C6 Fighting Depression

I just woke up in the middle of the night and began to think, how is my life so fucked up, like I don’t understand anymore, why am I so like this, I’m in my bathroom standing in front of the mirror and I hate myself so much. What is love, is there love, why is there so much pain so much hate deep inside my heart, I don’t fuckin understand it anymore. I want to feel love, I want to be loved, I want to experience all this beautiful emotions everyone else is experiencing. It’s a very sad life I’m living and I am so fucked up psychologically it’s going to take more than a shrink to get me sorted. What a shit life guys, shit life, have you ever been in a room looking at the woman you love and can’t even express to her how you feel, it’s just so much I feel like I’m going mad. All this intelligence and I’m still fuckin wasting away feeling this emptiness inside, I feel so hollow right now, I wish there was a fuckin work to express what I feel right now. I’m in pain guys, stuck in my toilet trying to tell my other self my bloody reflection in the mirror that you deserve better, you are a great person, you are wonderfully made in all areas and you are a beautiful human being in your soul. What the fuck is going on with me, why God why, why the fuck am I standing here yet again, it hurts so bad. I know you all think I’m pathetic, spineless and a fool but am I to blame for who I am, for what I am, I just don’t know what to say, I am so fuckin conflicted, I want to know love, feel love and be loved, all this things I want to experience it too. I can’t stop the tears, I really don’t know why it hurts so bad, I’m sitting in my bathroom floor crying like a little child, how shameful I must be right now. I’m speaking to you from my heart and everything you are getting right now is real, I told my shrink once to find me someone more pathetic than I am maybe then I might consider myself lucky but she kept mute. But why me though, why is my life so fucked up and shit, my past relationships I have been in I was used by my partners all through, I never for once experienced anything good and when I thought they were trying to make me happy it was the direct opposite, they want something from me so they use me instead and pretend to love me, once they get what they want they are good as gone. There is no love anywhere, I really try to believe in it but there is no love, everything is just an outburst of emotions and a feeling that only last for as long as it gets, nothing special coming after. I have been used and used and used and at the end of the day welp, guess what you find them giving more time and attention to another guy. I really wish I was a bad person maybe I was rude, heartless, not caring, arrogant and a woman beater because that’s what all this ladies go for and I don’t understand everything, I don’t know maybe I’m just crazy, maybe I need serious help. I’m so depressed here I can’t even sleep, my eyes are wide open and my heart is heavy, I tried closing my eyes to sleep early and that’s how I got here crying like a little bitch. I don’t know man, maybe one of this days I may actually commit suicide if I can’t take it anymore. I know it’s been quite a few years my last girlfriend broke up with me and left me for good but I just don’t understand why I feel this terrible, I was doing fine this morning but now I’m fucked up, like really fucked up. And I know some of you may think yeah you a little bitch, you stupid little dickless spineless cunt but you don’t know what I’m going through daily, struggling to keep a smile on my face, hated by my fellow co workers and living alone with not one single friend except for the janitor but who knows tomorrow I might end up back where I begin, please I need help, because I fuckin do, I need love to heal, I want to feel love, I want to be loved.

I cried for the first time in a while and I think I will feel better about all this pain I’m harboring inside, it’s not like I give a fuck about seeing my shrink anyway, but I’m starting to loose my mind in the process, I think I’m starting to feel crazy all over again and I don’t know if I will ever be fine after this. I wish I had a hand to lay in and cry everything out once and for all and have someone tell me everything was going to be ok but I doubt it, I’m super sad right now and I wish It all ends now. It’s not like there is a meaning to life anyway, it’s not like there is someone somewhere who is going to miss me, or there will be a mass of people at my funeral, i just laughed right now, like I’m just thinking if I die today if I get just five people at my funeral that will be a Guinness world record, I can’t stop laughing. Welp I think I might be a little crazy or maybe I am completely mad, but either I guess I will just lay here in my bathroom floor till I fall asleep, if I get lucky maybe I will have a sound few seconds of sleep. I must be mad, now I understand why my shrink told me to talk less with myself and do more walking and sitting outside in the park. I guess I need to take my pills now maybe double the dose to get me where I need to be for the night.