C19 Gut-wrenching Journal

Farah's Diary

Anxious with strangers.

My anxiety with strangers became worst the moment I turned 18. Adult life is hard. I thought I'm not normal. I thought I'm a problematic child because I can't socialize well with others. These thoughts appeared all at once and made me under a lot of pressure. There's this memory where I keep telling myself "You can! I know you can!" but my nervousness got the best of me. I lose again. My classmates looked down on me because I can't make eye contact with them and couldn't answer their questions early. I'm literally trying to appease the nervous system when it's my time to present. The 'You can! I know you can!' became 'I wish I could disappear' after that. I even heard one of them saying "What a weak. It's such an easy question. I could even answer better than that". I thought it ended with just one mock yet one by one came without mercy. "Why she takes so long? My time is precious la d*mn! Not even making eye contact. Odd" "Bet she'll get the lowest mark. No brain also no face. Pity". I can't forget these comments. I CAN'T! I CAN'T! AND I CAN'T! I pretended I didn't hear what they said yet refrain from sobbing. Battling inside. I know I'm weak. After the class, I went to the toilet and..... cried. I can't hold it anymore. I'm sorry, I can't.

I relied on my parents and siblings too much. I feel bad and sorry for them even I learned how to calm myself when I have to do one of the socialising things but end up couldn't. I'm so sorry for being like this. I don't wanna be a burden for them but this thing really..... made me frantic with worry. I tried once yet it turned awkward. I did the greetings and asked my groupmate if they had already eaten and what's their ideas for the next project(as the lecturer put me in their group for a group project) but they ignored me. None of them replied. I knew this would happen but I believe in myself I could try. Yes, little by little. Still, they looked at me like I’m somewhat disgusting and poor. I turned my head down all the time as I felt shame while pretending to listen to their trivial matters. I merely looked at the floor thinking I shouldn't have spoken from the start. Why do I've to be this fragile? Why?

Some of them thought that I'm a weirdo. Yeah, I am, right? Always eyeballs twitching, out of breath and anxiously waiting for things I've dreamed to take place. I didn't ask for this sick to happen. I'm mad at myself. Why I can’t??? Why??? My mind went crazy every time it didn't go well. Hence, crying in silence would help and hoping my siblings won’t hear when I cry in the room or the bog. It made me overthink and get sleepless nights. It's exhausting. My attempts to shut my thoughts didn't work at times and it's so frustrating! My family all are extroverted but me. They are friendly but me. They have skills but me. This is the only thing I could do to show how I feel inside without having to keep it by myself. You always got my back through thick and thin, diary. No one ever knows I'm actually tired of this life wanna die but thank Allah for everything. They(family) thought I don't have problems as I've been lively all this time with a joyous face every day. But deep down, looking at nature somehow made me soothe even more especially the blustery day - I don't wanna disturb them thus I locked myself in my room and learned how to manage my trouble.

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Raja's Past

Strict and toxic parents.

My strict and toxic parents did make the depression go higher at times. Everything my siblings do, they will put the blame on me. Why? Because I'm the eldest. Such a first-born syndrome. Obviously, it's their fault. Why do I've to listen to your rant and rave? Educating us fairly would be nice. One of the nice ways to handle us. What you'll get when you blame me? I literally mind my own business doing my work. But then, you called me for something that I didn't even do? Being the eldest is exhausting sometimes. Could be always. I have to do this, I have to do that. Yeah, like I'm the only child in this f*cking house! "You didn't teach them right! As the eldest, you're supposed to show a good example!" They would say that occasionally. Like I don't have other things to do? Am I becoming a mother now? Do they really care what I feel? I'm a human, not a robot. I have my own limit. You can say it nicely instead of yelling and screaming and shouting. What I do was never enough, is it? Never? That's all you could say? Also, people make mistakes. Just because I made one mistake, you inculpated me for all other things that happened. Without proof. I'm tired. Bottled up feelings were all I could do until now because of all of these. I had to endure them. I'm not always strong. My feelings are valid too you know.

Toxic friends as well. Just because I'm the shortest you guys make fun of me? Like you guys aren't even 170cm? Clearly, our height is just 20cm something different and what do you want me to do with my height? Allah made me and I'm grateful for that. I didn't even body shaming you guys because I know it's a sensitive matter. I know how it feels when people body shaming you yet you guys thought it's funny. Not only once, but you guys also did in umpteen times. I just couldn't describe other nasty things you guys did. It's wounding. I don't wanna remember all that. Still, the pain couldn't go away. Then, I replied late because I was busy finishing my assignment but you guys just changed the topic so SUDDEN and didn't give me any reply? I thought you guys were busy at first. Turned out it's on purpose after countless times you guys did. I felt left out. I never leave your questions or anything with no answers or replies when you guys send anything in the group chat. Is it hard to appreciate someone?

One way to let out my anger is I will post about it indirectly in my socmed albeit I didn't get what I deserve. One of the satisfaction that I earned was by doing that. I've no one else to express what I feel. Eventually, I know there's a lot of 'hikmah' are waiting. Yet vulnerable.

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Anne's Journal

Taciturn. Disquietude.

It occurred whenever people I'm not close ordered me to talk. I don't know why I don't feel like talking. Might be because I know people won't perceive what I said even they're the closest people I've known. This all started when I was 13. You wanna get to know me, yes, I let you into my world but then you judged me for being this extreme introvert person? I'm sorry but we're not in the same league. Things I never forget when I was 15, your cousin said I'm mute but you didn't even... Ya Allah, it hurts so bad. I'm trying to get out of my comfort zone little by little because it's hard for me. I'm this introvert ever since I was a kid. I have strict parents and it's hard for me to express what I feel inside. You know that feeling when your big family expose something they shouldn't? And their toxic answers when I told and expressed what I felt. Yeah, from that, I learned to shut my mouth. I've been patient ever since some of you showed me your attitude. Thus, I decided to mind my own business instead(reading something so that I can make myself busy and stay away from you). Alhamdulillah, it works. And the first relationship that I thought was real turned out it was just because he's bored. Thank you for the..... experience.

Then, "Don't you have lips to answer?" Wow, really? I'm literally thinking and short of breath(became clumsy) but you never cared. My mug may look serene but it was miserable inside. I've to prepare before I talk as I don't wanna make anyone feel uncomfortable but abruptly you said I don't have a mouth? Just because I didn't say anything? Yet? Some of them even judged me as cocky and even painful, mute. I definitely can speak but only when I have to or am comfortable. I thought I was strange when I recalled those moments as that happened once again. I've tried to lessen my agitation and alhamdulillah ya Allah, it's working. I didn't expect they would work. That was the best day ever in my life as I got a chance to communicate without worrying about the outcome. But it only lasts for 6 months. I become the same person now. Like I was before. It's hard to get rid of those awful thoughts. People taunting you like it's nothing. My friend once told me her friend from the next class said I'm mute. Why I didn't talk? I pretended it wasn't a big deal in front of my friend but when I arrived in my room, I turned half beast and half-angel. The angel side keep telling it's not a fact, right? He/she didn't know you so just let it be, be patient and show them what you've got yet the beast side asked who the h*ck is that person? Say directly to my face! I dare you! You dearth knowledge! Maybe because your manners made me do so! Still, angel always win. And weep.

Judge the book by its cover, eh? Thank goodness, I think twice before my anger got the best of me. I can't stop once I let it out.

I imagined myself being a flame that fumes non-stop to its peak and I knew it's not me if I let it go. The brain and heart are the ones that turned you alive after Allah made you. Therefore, use your brain in lieu of your emotion. Please, always remember this every single time when people taunt you, Anne. You don't wanna hurt others, right? You know you could be nice instead of being bad, right? You know you got options. You know what is right and what is wrong. You know you're not weak if you cry. You have emotions. But I rather hide it. They won't comprehend me. Nay. I'm worn out to tell any secrets or anything anymore. I knew what their replies would be. I'm sorry for my past that you have to endure it since you're small. You're an adult now. Your life matters the most. Be selfish for once. You've been selfless for years even they served you like a slave. Yet I can't let the selfless go. I did sob till I feel satisfied but the agony, trauma and anxiety were still there.