C2 Capable Men Don't Exist

The whole encounter with Madam Rose replayed in my mind whilst walking home. Was I happy about the whole job thing? No, I wasn't— or maybe I wasn't just sure how I felt. Was it reasonable or even possible for a maid to be paid that amount in a month? The world's level of generosity wasn't that high yet and it would never be. Come to think of it, Madam Roses' maid didn't look a tad bit like one— skin glowing, hair expertly packed, nails smooth and glittering, shirt and trousers well ironed and I must say looked expensive; those didn't portray the typical features of an ordinary housemaid. Maybe they were paying her the same amount I was offered— maybe they were really generous after all.

"Boom!"

"Holy Mary mother of sweet Jesus!" I screamed and stumbled onto the door grabbing my chest as tight as I could. I almost jumped out of my skin. Calming my scared heart that was pounding angrily against my rib cage, I glared at the devil that was laughing at me like a hyena.

"Were you planning to kill me? I was scared out of my skin you moron!" I seethed which only made her guffaw

"Estherrrrrrrr!"

"Oh...Sorry," she said quickly composing herself while struggling to contain her laughter. "But you should have seen your face". It was only a matter of nanoseconds before she exploded into another fit of laughter.

How is this devil's incarnate my sister?

'I am going to kill you,' I growled which may have or may have not sounded like a wounded dog's wail but at least I tried.

Folding my arms around my chest, I stared at her quietly and waited for her to end her episode of stupidity.

"Wait, let's leave the killing for a more appropriate time. Why aren't you in school?" I questioned.

"Isn't it obvious?"

"Isn't what obvious?"

She shrugged. "I'm not in school because I didn't feel like going to school today."

Is she serious right now?

"You are not supposed to be skipping school young lady," I said pointing at her.

"I know but the school can be tiring sometimes," she groaned.

"Or maybe you're just too lazy to do anything regarding school?"

Her lips formed into a mischievous smile. "You're right. I am lazy. But no one takes school seriously anymore these days so just chill sis"

I just stared at my mouth wide open.

"So how was your interview?" she asked dipping her hand into the back pocket of her trousers to retrieve her phone.

"Well," I started, dropping my bag on the nearest couch. 'I didn't get the.....' I trailed off when my eyes went to a small object that dropped from her pocket as she pulled out her phone.

Is that......?

No, it couldn't be

She couldn't

She wouldn't dare

I moved closer to the object and picked it up while Esther was so focused on the phone in her hands that she was oblivious to what I was doing.

Oh it is what I think it is

"Dear Esther, what pray tell, is this eh?" I asked raising the object to her face.

Her eyes widened to the point where I feared they were going to fall from their sockets. She then gave me a nervous smile.

I could only imagine her brain cells whirling around in that little head of hers to form any kind of lie that would keep her out of the trouble she was about to face.

"You know....... I don't...... It's just..... I was...... I can't..... What were you talking about again?" she asked feigning innocence and fluttering her eyelashes at me.

"Have you started doing what I wouldn't do?" I questioned again.

She let out a nervous laugh giving me a dismissive wave.

"Me.... What..... No.... What.... No way...." she blabbered which only meant one thing: she was guilty as charged.

I glared at her and that was when she knew she needed to run for her life. Without hesitation, she bolted towards her room while I charged at her. Unfortunately for her, she wasn't quick enough to lock her door. I forcefully threw the door open and grabbed her.

Both of us crashed to the floor, I sat on her back and pulled her hair, causing her to scream and thrash around.

"So you've started having sex huh?"

"N.... No!"

"Care to explain how a condom got inside your pocket then?"

Not able to provide any verbal response, she began crawling away from beneath me towards her bed. I grabbed her ankles and dragged her away from the bed towards her wardrobe. Being the overly dramatic one, she released an ear-deafening scream which I should protect my ears against but nah, I was used to her drama and screams.

Hard knocks came on the door interrupting our sisterly moment and I turned to glare at the intruder.

"Hi. Sorry for interrupting your bounding moment, I just wanted to make my presence known. You can continue with whatever you're doing and I'll just be in the parlour." He closed the door gently and walked away. Ignoring the unwanted intruder, I turned back to my prey and was about to resume my attack when I was shoved to the floor by a screaming Esther

So she took advantage of the distraction eh?

Not sparing me a second to compose myself, she darted out of the room calling David.

"Daviiiiiiiid," she screamed as she ran to the parlour. "Please save me from the monster that called herself our sister," she said hiding behind Dave and using him as a shield. I glared at Dave who quickly threw his hands up in surrender and stepped away from her.

She scoffed. "Really David?"

Dave raised an eyebrow in confusion at her.

She rolled her eyes at him. "You're supposed to be the hero who protects me from her?"

"And what exactly did you do this time that makes her want to murder you?" he inquired.

"Well, you see....about that... I don't... I can't," she started blabbering again.

"I found a condom on her," I informed Dave, my eyes never leaving Esther.

Dave stiffened for a moment then burst into laughter causing Esther and I to stare at him in the utmost confusion.

"What's funny?" I asked

"I've always known Esther was something else but Lord, I wasn't expecting this from her so soon," he said snickering.

"Guys, did you ever stop to think maybe the condom isn't mine? What if it belongs to a friend?"

"Oh I'm quite certain it's yours"

"You don't trust me at all. I'm disappointed," Esther dramatically said.

I rolled my eyes at her. "Oh please. We all know how terrible you can be".

She scoffed, not willing to give me a reply. She crossed her legs and joined Dave in doing what they both do best— typing away on their phones. I rarely used mine. To me, it was just to receive calls, and text messages and read the news I found worth reading.

We hardly communicated as we used to all because of these devices and I loathed it. I always made sure to get us to talk every chance I got and it was disheartening they'd rather spend most of their time on their phones.

And Dave, he was becoming too distant. He hardly talked anymore always claiming to be too tired or busy but never too tired or busy for his phone. He didn't even ask about my interview since he got back. And they said I was cold-hearted when I had no one to talk to anymore.

Soft giggling brought me out of my thoughts and I looked at the culprit. Smiling widely and fastly typing on her phone was Esther. Bet she was chatting with some of her bubbly friends again or maybe her bubbly boyfriend. Considering Esther's bubbly personality, I assumed everyone around her would have a similar one except Dave and me though. We were more on the introverted side. Regardless, I still enjoyed talking to my family and some other chosen ones.

I grew tired of sitting there like I stopped existing. It was almost like sitting with mum in her church meetings when she was alive. I was always three seconds to losing my shit and pulling my hair out at those meetings. I was just about to leave the morons in the parlour when Esther decided to notice my presence.

"I've been meaning to ask. When are you ever going to get yourself a man Daphne? Albeit, I pity any man that would fall in love with you but you should have at least gotten someone by now," Esther said. "And someone wealthy too. You know something similar to those popular romance novels".

Really? That's what you decided to say of all things? I take back whatever I said about communicating verbally.

She dropped her phone and turned fully to look at me waiting for an answer.

"No, I do not have a boyfriend and neither do I plan on getting one. The shits you read in your stupid novels don't exist. They're just fiction baby; the pure imaginations of the writers. No millionaire or billionaire is ever going to fall in love with a poor girl and become possessive of her," I paused. "Come to think of it, I've never met a young, sexy, 6ft tall, handsome and hot billionaire. The ones I've met were either old, too short, bald, fat and potbellied or old, tall, bald and skinny....too skinny with all their skeletal frames visible to the naked eyes. And the handsome ones are either too broke or malnourished to even discover their beauty," I explained and honestly, I had never seen any billionaire like the ones from the novels. They just didn't exist.

"You've never even given any man a chance".

"What are you, my mother?" I retorted.

"Well, given the fact that the chances of you murdering any potential suitor are incredibly high, I reckoned no man would want to put his life in jeopardy," Dave piped in suddenly becoming interested in the conversation.

"You guys talk like I'm really bad. I can get a man if I want to".

Esther scoffed. "Yeah right. I doubt any man would be able to handle your cold-hearted arse".

I frowned. "Watch your mouth young lady. I deserve some respect from you".

"I was just kidding. But honestly, I doubt if any man would be able to handle you and if there is, then he just doesn't exist yet".

"What do I need a man for anyway? I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself".

"No, you're not. There are so many things a man could do for you," she argued.

"Like what? Wash my underwear? I can reconsider if he'd do that".

She rolled her eyes. "No D. No man will wash your underwear. You're capable of doing that yourself".

"That proves it then. Capable men don't exist".

"Why will a man wash your underwear to prove he's capable?".

"Because men are scared of washing that shit. They touch it but can't wash it".

Esther stared at me with her mouth wide open. "That is just ridiculous. You're making no sense at all".

I shrugged not bothering to give her a reply and it appeared she had more to say but before she could say another word Dave got up abruptly and leapt out of the parlour, only for him to reappear seconds later.

"I have a request," he said glancing between Esther and me. Crossing my arms around my chest and raising an eyebrow at him; he continued.

"Can you two please stop talking about underwear in my presence and not whilst making our meals either? I already have some unpleasant and sinful images whirling around in my head and I don't want to add to them".

Not waiting for our replies, he disappeared into the flat. With my eyes still fixed on where Dave stood seconds ago, I cocked my head towards Esther and whispered.

"Do you think he prefers specimens like himself? I've never seen him with the opposite one".

Before Esther could reply, a grunted voice came from inside.

"I heard that!"

Esther chuckled shaking her head. She pushed herself up with her hands and moseyed to the kitchen with me following behind. I jumped on the kitchen counter swinging my legs back and forth whilst Esther busied herself with the cooker. Yeah, she was cooking supper.

Seconds later sudden soft and gentle padding of feet was heard; which then became hard and rushed. I look towards the kitchen entrance and a head popped into my view.

"I am not gay and just so you know, I love my women caramel-skinned and fleshy." And the head disappeared to wherever it came from

~~~

Munching

Tearing

Slurping

Gulping

Esther and I stared at Dave as he ate his supper like a hungry caveman starved for weeks. Particles of the food escape from either side of his mouth and drop back into his plate whilst he continued scooping whatever was in his plate back into his mouth.

"My condolences to whoever is going to marry this pig". I shook my head at Dave and started eating my supper that was fast getting cold. Esther only gave him a disgusting look and started eating her own too. We ate in perfect silence except for Dave's munching and slurping breaking it.

Esther had cooked Dave's favourite: Jollof rice enriched with veggies and chicken. Immediately after the food was done, Esther set the table whilst I went to get Dave. We patiently waited for Dave who was as always taking forever in the bathroom to join us before we started eating. Only for him to join us and entertain us with his unique eating manner.

"By the way, How was your interview today?" Dave asked taking a quick rest from his vigorous eating.

"Bad"

Earning questioning eyebrows from the two of them. I continued.

"On getting there, the caregiver said she didn't need my services anymore. I can not believe all my preparation for the interview went to waste. I even dressed professionally for the first time in years just to impress her but she wouldn't even meet me. I know some rich people are rude but hers was on a different level".

Dave laughed. "Yeah, I witnessed your struggles with the application of those colours on your face and packing your hair the right way this morning".

"But you know, I got something better".

"Really? What was it?" Dave asked with a mouth full of rice

"A job of a maid with a pay of seven thousand pounds in a month," I happily informed them.

"What?!!!" they asked in unison.

I went on to narrate how my day went to them and whilst Esther was shrieking with happiness, the expression on Dave was undiscernible

"Who did you just say you'd be working for?" Dave asked.

Without looking at him. "Madam Rose"

A clanking sound made me look up from my food towards the source of the sound. Dave had stopped eating dropping his spoon suddenly. His fists were clenching and unclenching, jaws tightened, face hardened and the icy glares he was sending to no one, in particular, seemed to be able to freeze the deepest part of hell. His usual naughty yet calm demeanour was replaced with the one I had never seen before and it scared me to no end. He suddenly pushed his chair back causing it to make a screeching noise and stormed out of the dining room to a destination not known to us. I glanced at Esther who appeared to be equally petrified as I was.