C9 Hitting a wall

***POV - Damion

Over the years, I truly tried to keep my distance from her, struggling to keep control when she’s around. I really did … and mostly succeeded. But once, after putting pink roses on the steps of the haunted house, I let my emotions numb my mind and I dragged her with me to sneak into the zoo. Everything felt so right, it was just amazing – one of the best times on the worst day of my life. I felt so brave … strong enough to face anything.

But after I dropped her off, the shadows appeared from their hiding spots … I got scared shitless – frightened of the control she had over me; like a fucking voodoo doll. I realized that if she stuck a needle in the doll’s heart, I’ll never recover. Not to mention that I’ll have to break my rules, the only thing that keeps me in line, the only thing that keeps me from falling down the dark hole. So, being the dick I am, I made sure that she saw the brunette on my bike the next day. I got back control, but the hurt in her eyes would become another demon in the darkness of my mind. Another guilt-driven burden to place on the ever-growing heap, and I promised myself never to go near her again.

I managed to keep my promise and kept my distance until I won my first MotoGP championship, and all I could think of was celebrating it with her. In a moment of weakness, I went to her school and forced her to go with me. Again, we had the best day ever at the Boardwalk, and this time I was not going to back down … I was going to tell her how I feel.

But when I dropped her off, Jackson was there. He managed to hit some sense into me. Mel was an angel. I couldn’t let my demons suck the innocence from her, corrupt her, destroy her; so for a second time, I scared her heart and gained another guilty demon.

I started seriously screwing around, to rip her from under my skin. Fucking any brunette I could lay my hands on – never a blonde like her. But like magic … each girl I fucked only seemed to expand the spell she has over me; to increase the longing for her.

So, at the start of the season, I realized that it just might be impossible to get Melaena Blackburn out of my blood. Out of my mind. Out of my dreams. And out of my heart. So I stopped. I stopped fucking around. It is undoubtedly one of the most difficult things I’ve done, but I’m trying to find myself … trying to find what I really want.

I can tell you, getting off by hand while thinking about her is not my first choice … but at the moment it is my only alternative. Not to mention that my arm muscles have increased. I swear love without sex is still the most efficient form of hell known to men - that’s just my humble opinion … after being celibate for almost a year now. But it’s necessary … I need to carefully plan my options further … there can be no mistakes. I can’t bear hurting her again, so I must be sure … fully committed.

And after tonight, I know I need to change the situation drastically, or else I’m going to explode – or at least my balls will. I walk back inside and fall on the bed, running the past few hours through my mind.

Almost immediately, I recognized the light hair and I gasped a few times to get the air back in my lungs. Shit, she was even prettier than I remembered. My eyes moved over her petite body dressed in a short patterned dress and denim jacket. The dress accentuated her perfect round breasts. Damn, she looked so gorgeous and I seriously needed to talk my cock down before it got any embarrassing ideas. Her eyes locked on mine, making my little man want to do the hula. Not being with a girl since forever didn’t help either.

But seeing her with another guy, his arms around her, his mouth in her neck, snapped something in me and I wanted to hit something or someone, especially him. The need to kill the guy, rip his throat out, and squash his head was almost overwhelming. It took everything inside me to walk away. I have no right to be, but I was instantly jealous, wishing it was my arms around her instead. And jealousy was a whole new concept for me. Yeh, I may have threatened and even smashed any guy in school that dared to look at her wrong, but it was necessary.

Maybe it wasn’t a very civilized thing to do, but I just couldn’t stand thinking about someone else touching her, and I never cared what the fuck anybody thought about me, and still don’t. I convinced myself that the reason for acting like a pussy-whipped asshole was that I just wanted to protect her from all the other assholes in the world, guys like me. But it wasn’t as selfless as that. No, I just wanted to keep her for myself.

Thinking about how she felt in my arms at the pool table, the look on her face, her lips so close to mine. I could feel those perky breasts against my chest and everything felt so right as if it's where we were both meant to be. I was going to tell her what she’s doing to me, I was eventually going to say the words I wanted to say for such a long time, and then I was going to kiss her and everything was going to be … fuck.

What was I thinking? Clearly, I wasn’t thinking at all, she’s poisonous, deadly like a fucking rattle-snake. Fucking voodoo magic. Just thinking about her body blows me into a full erection and an iron grip forms around my heart. Something’s got to give, I can’t go on like this. I need control back cause I’m losing it. I get up and hit the wall letting small pieces of plaster shoot out like shrapnel. Hitting stuff is something I got extremely used to since I stopped screwing around.

Guess I’m trying to replace one method of coping with another. I walk to the bathroom in serious need of a very cold shower. The freezing water runs over me while I lean my head against the tiles, trying not to think anymore. I wrap a towel around my body and walk back into the room.

Dad stands on the balcony, leaning on the railing. When did he get here? More importantly, why is he here? I pull on a tracksuit and join him, putting my hands on the barrier.

“Something wrong with the hand?” He asks, looking intentively at my face, and I try to keep any emotion out of my eyes. Dad is way too perceptive for his own good.

“Just collided with the wall.”

“Just wish the walls could repair themselves. Must I send the repairman again in the morning?” He smiles as he pulls up his eyebrows.

“Ye, ye, so I’ve damaged a few walls in my time, okay.”

“It’s a miracle you can still pull the brake with that hand. Damion, you know I love you and I want you to be happy, right?” Oh boy, this is going to be one of those deep emotional discussions. The ones I hate more than losing a race.

“Yes, I know dad. But ..”

“You’re still into this Melaena girl, and don’t try to deny it. I saw how you looked at her, I’m not blind.” He interrupts me. My jaw drops, but I know I can’t hide anything from my father, so I won’t even try.

“I don’t know what it is about her, she just drives me insane. Always has. But she also makes me lose control and I hate it.” He looks back at my bruised hand.

“Yep, I can see that! But getting into 2 fights at the party, was that really necessary?” I give him a stupid smile, feeling like such a fool. How does everybody always know exactly what’s happening in my life? For fuck’s sake, I can’t seem to pee without someone knowing if I’ve missed the damn urinal or not.

“It was necessary, both are dicks.”

“Damion, maybe it’s time to choose, keep on fucking around and hitting walls to stay in control, or take a leap of faith and follow your heart, even if it means losing control. But between you and me – control is overrated.”

“Dad, I’m bad when I lose control. I’m not a good guy and she deserves more.”

“I think you’re pretty darn decent. Definitely in the top 5 in my books, just after Batman.” I smile at my father. He always knows just what to say, but I’m not sure if I believe him. I’m no saint, that’s for sure. I’m a sinner … you can even say I’m a killer.

“Son, I’ve never told you this in the past, but I think you should know. I saw Mel at the hospital when she got shot by an arrow. I saw her wearing your team jacket and I knew she was special. I mean, you wouldn’t give away the most important thing in your life just to anybody. That’s why I’ve sent you to the same school as Logan, hoping that you will find her again. Maybe I should have done it sooner, but with everything that happened, I wanted you to have time to heal, to trust yourself again so you could be ready for love.” I feel a little dumbstruck by the information. I almost forgot about the jacket. And all this time, my father planned our reunion.

“So you are the fucking universe then?” He laughs and shakes his head.

“Just make sure it’s what you want or else you could end up ruining her life. Mel is not just some random girl. First, try and find out what is she to you?” He squeezes my shoulder and walks out of the room, leaving me to think about his question alone. I gaze into the darkness over the ocean. The water shimmers in the moonlight and you can make out the white foam of the waves.

Wondering what my obsession with Mel is really about. Is she just a sexual fantasy that will lose its appeal as soon as I fuck her, or is there something more to this, something deeper? Why would a small boy become so obsessed with a girl with blonde pigtails and bewitching eyes? Must be some Harry Potter shit. All I know is that I’ve never felt like this about anyone. And hell, I’ve been feeling this way since I was only 12 and it hasn’t stopped. So it must be real then. Or maybe it’s just a spell, a fantasy.

I don’t know how long I’ll maintain the self-control to not chase her. And if I start, I won’t be able to stop until I cross the finish line. But maybe dad is right, it’s time to start the most important race of my life, one I have to win at all costs. And if she wakes up from her drunken sleep, she’s going to be super mad at me. I might have punched her dustbag of a boyfriend, leaving him with a broken nose. To my defense, he started it, so I just hit him back … once. But I don’t think Mel is going to care about the truth.