C4 Chapter 4

I knew it was downright pathetic. During the first week, I was so mad at Bryan. He was a liar. He was my best friend before he became my boyfriend. How could he treat me like that?

Then I was so mad at Geena because in my opinion, she should have stopped things from happening. Bryan is merely a man. A man who had been harboring his sex drive since we started dating. His testosterone levels were probably shooting sky high like a rocket when Geena showed a little bit of flesh.

On the second week, I was mad at myself. I thought it was my fault that I was a self-righteous virgin who believed that a relationship these days can go a long way without intimacy.

On the third week, I was just mad at love itself… for leading me on, for making me think that there is a happily ever after in store for me.For making me believe that the dream wedding I had in my head since I was ten-years old could turn into a reality.

And now… I just didn’t know what or whom I was mad at anymore. A part of me hurts so much that sometimes, I think it would have been so damn easier if I just ran back to Bryan’s arms and forgave him. But a bigger part of me cannot trust him again. Not anymore. A part of me says that I have made it three weeks without him, with this pain. I can make it a few more. And then healing will come for sure.

When I got home that night, Adam was on his way to his deck with a beer on his hand.

“Half-pint,” he greeted me.

“I’m not a kid anymore, Adam.”

“Ha! See? I learn something new every day,” he said sarcastically.

I rolled my eyes and started to head to my room.

“Hey, wait up,” he called.

I turned back to him.

“Join me.” He motioned towards his deck.

I raised a brow. “No. Thanks. I better go to bed.”

“And do what?” he asked with a raised brow. “Sleep? Mope? Dream that the bastard is going to magically develop a conscience for you?” He shook his head. “Come on, Ash. I’ve known you all your life. You’re smarter than that. Maybe you just need a little push. Come, drink with me at the deck. It’s time you and I have our heart to heart talk.”

I sighed and followed him towards his deck. The moonlight was beautiful. The sea breeze instantly blew on my face. I sat on the chair beside Adam’s. He handed me a beer.

I took a gulp and waited for him to say something.

“It’s been three weeks, Ash,” he started. “And you’re looking worse.” He sighed. I didn’t reply. “Don’t tell me that I don’t know anything about pain, about love and heartache. Trust me, I’ve had my fair share. Maybe that’s why I am what I am now. I’ve been hurt too much before.”

For the first time, I saw Adam in a different light. The cold, ruthless façade… the brutal truth he always speaks regardless of who will get hurt… Now, I understood. He experienced pain. He had been lied to in the past. He had been betrayed before… that created the man that he is now. A man who believed that brutal truth, no matter how much it hurts is still a lot better than the sweetest of all lies. And thus, he always says what is on his mind. He speaks the truth, as he sees it. He doesn’t lead people on.

“What?” he asked, when he realized I was staring at him intensely.

I snorted and took a gulp of my beer. “Well, I guess this is probably the first time I’ve seen evidence that you have a heart.”

He chuckled. “Hard as it may be to believe… yes. I do have a heart. Oh! I meant… I did have a heart.”

“So what happened to you?” I asked him.

He snorted. “I’ve blocked out some memories. So I can’t really tell you.”

“But you just said you’ve had your fair share of love and heartache. Surely you must remember some things.”

“If you lose, don’t lose the lesson,” he murmured. “I may have chosen to forget the incidences in my life that tore me apart, but I didn’t forget the lessons they taught me. So, though I may not tell you what happened to me exactly, I can still give you advice.”

“Okay, knock yourself out, big brother,” I said sarcastically.

“Hey, I have known you since you were kid. We grew up together. We may not be related by blood, but guess what? I was probably the only brother you’ve known.”

“Yeah. And Geena was the only sister I’ve known. And look what she did to me,” I said glumly.

“At least we’ve never been best friends when we were growing up. You used to hate me.”

“What makes you think I don’t still hate you?” I raised a brow at him.

“Fair enough,” he said coolly. “But at least you don’t expect me to be nice. If I say something that hurts your feelings, remember that I’ve always been like that.”

“You’re the first one to teach me how to be immune. To tune it all out.”

“Yes. But you’re not a very good student, are you?” he asked.

“Why do you say that?”

“Because that’s what you should be doing now. Tuning out. I don’t think you know how to.”

I sighed. “There are times that I thought I could. But then again… sometimes it gets so hard. It was painful.” Tears rolled down my cheeks. “It still is painful.”

“I know,” he said. “Don’t think that it will go away soon. It’s physically hurtful. Like your chest aches. You know, that’s why they call it heartbreak. Because you really feel like your heart is breaking. It’s not just an emotional pain; it’s a physical pain too. And you have to face it, Ash. There’s no running away from it.”

“I know. But it’s difficult not to remember how things were. You know I didn’t only lose a boyfriend… or a fiancé for that matter. I also lost a best friend. Geena’s been there through most of my childhood. She was a sister. And I can’t stop hurting over the fact that the two people I loved and trusted the most did this to me.”

“Geena has always been liberated. You know that. You were the only person in the world who trusted her too much. She was spoiled. But you worshipped the ground that she walked on. She made out with one of the guys you dated in high school one hour after you broke up with him. But still… you never expected anything less of her.”

“That’s why I still couldn’t believe she’d do worse than make out with my ex-boyfriend! God! Now, I hate her!”

Adam snorted. “Really? And what about Bryan? Don’t you hate him?”

“I should. But…” I sighed. “We’ve been through a lot. And… well, maybe I also drove him to do what he did…”

Adam was silent for a while. Then he asked, “What… what could you have done that would drive him to cheat on you over and over again… for six months… maybe more? And with your cousin?”

I sighed. I stared at Adam for a long while. And then I replied, “What he got from Geena… he never got from me, you know.”

Silence.

A long, deafening silence.

I stared at Adam. He was looking at the sea view. His thoughts were not visible on his face.