C1 I Don't Want To

"Fuck!"

That was the last thing that came out of my mouth as I bled out in an alley.

I fucked up this time. I was supposed to be at my job at 8:15 PM and got held up by some douchebag that figured I'd be easy pickings. I may have a small frame, but the old man beat the art of boxing and a whole bunch of other shit I don't wanna get into right now into my thick head.

Anyways, this asshole pulls a knife out and gives me the whole spiel about my money and shit or my life, but I was already counting fingers. See, I got this thing where if I'm in a situation that I don't enjoy, I hold my hand up and ask myself five things about the current problem. If I can't figure out a good enough reason not to do what I plan on doing by the fifth quest, I do it.

"Come on, man, just hand over the wallet or whatever the fuck you have that's valuable, and I won't stick this fucking knife in you. Put your fucking hand down, you scrawny fuck."

The fucking cunt musta been high on something, but he didn't wait, which was fine by me. I punched the wrist holding the knife and used the free hand to punch him in the throat, and I could feel it collapse. The fucker dropped like a sack of garbage and started gasping and choking.

I turned my back, not wanting to step over him, and I never saw it coming. Junkie must have had another knife and somehow slipped it into my back low close to the spine. I could feel the heat and blood, and now the searing pain that was breaking through the shock.

WARNING!

AUTO-SUMMON DEATH TRIGGER EVENT OCCURRING.

'The fuck is this? Where are these words coming from? Fucking bright, can't I just die in peace?'

CHOOSE SUMMONED MAGIC

'Magic? What? Am I going to some nerds basement to play some D&D?'

GROWTH MAGIC-create and control nature and help nurture others

'I'll take a hard pass on the tree-hugger magic. Did I stop bleeding and hurting? Maybe I could just lay around for a bit...'

*Extreme pain, not from knife wound*

'Alright, holy fucking handbasket, you don't play around. What's next? Please make me a fucking wizard, Garry, and don't abuse me anymore!'

'Who's Garry?' - Male voice.

'Who the fuck is that?'

'Gripton.'

'Good for you! Then if you're the chief, what's the game plan here? You just gonna show me a bunch of dumb magic, and I get to pick one?'

'...Yeah...' -Gripton.

'Really? Yeah? What the fuck is that shit? Don't make me scroll through this bullshit. Just pick one for me. I don't want any sissy magic, and also, what the fuck is this all about?'

'A world needs a hero.' -Gripton.

'Don't go giving me that bullshit. What does that mean? Do I go and pick a mother fucker out of the crowd and say you must be the bad guy, so stand still so I can fuck you up?'

'I'm sure you will figure it out.' -Gripton.

'Ooo, I don't like you!'

'That's fine, have a good day then.' -Gripton.

'Wait, annoying voice in my head, what magical shit did you give me?'

'The Magical Hands of Maximus and Negima.' -Gripton.

'Hey! I thought I said no dumb shit?'

'I can take it back if you don't want it.' -Gripton.

'Nah, I'll keep it. What the fuck does it do?'

'You want to keep it but...ugh, Anything your right-hand touches becomes magical, and anything your left-hand contacts lose magical function forever unless you touch it with your right. The effects may vary.' -Gripton.

'Eh? Not bad, but I have no fucking clue what that means, but hey, fuck it. so were we going, boss?'

But then the pain kicked back in, and shit started to get fuzzy and dark. My eyes close as I lay in my puddle of blood. Suddenly, a circle of lights formed around me and started to tear me apart.

I feel something cool and hard behind me, and I open my eyes to see a lot of grass blowing in the wind like I was at a beach with green waves or something. I stood up and turned around, looking to see what cold lump of shit I had woken up next to, but it was a statue. I looked down and noticed a plaque that said some bullshit I couldn't read.

"You know what? Let's try these magic and not so magic hands out!"

I reach forward and touch the statue. Suddenly, the damn thing started moving, and I stepped back, so I didn't get crushed. The thing turned to me and starts speaking in one of those, way too fucking happy tones.

"Oh, great traveler, you must be the new hero! Thank you for free," but I cut the rock face with a quick touch of my left.

Fuck that. I notice there is a forest a little ways away, so I dusted both my dust-covered hands on my pants. The pants started to rustle, but I ignored it when they stopped. Were they just gonna walk off if I didn't watch them?

The thought made me chuckle as I started to jog to the trees. I stopped partway, seeing rock, and I walked over to pick it up. Chuckling, I tossed the rock back and forth between my hands.

The rock turned green and glowed on the first toss, then was a normal stone in my other hand. Then the stone didn't change, but the idea of floating away didn't sound like a good time. The next magic caused it to turn to water and slip out of my hand, but back to rock just before it touched the ground.

"The fuck is this?"

I tried to touch it with my right, but it just turned to water when my hand got close, and then the water moved away from my hand if I tried to chase it. The same thing happened with my left, so that got me thinking. If I did that to a person, and I let my mind drift to people exploding or turning into dust and getting blown away.

Maybe, if it was that bad fucker that Garry had told me about, it would be ok.

'Gripton'

'Ha! You are still here!'

'I'm not supposed to talk to you anymore.' -Gripton.

'That's what most daughters say to me after their parents meet me, but I thought we had a connection, boss?'

'Well, I guess I won't be the worst if I stick around. You do seem like you're going to get in a lot of trouble if left alone...' -Gripton.

'See? That's the spirit, I'm a delinquent with the power to do who the fuck knows what! Best to give me a little guidance and a boost every now and then, I ya know what I mean, boss?'

'Ugh, what have I signed up for? I was just supposed to be the mediator, and it was supposed to be a one-time thing! How can I go back to the mountain springs?' -Gripton.

'Oh? Is my teacher a pervert? Don't worry, and I'll give you lots to stare at! Not that I need ladies, but I can make them drool for me!'

'Oh? Is my summoned little hero a virgin?' -Gripton.

'WHAT DID YOU SAY?!'

'Am I lying?' -Gripton.

'Shut the fuck up, so what?'

'Well, you tend to be showy, so I thought it was a good time to put you in your place. Nobody will think it's cool to brag about things you haven't done. Cool is quiet.' -Gripton.

'You're gonna give me lessons on cool?'

'No, I will try to stop you from making an idiot of yourself in front of others and how to properly use your hands.' -Gripton.

'Really? Gonna teach me that finger banging shit then?'

'This is exactly what I mean, see if...' -Gripton.

I ignored the windbag as I finally reached the forest, but his voice cut in louder inside my head this time.

'I'm giving you a pair of gloves, so you don't start fucking everything up. Remember, the left is just as dangerous as the right in this world. Some creatures and beings survive on magic, so if you remove it, well, I'm sure you get the idea.' -Gripton.

A pair of white-glove fell, and I let them hit the ground, moving my hands out of the way.

'No'

'What do you mean, no?' -Gripton.

'I'm not Mickey Mouse or Michael Jackson'

'This also isn't Earth' -Gripton.

'No Dorthey, I am not putting those on!'

'THAT'S NOT MY NAME!' -Gripton.

'Take a chill pill, fuck, calm down.'

'Fine! Take these instead.' -Gripton.

Black gloves with red lines fell, and I grabbed them and looked at them.

'Hey! Not too bad, now I'll look like some badass!'

*Sigh* -Gripton.

Then a scream came from the forest not too far away.

'Did you hear that?'

'I'm literally having tea inside your head right now. Of course, I heard that if you did! What's the plan? '-Gripton.

I put the left glove on and put the other in my pocket. I bent over and picked up a fist-sized rock. I stood and ran at the sound.

'Plan?'