C214 A Headache

My mother has always hoped I would be a good son, and she always knew I was. Therefore, she couldn't accept the news of my arrest, even though it was only for a brawl and a fifteen-day detention. To her, it was a cataclysmic event, perhaps even a life-altering stain.

I stood outside the door, neither knocking nor offering excuses, simply standing, lost in thought. I found it rather ironic; in Ruili, I lived so freely, so passionately, yet back in Kunming, I was reduced to this mundane existence.

I had a girlfriend to care for, a mother to appease, and her words to heed. Before her, I had to play the dutiful son. Though ordinary, I cherished this life.

I stood at the door for hours, my legs numb and aching. It was deep into the night, and my mother still showed no sign of opening the door, yet it opened— Xuanling.

I entered, and Xuanling, her face etched with worry, looked at me without speaking. In the living room, I saw my mother coughing, the strong scent of traditional Chinese medicine heavy in the air, evidence of prolonged use.

My mother looked at me, her face a mask of disappointment, but she remained silent. I stood before her, speechless, unsure where to begin. I didn't fall to my knees, weeping and begging for forgiveness; that felt too cliché.

After a long silence, my mother rose in a fury, grabbing a rolling pin and striking my back several times. The pain was intense, excruciating, but I endured it silently, gritting my teeth.

Xuanling, frightened into tears, pulled at her. My mother, too, wept, her anger still palpable.

I remained standing, letting her strike me. If it would ease her anger, I would bear more blows.

Xuanling forcefully wrestled the rolling pin away. My mother, sitting on the sofa, pointed at me, her disappointment evident. "You were involved in a mass brawl! If the police hadn't called, I'd have thought you were running a legitimate business. What kind of business involves gathering a mob to fight? Are you part of some triad?"

My anger simmered, but I remained silent, offering no defense. Xuanling pleaded, "Zhao Fei, say something! Apologize! Apologize to your mother!"

I finally responded, "I'm sorry, Ma."

"What are you sorry for?" she demanded.

I hesitated, unsure how to explain the hardships I'd endured, the injustices I'd suffered—things she knew nothing about. My own grievances felt immense, things she would never understand, like the time I crawled under Chen Xi's legs.

Nevertheless, I apologized again. "I'm sorry, Mom. I shouldn't have fought. Running a bar… it's unavoidable…"

My mother raised the rolling pin again, striking my back several more times. Xuanling desperately intervened, sobbing uncontrollably. My mother exclaimed, "Is that an excuse? Is that a justification for leading a gang brawl? No! You've become reckless! You think it's glorious? But if someone had died, you'd be a murderer, facing imprisonment, possibly even execution! Do you understand? Do you know how I've spent every night terrified since I learned of your imprisonment? I haven't slept a wink!"

Her anguish was palpable. I knew her blows stemmed from deeper pain. But what could I do? I was caught in a web of circumstances beyond my control, a situation I never sought, yet one I was forced to navigate.

I offered no defense, simply stating, "I know I was wrong, Mom."

"Wrong how?" she pressed, her voice sharp.

This was the question I dreaded most, a familiar refrain from childhood. My father would beat me, then demand to know where I'd gone wrong, yet I often lacked a clear answer, or pride prevented me from admitting it.

"I shouldn't have fought. I won't again…"

My mother reached for the rolling pin again, but Xuanling, this time, ran to the window and threw it out. She was cautious, afraid, but her solution was flawed; if not a rolling pin, there would be other weapons.

Sure enough, my mother grabbed her shoe and beat me relentlessly. Xuanling rushed over, crying, "Auntie, please stop! Look at Zhao Fei, he's already injured…"

My mother, still seething, sat on the sofa. "Convict. Do you understand the weight of that word? If you go to prison, you'll never escape that label. You might not care, but what about Xuanling? Will you ruin her life?"

I looked at Xuanling, her head shaking, speechless. Guilt gnawed at me. I'd failed her, yet she remained steadfastly by my side, while I offered only an uncertain future. I questioned the path I'd chosen.

"You're wrong for opening that bar, wrong for abandoning your studies. You'll drive me to my grave! You two conspired to deceive me. How long has it been since you've attended classes? Your advisor is about to expel you, do you know that?"

Xuanling hung her head, avoiding my gaze. I didn't blame her; she had done all she could.

"Do you know how happy your father was when you got into that prestigious university? Have you forgotten his hopes for you? I don't expect you to live up to my expectations, or your deceased father's, but do you even have any self-respect? Have you forgotten those nights you studied until midnight, even in the dead of winter? You finally got into university, and now this?"

Regret washed over me. Before university, I'd believed it was the pinnacle of my life, but now I knew it was merely a gateway to a world of hardship and complexities.

Silence descended. My mother, seeing my silence, ceased speaking, her pain evident. Xuanling urged me to submit, but I didn't know how. Suddenly, my mother went into her room, and I saw her packing. "What are you doing, Ma...?"

"I'll live wherever you live. If you're not ashamed of me, this old woman, then take me with you…" she said angrily.

Tears welled up. At her age, to cause her such heartbreak… I was unfilial. I went into her room, saying, "Mom, I won't go anywhere. I'll close the bar. I won't go back to Ruili. I'll go back to school. I won't go anywhere…"

My mother continued packing, ignoring me. I tried to stop her, but she persisted. I felt a breakdown coming. She was stubborn, trying to goad me into staying in Kunming, refusing to leave.

"Mom, really, I'm not going anywhere. I'm begging you. I know I was wrong. I'll close the bar. I'll study hard. I really will."

My mother looked at me, and I choked back a sob, a tear rolling down my cheek. "I won't be fooled. You have to come home every day after school. If you don't…"

"I will, I promise. Believe me…" I pleaded.

Only then did she stop packing. Xuanling looked at me, saying, "You must be hurting. Let me get you some ointment."

"No need, Xuanling. Let him suffer. He won't learn otherwise. A beating is better than a bullet someday," my mother said.

She took Xuanling to bed. I was alone in the living room, a knot in my stomach. My decision had appeased my mother, but what about everything else?

The jadeite auction was days away, and I had a mountain of unfinished business in Ruili. I still had to deal with Ma Qing, to maintain control. It was all too much, and now I was confined to my home. My head throbbed.

What was I to do?

If I missed the auction, what would Wei, Kun Sang, and Qian Guang do? They'd probably kidnap me.

I lay on the sofa, my head pounding. The saying, "Once you're in the game, you're at its mercy," rang true.

I drifted off, or rather, I closed my eyes. Suddenly, I felt someone applying ointment to my back. I turned, and saw my mother, her face cold, continuing to apply the medicine.

The sight stung my heart. "Ma, I'm fine…"

"Fine? You're covered in bruises…" she said, her voice choked with tears.

I tried to console her. "Ma, it's because you beat me…"

She looked at me, her eyes filled with pain. "Have I ever hit you before? Never! But this time, you've broken my heart. I don't want my son to get involved with the underworld just to make money. I don't need you to be rich, or to earn a lot. I just want you to be safe. Do you know how dangerous that life is? For days, I've been picturing your future, and I can't bear to think about it…"

My heart ached. "Ma, it won't happen again. I promise."

My mother reached out, touching my face. "Think of Xuanling. She's such a good girl. You need to take responsibility for her."

I nodded. She hugged me. "Life doesn't offer many chances for good choices. You have to make the most of this. I can only guide you while I'm alive. When I'm gone…"

"Mom, don't talk like that. You'll live a long, long life…"

She stood, saying nothing more, her back to me as she returned to her room. A tightness in my chest brought tears to my eyes. Her wish was simple, yet I couldn't fulfill it. I knew I had crossed a line, and I would have to find a way to navigate it, even if it meant crawling.

I'm sorry, Mom…

A/N

Heyy, you reading, thanks for reading this far please don't stop, support me in any way that youcan. Your reviews, your comments, your criticism, all of it, l would appreciate them. l love you.

I do, l don't know you but you are reading, so l love you.