C15 Chapter 15
”One gets to keep living.”
”Surviving is not living.”
Brenn smiled despite himself. ”You really are old and full of wisdom, aren't you?”
Ilisso took another drink. ”If you won't do this for yourself, do it for me. Do it for Ana. For your mother.”
Brenn drained his tea and stared into his lap. ”I got a letter from her about a month ago when we were in Bespenga. I didn't tell anyone.”
”What did she say?”
”Are you crazy?” Brenn made a sharp chuckle. ”I haven't read it.”
”Brenn...”
”What?”
”Please read that letter. I know that you know that your poor mother has been through more than any woman should have to bear. You're all she has left, Brenn.”
”I know.”
”Then why put her through this?”
”Because this isn't about her!”
Ilisso leaned back at Brenn's voice and finished his tea. Neither spoke for some time. Brenn poured more tea, and it was not until his second cup was empty that Ilisso spoke in a soft voice.
”I've only got weeks left.”
Brenn paused with his cup at his mouth. ”What does that mean?”
”I told you I had a year or more, but I lied. I'll be dead before the month is out.”
”Says who?”
”Every doctor within a hundred miles of here.”
”Odlik's fire, Ilisso. What are you going to do? I mean...I don't know what to say. Can I do anything?”
Ilisso looked up and stared at Brenn as if he weren't almost blind. ”You can go home and be who you're meant to be.”
”Dammit, old man, you don't give up, do you? So which is it? Go home or go to war?”
”Whichever makes you happy, I guess.”
”Both options make me sick to think about.”
”And what would make you happy?”
”Being free,” Brenn said. ”Traveling. Learning languages and meeting people who were raised in a different culture than my own.”
”I wish you'd admit that you're miserable.”
”Is this really how we're going to go out?” Brenn asked. ”Is this how you want me to remember you?”
”I don't give a damn if you remember me at all. I'm trying to help you, Brenn.”
Brenn looked down at his empty cup with bits of tea leaves settled at the bottom. ”It's getting late. Keren might be worried.”
”You should get back, then.”
”I'll come and say good—...to visit again before I leave. Wherever I go, I know I can't stay here.”
”When do you ship out?” Ilisso asked.
”I don't know. I'd imagine not for a few days or weeks, even. He hasn't even officially declared war yet.”
”All right, Brenn. Thanks for the tea.”
”And thanks for the advice. I'll...see you later.”
Wu was outside Ilisso's house when Brenn came out. ”Nothing personal,” the captain said. ”Just orders.”
”Whatever,” Brenn said. ”...Captain.”
They returned to the carriage, and the driver took them to the inn.
”So when do we ship out?” Brenn asked.
”Day after tomorrow,” said Wu.
”What? How is it so soon?”
”Not my place to say. Though, from a military standpoint, perhaps we don't want word to get to Sawelas before we get there. Element of surprise.”
”Great, so we'll catch them totally unprepared and defenseless.”
”You know,” said Wu, ”for the son of a great war hero, you don't sound that interested in fighting.”
”The only reason my father was great at what he did was that he never fought when he didn't have to.”
”It doesn't matter, anyway.” Wu took a peek through the curtain and sat back against the seat. ”It isn't our place to speak out against the chancellor's decisions.”
”He's not a king. His word isn't law.”
Wu smiled. ”If you say so.”
Someone outside prayed in Kalaea. Brenn tried to listen, but the voice was garbled as if there was water in the person's throat.
”So I'm a knight,” Brenn said. ”What does that mean, exactly?”
”Not much. You'll have to go through basic training like the rest of us, and after that, you won't have much authority over anyone but the greenies.”
”I don't want authority.”
”You know,” said Wu, ”most of what you say has to do with your own opinion.”
Brenn said nothing more to the captain, and soon they were at the inn. Wu told Brenn that if it was not him waiting outside, then it would be another soldier, and to come to whoever it is if he needed anything and that he would be there to pick Brenn up the day after tomorrow. Brenn said nothing in return and entered the empty inn. Nest was behind the counter, rubbing it with polish.
”Brenn,” he said, looking up. He threw the stained rag to the side where it landed on the floor behind the counter. ”I'm so sorry, I did all I could. Are you all right? What did they want with you?”
”I'm fine. Is Keren okay?”
”She came down a while ago and asked where you were. I told her you'd be right back. I don't enjoy feeling like I'm lying.”
”I appreciate your help anyway. Is it dinnertime yet?”
”Just about. I'm about to make some stew. I'll let you know when it's ready.”
Brenn climbed the stairs into the room. Karen lay on the bed, her eyes open and bloodshot.
”Sorry about that,” Brenn said.
She breathed. ”Don't leave me like that. You have to at least tell me first. You were gone for a really long time. What am I supposed to do without you?”
Brenn sat on the bed, and Keren sat up and moved aside to lean her head against the wall behind the bed.
”Where did you go?” she asked.
He took a deep breath, swallowed, and licked his dry lips before saying, ”Soldiers took me to the Red Palace. I met the chancellor.”
”You're joking.”
”I wish I was. He's a bastard.”
”What did he want with you? And how did he even know you were here?”
”Apparently, I save his cousin at the colosseum. They wanted to meet me and thank me.”
”Oh.” Keren brought her knees up to her chin and wrapped her arms around her legs. ”Well, at least it wasn't anything bad. You didn't give them your real name, did you?”
Brenn frowned and looked away. ”Keren...I have to leave.”
”Okay. Where are we going? What's the plan on getting past the gate without blowing your identity and my religion?”
Brenn shook his head. ”Zhen knighted me. The fact that I was there to be thanked for being a hero distracted me, and I didn't think of using a fake name. So now I'm a knight of the commonwealth, and I'm being forced to go to war in Sawelas. He'll send me home otherwise. Keren—”
She slapped him, hard. He drew back with a hand on his cheek and felt tears sting his eyes. Keren's own tears fell freely.
”How could you?” she screamed. ”You son of a bitch, you damn stupid idiot! What are we supposed to do, huh?”
Brenn rubbed his face and his wet eyes. ”I don't have a choice! Don't be—”
”You do have a choice! And I can't believe that you would rather abandon me and go fight in a stupid war for a country you don't even belong to instead of facing your past and just going home to the people who love you and want you back! Are you really that selfish? Answer me!”
”Keren, I can't go back until—”
”He's dead, Brenn! Everyone knows it. Why can't you accept it? Why can't you let him rest? Why can't you rest? My God, Brenn, let your mother rest—you horrible, horrible son. So now what? When do you leave?”
He squeaked out, ”Day after tomorrow.”
”Holy mother of Tarlos. What am I supposed to do?”
”We'll find you a way home.”
”You want me to travel all the way to Lesh Kalae without you? By myself? After everything I've—” She stopped herself and took in a shaking breath. Tears fell from her face and dropped onto the bed. She held her head in her hands and gripped at her wild hair. ”God, Brenn, what have you done?”
”I'm sorry.”
”That doesn't fix anything, does it?”
”What more can I say?”
”There's plenty that you could say and do, but you won't, and only God knows why.”
”I'm sure we can find a caravan or something. Just don't wear your hat and they'll have no idea. You won't have to travel alone.”
Keren lay down and rolled to her side, facing away from him and folded into a fetal position. ”And Denzin?”
”I took care of it. We'll bury him tomorrow.”
She said nothing. Brenn waited a few minutes for her to say something, anything, and when it was apparent that she was done with this conversation, he gave up and retreated downstairs.
”Almost ready,” said Nest, stirring a pot over the fire.
Brenn continued outside and found the military carriage parked on the other side of the street. Wu sat in it with the curtains open, reading a book, but saw Brenn and closed it, keeping a finger in his place.
”Need something?” he asked.
”What are you reading?”
”Oh, nothing. Just an old book I had to read in school years ago. It's in Lajic.”
”You studied Lajic?” Brenn asked.
Wu nodded. ”Umonem pintas laconijec.”
Brenn smiled and said, ”Sartem lumenas munec.”
