C3 Random Past Thoughts

Am I not enough?

You could tell me what's wrong yet it hurts when you left me without saying goodbye and condemned me as I'm at fault forbye.

Does it feel good when you bullied others?

I thought we were friends yet I am still being nice to you albeit you're just using me.

How did I know?

By the way you treated me.

I won't argue with you even though mom said to fight back whoever likes to bully me but I still chose peace over violence.

I thought you'll treat me nicely one day but no.

You treated me the same after years.

I wonder if I did anything that made you behave towards me this way.

Why do some people always use innocents people for fun?

Yeah, an easy target for you to do anything that you want.

Do you know the consequences of what you did?

Some will be smiling outside but utterly miserable inside and obviously, they want to live their life to the fullest but you destroy it in a flash of light.

Why you accused people when you got no proof?

You simply point your fingers towards me to the point where I can't defend myself when others believe you more than I do while turning my head down because I don't have the energy to fight when nobody believes me as I cried inside and feel so bad.

Why are you so weak, dear self?

You know that feeling when you can't talk to anybody easily although you feel the urge to let it all out but can't.

Bottled up everything then waits until it fades out somehow became habits till I have grown up.

I told them that I trusted and believed that they could help ease my worry and uneasiness.

Sadly, they forced me rudely but soft and said that I could do better and nothing to worry about in a harsh way.

I thought that's the only way to push myself when people around you say so.

Not caring how bad it affects me and turned me into a fragile loser and completely dead-loss.

Why is it so hard for me to initiate a conversation?

Like my mouth glued whenever I'm around strangers and rather wandering than starting a conversation.

Afraid that I might be saying things that I shouldn't and don't know how to make it longer.

End up stuttering and voice become low.

It turns into a whisper and abruptly quiet.

They would find me a weirdo and soon, left me.

Is he or she still mad at me?

Cared too much about others but myself.

Others feeling but yourself.

They are precious but me.

Can't help it as I make a tad mistake every single day yet they didn't mind but still, I do.

Why am I a coward?

Some people are as a matter of fact hard for me to greet them not because they're intimidating yet nothing comes out when I approach them and sudden befuddled doesn't help either and eventually they keep distant from me.

Again, I’m a weirdo.

Why I can't be like the others?

What a coward.

What a moronic.

Such a slow and dull dumb.

Words that had been thrown at me without a doubt.

Yet I tried to be friendly to them.

Why am I trying so hard even though they treated me like sh*t?

You stole the love that I saved for myself

And I watched you give it to somebody else

(Little Mix - Good enough)

Why aren't you fight back, girl?

They threatened me if I told anyone I'll be doomed while poke fun at me being lonely and got no friends.

It tortured my mind as their words were as sharp as a knife and I've nobody by my side to support me and even, help me in my worst.

Why do people like to compare(Am I that bad?)?

I tried to raise my voice

Get clouded by the noise

Tripped up more than twice

Those fools taught me right

I bared my naked soul

All on my painful flaws

Wish I could open up

Take in the love

(Insecurities - Jess Glynne)

Why it's hard for you to understand(those particular people)?

I missed you so much.

I never hated you one single bit since the day I've known you because I know eventually, you'll understand why I'm like this distant from people, like being alone and don't talk much some days.

I believed that day will come slowly but surely as it takes time.

But.

That day never comes as I had awaited it with stoicism every time when I'm with you.

Do you ever think of me as a friend, friend?

I just wanna talk about everything with somebody that means something to me.

A close relationship that I never had with anybody other than family.

You know how it feels, right?

I don't have to hold what I felt inside and times where I struggled that I don't comprehend at times.

At least one, I will really appreciate that.

Yet what's the point of communication when I don't have anyone by my side?

Distraction, distraction and distraction?

Can I run away to somewhere peaceful?

Where nobody will judge you for whatever you wanna do or where the people don't even poke one’s nose into others matters? You don't even know what I felt inside.

The moment I become stronger also the moment people brought me down as if my effort was futile all this time.

Why am I being so d*mn useless?

I was getting scolded when I make little mistakes and that high pitch scream was a whole nightmare when nobody was by my side as it triggered me that anyone will get mad at me for petty matters.

Why do you let others talk bad about you, yourself?

I acted like I'm strong and showed that it doesn't hurt me yet it gave me palpitation and hyperventilate simultaneously when I was alone in the dark, pain shot through my heart and it stings every time it lingers on my mind all of a sudden even though just for a second.

Am I too easy?

I was being personable as it's what my parents disciplined me be that as it may aching, smarting and throbbing when you thought and serve me like I'm a servant and not as a friend as I wished for.

Why do you have to be bad when you can be nice?

I understood you have to mask your emotions so anyone won't step on you but I believe not all people like that yet you were being insolent towards me.

I did what you told me in order for me to be close to you even you push me away mercilessly and I believe you had your own reason.

Thus, instead of being mad at you, I'll be there for you, still when nobody else will.

Why are you so stupid, girl?

He and she demanded me to do it so I did it without asking many questions so that we can stay alongside being close-knit classmates for a long time before they cast me away like an outsider.

I'm willing to do it because I have to and don't wanna cause trouble.

Also, don't wanna make things hard as I'm a frail chicken tiny kid while composing to not to whimper or even shed tears when I know they'll make fun of me for sure if I do.

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But that's all in the past and it made me who I am now albeit these people once being the closest to me and some still attempted to get hold of me until now for I don't know whatever reasons they have.

Every week it gets worse

Worst and yet it could go on for years

Years of pain memories will eventually fade away

Away from it and I thought time would heal everything

Everything that caused me to grieve and it playing me up

Up till then hoping that pain will go away

But

I was wrong

Not all the pain go away as I wish

Some will always be lingering inside

Whether to make you devastated or delicate

Or made you whoever you are now

The feisty and strong-minded one

You choose

Your choice