C29 I'll Propose

Sierra arrived at work that morning determined to have a normal day.

She had work to finish, patients to attend to, and responsibilities that wouldn't wait for her to sort out her personal life. She intended to focus on those things and leave everything else alone, at least for a few hours.

She had barely settled into her seat when Emily appeared at the entrance to her office, holding a cup of coffee.

“Good morning.”

Sierra looked up from her laptop. “Morning. You're early.”

“Someone has to make an effort around here.” Emily walked in and placed her coffee on the desk. “How are you doing?”

“I'm fine.”

Emily gave her a brief, unconvinced look. “You know, you say that a lot.”

“Because I'm usually fine.”

“Of course.”

Sierra smiled faintly and returned her attention to the document on her screen, hoping Emily would let the matter go.

She didn't.

Emily pulled a chair closer to the desk.

“So, are you still seeing Miles?”

Sierra's fingers paused over the keyboard.

“Why wouldn't I be?”

“I didn't say you weren't. I'm asking because you haven't mentioned him much lately.”

Sierra turned her attention back to the screen, though she had stopped reading.

“Things are fine between us.”

“Fine?” Emily repeated. “That's not particularly informative.”

“What would you like me to say?”

“I don't know. That you're happy, that you're confused, that he's annoying you. Something.”

Sierra let out a quiet laugh. “You're very demanding this morning.”

“And you're avoiding the question.”

Emily wasn't wrong. Sierra had been avoiding the question for days, even in her own thoughts.

Miles was a good man. He was thoughtful, patient, and genuinely interested in her. She liked spending time with him, and there were moments when being with him felt easy in a way she appreciated. She didn't have to question every word he said or wonder what he was keeping to himself.

With Miles, she could imagine something good developing between them.

That was precisely why her uncertainty bothered her.

He deserved more than a woman who was physically present but emotionally distracted by someone else. He deserved to know whether she was choosing him because she wanted to be with him or because he represented the possibility of moving on from a feeling she had never quite managed to put behind her.

“I think I need to talk to him,” she admitted.

Emily's expression became more attentive.

“About what?”

“About us.”

“Is something wrong?”

“Not exactly.” Sierra leaned back in her chair, searching for the right words. “He's done nothing wrong, Emily. That's what makes this difficult. Miles has been good to me, and I do like him. But I don't think it's fair to keep going forward when I'm still uncertain about what I want.”

Emily remained quiet for a moment.

“Have you told him that?”

“No. Not yet.”

“Then perhaps you should start there.”

Sierra nodded slowly, though the thought of the conversation made her uneasy.

She knew she couldn't keep postponing it. Every time Miles reached out to her, every time he made plans for them or showed her that he was serious about getting to know her, she felt the pressure of a decision she wasn't ready to make.

It wasn't his fault that her heart hadn't settled where she wanted it to.

And it certainly wasn't Alex's responsibility to make that decision easier.

That was the part Sierra struggled with most. She couldn't blame Alex for her feelings, especially when he had never promised her anything. Whatever existed between them—or whatever she sometimes imagined might exist—had never been enough for her to claim a place in his life.

She had to stop treating her feelings as though they were a problem he was supposed to solve.

Emily studied her face before speaking again.

“Is this uncertainty about Miles, or is it about someone else?”

Sierra looked down at her desk.

For a moment, she considered denying it. She could have laughed, changed the subject, or told Emily that she was reading too much into things.

But she was tired of pretending she didn't understand herself.

She simply couldn't bring herself to say Alex's name.

Emily seemed to understand.

“Right,” she murmured.

“Emily.”

“I'm not going to lecture you.” Emily picked up her coffee. “But you need to be honest with yourself before you try to be honest with anyone else.”

“I know.”

“And whatever you decide, don't make the decision because you feel sorry for someone. Not for Miles, and not for anyone else.”

Sierra raised her eyes to meet hers.

Emily's expression was serious now.

“You can't build a relationship out of guilt, Sierra. Neither of you deserves that.”

“I understand.”

But understanding something didn't always make it easy to follow.

Sierra knew she cared about Alex. She knew that even after his rejection, even after trying to convince herself that she had accepted it, the concern she felt for him hadn't disappeared.

Learning about his condition had only complicated things. It had given her another reason to worry about him, but she was afraid of what that meant.

Was she holding on because she still had feelings for him? Because she wanted to believe there was more to him than the distance he kept between himself and everyone else? Or had her concern grown into something she could no longer separate from the feelings she'd had before?

She didn't want to mistake worry for love. She didn't want to convince herself that knowing something personal about Alex gave her a reason to move closer to him.

And she didn't want his vulnerability to become an excuse to ignore the fact that he had already made his position clear.

If she truly cared about him, she had to respect that.

Even if respecting it meant keeping her distance.

“Good.” Emily stood. “Now, please finish that report before our supervisor comes looking for you.”

Sierra managed a small smile. “You could have just said you wanted me to work.”

“I tried being subtle. It didn't work.”

Emily left before Sierra could respond.

For a while, Sierra sat quietly, staring at the document on her screen without absorbing a single line.

She wanted to believe that making the right decision would bring some relief. That if she was honest with Miles and stopped entertaining the possibility of something happening with Alex, her mind would eventually settle.

But she couldn't promise herself that.

She couldn't switch off her feelings simply because they were inconvenient, and she couldn't force herself to feel more for Miles just because he was someone who might actually choose her.

All she could do was stop pretending she had everything figured out.

She turned back to her work and concentrated on what was in front of her. The morning passed much as it usually did. She reviewed documents, responded to emails, attended a brief meeting, and made the necessary corrections to a report that had been returned to her the previous afternoon.

Whenever her thoughts drifted, she brought them back to the task at hand.

She was determined not to let her personal life interfere with her work.

Still, every now and then, her mind returned to the conversation she needed to have with Miles.

She didn't know how it would end. She only knew that leaving him in uncertainty because she was afraid of facing her own feelings would be unfair.

By the time she had finished most of her pending work, she reached for her phone.

Sierra picked up her phone and opened their conversation.

Are you free for coffee during lunch? There's something I'd like us to talk about.

She read the message twice before sending it.

Miles replied a few minutes later, agreeing to meet her at twelve-thirty.

Sierra put her phone away and returned to work, determined to get through the rest of the morning without overthinking the conversation ahead.

---

Her phone vibrated with a new message.

Sierra glanced at the screen, then gathered her things and walked out of the building.

A car had stopped in front of the hospital.

Almost as though she'd been expecting it, she walked straight toward it, opened the passenger door, and got in.

She turned her head to see who was behind the steering wheel.

Alex.

For a moment, neither of them spoke.

He stared at her, long and hard, his expression difficult to read. His gaze moved over her face as though he were trying to understand something about her decision to call him.

Sierra slowly straightened in her seat.

The sight of him brought back the very thoughts she'd been trying to quiet all morning. She had spent hours telling herself to keep her feelings in check, to respect the distance between them, and to stop searching for reasons to remain close to him.

Yet here she was, sitting beside him, suddenly aware of how difficult it was to remember any of those promises when he was right in front of her.

She didn't know what he was thinking. His expression gave her little to work with, and she had learned that trying to read too much into Alex's silences was a sure way to leave herself with questions he might never answer.

She looked at him, then at the dashboard, before turning back to him.

“Nice to see you?”