C19 Chapter 18: Letting Go (2)

Nicole's Point of View :

It's been two months since Alexus and I went back together. Funny isn't it? Well, maybe if we were still the same, yes.

Think about it, it took me another two months before I proved that there wasn't really an us.That I am no longer the woman of his heart. It hurts, yes, but it's my fault. I realized that I was really very selfish.

"Good morning babe." Alexus greeted me with a smile. He just woke up so he was still yawning as he walked closer to me. As he walked closer to me, I gradually got stuck in my position. I got stunned while just looking at him.

He's handsome.

Caring.

—and loving.

He don't deserve me.

He deserves someone better than me.

In short, he deserves her.

He deserves Sofia. The woman of his heart was beating now.

"Good morning," I whispered softly, at the same time my tears were slowly falling.

"What's wrong?" He quickly approached me to wipe away my tears — but I didn't let him touch me. I quickly averted my face from his hand.

"Y-you don't have to do it for me. I can do it with my own." I said softly to him while my tears were still flowing.

"B-babe—"

"Nicole," I corrected him. Suddenly his forehead furrowed, perhaps confused.

"Babe what's the matter—" again, I didn't let him finish speaking.

"I'm the problem Alexus," Finally, I was also able to say what I wanted to say.

"I know it wasn't me anymore, didn't I?" I decided to stop crying, so that I could tell him everything.

"Nicole ..."

"Am I right? It wasn't me anymore, right?" I tried to smile, I tried to smile at him. I did, but my tears were still there. Tears that I couldn’t stop dripping from my eyes.

"I-I'm sorry? Nicole, we've already talked about this, haven't we?" He said still confused.

"Yes, we've already talked about it. But I love you. I love you Alexus, so I can't stand seeing you that you're hurting." I took his hands and gently squeezed them.

"I know you're hurting because you know that the woman you love is hurting. You're hurting because you can't be with her, and that's because of me ... isn't it?"

He did not utter a word. He just let me speak. So I did, I continued my speech.

"I'm so selfish Alexus," I barely laughed at my innocence.

"How could I fool you, when you did nothing but to love me? You gave everything to me, but I was not satisfied."

"I lied to you, I lied to you for almost four years. That's when I found out about you and Sofia — I got angry right? How dare me to got angry when in the first place, it was me who was cheating on you." I laughed again at my bravery.

"Before, I said I do all of this — I mean, I did all of that because I love you. I married William so that I can reach my dreams, I can continue my passion. Yes, I reached my dreams. I was able to become famous internationally because of that — I said we are good because you are rich and I am famous, I already have money, I already have something to be proud of. "

"But, I was wrong. I was wrong. Yes I became famous but I neglected you. Worst is, I cheated on you."

"Until I realized that, I did those things for myself only. I did those for my own sake, so selfish right?"

"When you broke up with me because you found out about my cheating, I didn't agree because I love you so much. Yes, I love you so much — but I'm still thinking about myself. I told myself, you can't leave me because I need you. Because I can be hurt — without thinking that you are hurting more."

"I left. I left to finish what William and I had. Because I hope we'll get along. I left William for you to come back, because I thought I still have you. But again, I was wrong."

"When I came back, I knew it wasn't me anymore. But I still insisted. No, I'm so selfish. I just want me, I still want me even though I know it wasn't me anymore."

"Until one day I just woke up that I wasn't doing it right anymore. I remember Sofia, I tried to put myself in her situation. Do you know what I saw?" I stopped to ask him that, and to get his answer. But he just shook his head so I continued talking.

"I saw the goodness and sincerity of her heart. Something I didn't have and I couldn't give you. So I realized that you both don't deserve to be hurt just because of me." I slowly let go of Alexus's hands. I also slowly moved my body away from him. Each time I retreated, he advanced towards me. But I stopped him.

"No ... don't come near me. It won't be good for you if you keep coming near me — if you still stay with me." I saw the watering of his eyes. Something I can't stand to see. I don't want him to cry.

"I would like to wipe away your tears, but I can't. It's forbidden," I told him with a smile even though my eyes were still watering.

"Alexus, I'm letting you go to her. Wrong, I'm letting you—" I stopped speaking for a moment. Because the words that come out from my mouth are wrong.

"—I'm setting you free. Alexus, I'm freeing you from my selfishness. It's enough that I'm not thinking about you. It's time for me to think about you. It's time for me to give it to you..." His tears kept dripping. Causing for doubling the pain I feel.

"I know you'll be happy with her. I know she'll love you more than I love you. I know she's the one you love. I know you just agreed for us to get back together because you promised me — I know you just chose me but I wasn't the one that you still love."

I stopped speaking after he suddenly hugged me. A tight hug. Because of what he did, I hugged him too — tighter than he hugged me.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry if I can't keep my promises—" I immediately released him then I covered his mouth with my finger.

"No, it's not your fault. You just love Alexus, so it's not your fault. If there's anything at fault between us, it's me and not you." I smiled and told him.

"Thank you for the almost five years relationship. Thank you for everything, mon amour." After I said the words that finally ended our relationship, I was ready to leave. I took only one step and I was stunned because of what he did. He suddenly hugged me from behind. I heard his sob softly as my tears flowed again.

"I had love you. I really had love you Nicole, but I love her now more. Thank you for being the bridge so I can find the woman I love and will continue to love forever. Thank you for making me the best man for her. Thank you for everything, Nicole." I seemed to run out of air for a while. I seemed to be slowly dying from what I heard from him. It's really hard to let go — especially if you really love the person you're going to let go of.

"It's not me who made you better. It's yourself who decided to be better — for her." I said before I finally removed his arms around my waist.

"I have to go. Till we meet again, Alexus."