C4 Chapter 4

With Whom?

“Who did you sleep with last night?” Geraldine demanded furiously, storming into Silvia’s room. “Was she worth it?”

Silvia looked at her, took a deep breath, and folded her arms across her chest. “What did we agree on?”

“Loving you is a dirty job, but somebody’s got to do it,” Geraldine spat out between clenched teeth.

“Excuse me?” Silvia laughed in disbelief.

“Loving you –”

“Oh, thanks!” Silvia put her hands up in defense. “I didn't mean for you to repeat yourself. I heard what you said.” She shook her head, still disbelieving. “I never would’ve dreamed,” she said softly to herself.

“Did she kiss you the way I kiss you?” Geraldine asked, hurt. She grabbed Silvia and kissed her hard, against her will.

Silvia let it happen, didn’t react, just waited for Geraldine to let go of her.

“Sil . . . oh, Sil . . .” whispered Geraldine, pressing Silvia against herself. “Why do you torment me so? Can’t you love me even a little bit?”

“I’ll never say ‘I love you’ to you, nor do I ask that of you,” Silvia replied softly. “That’s what we agreed on. I never promised you anything more. You agreed. No demands, no obligations. You’re just as free.”

“What good is that freedom to me?” Geraldine pushed Silvia away from her slightly. “I don’t need it. You’re the only one who takes advantage of it.”

Silvia didn’t answer. She regarded Geraldine, then turned away.

“Talk to me!” Geraldine screamed at her. “Do you think it’s enough for you to just sleep with me?”

Silvia turned to face her. “You seem to enjoy it,” she replied calmly. “But we could stop.”

Geraldine threw back her head helplessly. “Yeah,” she blurted. “For you, that’d be easy. You have plenty of others.”

“Why don’t you pay a little more attention to your fellow students?” asked Silvia. She sat down behind her desk. “You’re much too fixated on me.”

“I love you,” whispered Geraldine in despair. “I don’t want anyone else – just you.”

“That’s your problem,” Silvia answered soberly, “not mine. Would you please excuse me now? I have to prepare for a seminar.”

“Why don’t you forbid me from participating in the seminar?” Geraldine whispered, exhausted.

“Why should I?” said Silvia. “It’s your choice.”

“It would be simpler for me if you’d take the choice away,” said Geraldine.

“I know,” Silvia nodded, “but that’s not my job. You’re responsible for yourself. If it torments you to have to see me in the seminar, then don’t come.”

“Why are you so cold and hard?” asked Geraldine, despondent and even more exhausted than before. Debating with Silvia always sapped her strength.

“I’m not,” said Silvia. “I just look out for my own interests. You’ve known that from the start. No one is forcing you to stay with me.” She looked up at Geraldine, who was standing in front of her desk. “Least of all me.”

Geraldine didn’t reply immediately. When she did, she only whispered her response. “Why do I love you so?”

“I have no idea.” Silvia arched her eyebrows. “If I were in your place, I’d spare myself the whole thing. It’s hopeless. You’re torturing yourself for nothing.”

Geraldine went around Silvia’s desk. “Kiss me,” she pleaded in a whisper. “Please, just kiss me one more time, like you did in the beginning.”

Silvia looked up at her from below. “I can’t remember that anymore,” she said. “But you’re always welcome to a kiss – you don’t have to ambush me.”

Geraldine leaned over her and tenderly sought her lips, pleaded for entry, was answered, and sank into the kiss as though it were her last. Silvia kissed her softly back, as if they were tenderly bound together. She didn’t perceive it that way, but in the last six months, she’d learned to forget that perception, whether she was with Geraldine or another woman.

In truth, she still thought only of Karla. It was never any other woman, only Karla, the one, the only, the love of her life. That was also why she didn’t have a guilty conscience.

She woke afterwards as if from a dream, every time, and she looked into a strange face that she wasn’t expecting, that surprised her each time – because it wasn’t Karla’s.

She had no connections with these random faces, no sentiment, no feelings, and above all – no love.

She only felt love when she was dreaming of Karla. Then, and only then.

Geraldine let go of her. “Will we see each other this evening?” she asked, full of hope. “Please?”

“I –” Silvia looked like she wanted to say no, but changed her mind. “Fine,” she said, “but later.”

“Who . . .” Geraldine swallowed. “Who are you meeting beforehand?”

“Not that it’s any of your business . . .” Silvia sighed. “With Luise. We have a meeting. Work-related.”

“Work-related,” repeated Geraldine. It was obvious that she was doubtful.

In earlier days, Silvia would’ve laughed; now, she didn’t. It was pretty funny, though, seeing as Luise was practically the only woman she didn’t sleep with.

Geraldine took a deep breath to find the strength to part from Silvia. “I’ll see you tonight, then,” she said.

Silvia nodded.

Geraldine went out and shut the door behind her. Teresa was sitting at the little desk in the outer office. “Was she with you last night?” Geraldine asked sharply.

Teresa looked up and blushed. “N-no,” she stammered. “Of course not. Where’d you get that idea?”

“She must’ve been with somebody.” Geraldine shrugged. “You’re as good a guess as anyone.”

“I’ve always thought she was wonderful,” Teresa replied with modest dignity, “but I would never dare touch her.”

“Oh, believe me, that wouldn’t be a problem.” Geraldine threw her head back and laughed. “Go ahead, try it. If she loves one thing, it’s that!” Still laughing, she went out.

Outside, her desperate laughing stopped abruptly. Geraldine’s face collapsed in on itself, as though it had lost its support. Tears rose in her eyes.

“What am I going to do?” she whispered, choked. “What am I going to do?”