

---

The lecture hall was gradually emptying when Sam closed her notebook and slipped it into her bag.

Beside her, Joan was arranging her notes, carefully tucking the loose sheets between the pages of her notebook.

“That was a long lecture,” Sam remarked.

Joan glanced at her. “You say that every time we have Professor Williams.”

“Because every time we have Professor Williams, I begin to question my decision to attend university.”

Joan laughed quietly, pulling her bag over her shoulder.

“You'd still complain if the lecture lasted twenty minutes.”

“Twenty minutes would be reasonable. I could work with that.”

“Of course.”

They joined the other students filing through the doorway and stepped into the corridor.

The afternoon was warm, and the campus was busier than usual. Students gathered in small groups outside the lecture halls, some discussing the lecture while others were already making their way toward the cafeteria.

Sam adjusted the strap of her bag as they walked down the stairs.

“Joan, how are you holding up?”

Joan looked at her. “I'm fine. Why?”

“I don't know. You seem a little distracted lately.”

Joan hesitated before answering.

“It's just my brother. I've been worried about him.”

Sam's expression softened.

“I'm sorry. I hope things get better.”

“Thank you.”

“You know, you don't have to deal with everything alone.”

Joan managed a small smile.

“I'll keep that in mind.”

They reached the point where their paths separated, with the library in one direction and the cafeteria in the other.

“Are you going to the library?” Sam asked.

“Yes. I have some work to finish.”

“I'll stop by the cafeteria first.”

Joan nodded. “Then I'll see you around.”

“Take care, Joan.”

“You too, Sam.”

They said goodbye and went their separate ways.

As Joan walked toward the library, she thought about Alex. She wanted to check on him, but she knew he would only get irritated if she asked too many questions. For now, she decided to give him some space.

Meanwhile, Sam sat in the cafeteria, thinking about her conversation with Sierra. She knew her cousin needed time to understand her feelings, and she hoped Sierra wouldn't rush into a decision.

Both women had their own worries, but they were connected by the same person.

And Alex, despite his efforts to keep everyone at a distance, was becoming harder for them to stop caring about.