C3 Chapter 3

Lost Days

“I’m pregnant, Chris.” Sabrina’s toneless voice floated toward Chris from the doorway.

Chris’s head shot up. She was so surprised, she couldn’t say a word.

Sabrina folded her hands and looked at her. “I . . . I – If you want, I’ll leave. I can’t ask you to – Not again.” She turned around and walked quickly back into the living room.

Chris, still speechless, jumped up and followed her. “Sabrina, I . . . no . . . by whom?” she finally stammered.

Sabrina sat down on the couch, which she was now using as a bed. “I have no idea,” she answered in a breathy voice, barely audible.

“You have . . . no idea?” Chris swallowed.

Sabrina looked up with a disdainful grunt. “What do you think? That there were so many, I don’t even know who the father might be?”

Chris stared at her, speechless once more.

Sabrina took a deep breath. “Maybe you’re right,” she said. Again, she exhaled forcefully. “Probably,” she added soberly. She stood up. “I can’t expect you to accept this,” she said. “I thought we could – but it’s not going to work.”

“I . . . Sabrina . . .” Chris came toward her and made a gesture as though she wanted to take her into her arms.

Sabrina flinched. “Don’t, Chris,” she said softly. “I can’t.”

“Why not?” Chris remained standing and looked at her in torment. “What happened?”

Sabrina shut her eyes, opened them again, and cast an almost uninterested glance at Chris. “What else?” she answered coolly. “That which results in a baby.”

“But before, you never . . . with men . . .” Chris was in shock.

“Apparently, I changed my mind,” said Sabrina. She sighed again in a gesture of finality. “Let’s not talk about it anymore. This – obviously – has nothing to do with you.”

“Not with Anna, either,” said Chris.

“No, not with Anna, either. I have to deal with it myself.” Sabrina suddenly seemed quite detached. “Neither of you can help me with that.”

“What . . . what do you want to do?” asked Chris. She felt completely derailed.

“Abort it,” Sabrina answered impassively, as though she’d made this decision a long time before. “Anything else is out of the question, really.”

“But . . . but – It was always your greatest wish, to have a child.” Chris sat down on a chair. She didn’t know how Sabrina was managing it, but she herself no longer had the strength to stand.

“With you,” countered Sabrina. “Not –”

“Is that why you did it?” Chris gave her an understanding look. “Because it would’ve been so difficult for us to conceive a child?” She beheld Sabrina inquiringly, but she said nothing, just stood there. “I would understand that,” Chris went on gently. “You don’t have to –”

“I don’t have to be ashamed, is that what you mean?” Sabrina interrupted, her attitude completely snide. “Because I slept with a man – or with several men – in order to achieve that goal? What we’ve wished for, for so long?”

“Sabrina . . .” Chris stood up. She wanted urgently to touch Sabrina now, to take her in her arms, but she knew that that would only make things worse. So she simply stood there. “It’s the simplest way.”

Sabrina gave a hollow laugh. “Yeah, millions of women do it every day, right?”

“Yes,” Chris replied calmly. “Millions of women do it every day. There’s nothing wrong with it.”

Sabrina threw her head back in despair, closed her eyes, and stopped like that for a moment. She looked at Chris again. Then she lowered her head and laid her face in her hands. “But we’re not like those millions of women,” she replied dully.

“But . . . if . . .” Chris swallowed. “If we’d done it, you would still have had to . . . be inseminated,” she managed with some effort.

Sabrina stared at her. “Do you really think that’s the same thing?”

Chris’s head sank. “No,” she said quietly. “It’s not.” She raised her head again and regarded Sabrina’s face with concern. “Don’t start beating up on yourself again,” she said. “Please don’t . . .” She reached a hand out toward Sabrina without touching her. “That doesn’t lead anywhere.”

“Or it leads to horrible things.” Sabrina amended Chris’ comment so absentmindedly, Chris might not even have been there.

“What . . . horrible things?” Chris asked with a gulp.

Sabrina seemed to wake from a dream. “Oh, nothing,” she said. “To an unwanted pregnancy, for example. I didn’t intend to say more than that.”

“Sabrina . . .” Chris took a step toward her, still without touching her. “Since you . . . came back, we’ve never talked. Not really. This, today, is the first time we’ve discussed anything beyond the grocery list. Do you want it to stay that way? Is that your wish? And if it is, why did you come back?”

Sabrina looked at her for a long time. “I don’t know,” she said finally. “I don’t even know how –” She swayed on her feet.

Chris leapt to her side and caught her. Sabrina didn’t push her away this time. She hung in Chris’ arms like a lifeless doll, yet she wasn’t unconscious.

“There’s no point to any of it,” she whispered weakly.

“Yes there is.” Chris let her sink slowly onto the couch. “There is a point. The point of my life is that I love you . . . that I have the privilege of loving you. And before –”

“Before.” Sabrina looked up at her from below. “What came before is over, Chris. It’s never coming back.”

“Never?” Chris looked down at her in agony.

“Never,” Sabrina repeated hopelessly. “Too much has happened.”

“You don’t love me anymore?” Chris asked, her voice hollow.

Sabrina turned her head to the side. “Chris,” she said in a choked whisper. “Oh, my God, Chris, why are you asking me that?”

“Haven’t you asked yourself that often enough already?” Chris countered. “Why else did you leave? Why was there a reason for you to leave?”

“Because I was weak,” Sabrina breathed. “Much too weak to do right by you.”

Chris shook her head. “You’ve always done right by me, and more. Where did you get an idea like that?” She swallowed. “I always felt much more like I couldn’t . . . do right by you . You’re such a . . . wonderful woman. Much too wonderful for me.” And if I’d done right by her, she wouldn’t have needed to go to Anna, she thought. The ultimate proof that I wasn’t good enough for her .

“I know that you . . .” Sabrina turned her head back to face her, “love me,” she said very softly. “But I’m not . . . worthy of that love. And now you see the proof of that.”

“Damn it, Sabsi!” Chris could no longer endure it. Her insides were exploding with despair. “Stop that, for God’s sake!” She leaned over Sabrina, took her by the shoulders, and shook her.

Sabrina froze. She went stiff as a board . . . seemed to withdraw inside herself . . . didn’t defend herself.

Chris let go of her. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, taken aback. She straightened up and ran a hand through her hair. “I didn’t mean to do that. Please forgive me.” She looked at Sabrina, and sat down next to her on the couch without touching her. She considered her closed, faraway face. “We can’t give up,” she said, trying to sound encouraging even though she didn’t much feel that way herself. “Everything was always so easy – ever since we met. So wonderful. Much too easy, perhaps. Now we have to pay the price.” She took a deep breath. “But I think we’ve paid enough. It’s over. We’re even with fate now. Don’t you think?”

It took a while before life came back into Sabrina. If one could even call it that. She stared at the ceiling. “I’m expecting a baby, Chris. How can it be over?” Her voice sounded so distant, as if she weren’t even there. Like the memory of a voice.

“It’s your baby, Sabsi.” Chris couldn’t hold back any longer and caressed Sabrina’s forehead gently. This time, Sabrina didn’t freeze. She just lay there. “A part of you. That, at least, is certain.” Chris stroked Sabrina’s cheek. “A little Sabrina, maybe,” she continued in a tender whisper, “who looks just like you.”

Sabrina’s lips seemed to twitch a little. “I’ve told you a thousand times that I would never, never name her Sabrina,” she replied.

Chris laughed. She laughed so loudly and with such relief, she made her own ears ring. “Yes,” she said warmly. “Yes, you did. I remember.” She gave Sabrina a look charged with the full depth of the love she felt for her. “Welcome home, Sabsi,” she breathed. She had intended to speak normally, but her voice escaped her. “May I say that? Please . . . don’t let me –”

Sabrina raised one hand and placed a finger across her lips. “Not yet,” she answered cautiously. “But thank you for the welcome.”