C2 Glimpse of Grief
Marigrethe’s P.O.V [Preview]
I stayed in his room for a few hours. I'm feeling numb. I'm at a loss for what to do. It was as if my fingers couldn't move because of how weak...and humiliated I felt. So, this is what it's like to be afflicted, right? Oh my God, this is horrifying and terrifying.
That when you're in the midst of excruciating pain and you're already hurting and hurting... and still—-you're hurting so badly that your entire system is practically hugging you in pain, and all you can do is cry silently and be stunned by the absence.
There are no words to describe it. Only my sobs, which I can no longer control, can be heard from my mouth.
I can’t help it.
In my mind, there are numerous whys. I guess I can't even count on my fingers anymore. Many of my questions begin with the agonizing single word 'why?' And the burning question in my mind is;
"Why am I still not?"
"Why am I still not enough?"
I'd been thinking about it for a long time, but it suddenly came to mind again because of the situation I'm in right now. It was like a reminder that you know there is a warning from the start, and even though it's dangerous, I still bite the forbidden entrance admonition.
My system will immediately jolt, and I will become fully aware of that 'thing.'
I gradually come to realize. Gradually, I'm putting together the answers to all the questions that had been circling my head and perplexing me the night before. One of the reasons I don't get enough sleep every night.
Why did we end up like this?
Why did he do that thing?
And why is it so much pain to me of what he did?
Those words screaming in my mind preceded them and reminding me that I was being persecuted and that this was what I should do. This is the right thing to do.
If it is still right?
If I still continuing it and forget that nothing just happened?
Whether if I’ll still stay or not?
Or… If I can leave?
It's as if I just want to vanish like a bubble and just let the wind blow until I can get away and finally just burst suddenly and wish I hadn't existed so I wouldn't feel this way.
“I screwed up by picking this prank, and now my life is messed up!”
I almost just chuckled at my poor self as tears continued to flow down at my cheeks and lay down in his bed. Thinking about shits happening in my life.
‘Why am I so stupid that I even agreed?’ I sighed after what I thought.
I have no regrets about what happened to either of us because I can't deny that I like what happened. I was so caught up in the excitement of my hope that I was completely oblivious to my feelings. I was so enamored with the idea that one day he would pay attention to me, that he would notice me, that I was blinded by it. I consider my children and how they will react. I'm not sure if he'll be happy when I decide to leave.
Finally, he will think that! I'm no longer in this house, and he'll be able to bring the one he truly loves here instead of me. I took a close look around the rest of his room; no matter where I looked, he was always on my mind. I also considered his children. I was hoping for the best, that I wouldn't have to rely on both of us It's extremely difficult for me to accept the truth, and it hurts like hell. How stupid I am, and it hurts me even though I knew from the start that we were heading in this direction.
I don't want to understand because I don't want to.
I don't want to think about it that's why, I'm fooled.
That's why he tricked me.
It was like a shattered plaque that echoed the words he had left earlier in my mind. On the one hand, it hurts because it's true. What he says is correct. Nothing is wrong with what he says. That is why there are examples of how knowing the truth can be harmful. It will be a slap in the face to wake us up to reality and to the illusion.
"Your marriage contract is just a piece of paper. It's a trash. Piece of shit!"
"Poor young lady. What a desperate bitch. The marriage contract is the only important to the two people who love each other. Aren't you stupid enough to know that, right? You don't know how long you've been fooled. It took you a long time." the eyes she was throwing at me glared.
I can see the irritation and anger towards me. When I remembered what the woman Klark loved told me.
I took a deep breath and wiped my tears away. My chest tightened, and I felt out of breath. It was as if I had been punched repeatedly, weakened by the rage of feeling. It appeared as if a river was not tiring and continued to flow without stopping.
“How long are you going to cry, Mari? It's even clearer in the water and sunlight that you're not going to get anything from him. You will not choose him, so put a stop to it! For the sake of the two of you, put your illusions aside. It makes you appear even more foolish! " persuading myself.
I feel like I'm going insane comforting myself because I'm angry with myself. I let myself fall into the quagmire even.
Holding a brown envelope, after a few hours of staring and reading, whether I liked it or not, I would still sign for our annulment. I went ahead of him, even though he hasn't signed yet. Even though my hands were trembling, I tried to sign the paper as if my heart was squeezing and I couldn't breathe properly due to the pain of feeling and holding back tears.
I was free to cry out loud because I was the only one in this house and they weren't all present, but I chose to remain silent. I'm still concerned that someone might hear me. I'm afraid someone will notice my condition now. After signing the paper, I let out a small sob. Proof that I am the one who severed our bond. Proof that I can't afford him anymore.
"How ... how did you do this to me?" I could almost hear the bitterness in my voice, full of grief at the pain he was causing me.
A mouthful of restraint and a whole heart weeping in silence. For me, this has been the worst and hurtful decision in my life.
During these times, all I could feel was sadness, anger, jealousy, and pain. I was completely exhausted! I'm exhausted! This is excessive! He cheated on me way too much, in my opinion! I had no idea you we're deceiving me! You were so fantastic at acting, and you even broadened... rounded my brain! Your words were so flowery and sugarcoated that I thought they were true, but they weren't! Jerk, you're such a liar! This is sufficient.
So, while I was still strong, alone, and they weren't in front of me, I made my decision.
I'm carrying my suitcase out of the room, everything is ready, and I've already removed my belongings, but... I'm still skeptical. I took out a piece of paper and a pen for a moment, he had no idea I was leaving, so I wanted, at least, bid a goodbye in writing before I could reach him and the kids. A few more tears were dripping on the paper, causing the ink to spread, but I ignored them and still continued to write. I sighed deeply as I tightly closed my eyes. I'm unable to stop the tightness in my chest. I don't want to... the excruciating that drives me to flee.
I wiped away my tears, stopped sobbing, and accelerated my movement to the necessary belongings, and I might even catch up with them. Because I can't bring myself to look at him. I can't face the important people I've only known for a short time. I've already signed the annulment form and placed it on the table.
‘Marigrethe, you must be overjoyed because you are now single! You can now go out and meet new people. You are free to do whatever you want. There is nothing to forbid you from doing so, and you will never be able to apologize for your actions. You simply go where you want to go. Don't even consider him. He is happy with others, so you should be happy for yourself, not for him! Keep that in mind.' Reminding my self.
'Feel free! Live! Go on! Do what you want!'
I know I'm not going to come back once I leave and walk out this door. I bowed down and walked straight out, quickly closing the door and not looking back at the house. Despite the fact that my feet were heavy and I didn't want to leave, I did. I never imagined I'd be the one to cut and run the nonsense shit between the two of us.
That I will give up on our pretense as well.
'I will never ask you to be happy because I know you are happy now with her; if there is anyone I will ask for, it is your sons. I hope your kids are doing well. In the short time I have been with you, I have no regrets and I am happy you to become a part of my life somehow.