C7 My Reflection has a name

Darkness. Was the only thing that I’ve been able to see.

“Where am I?” I asked myself. Silence, quite obvious since I’m alone and in pitch black darkness.

“You’re not alone dear child.” Said a voice.

“How would you know? I don’t understand why you guys are showing me images of a child that you say was me. Why are you trying to do it for me?“

“That will be brought up one day, but right now, in this very moment you have us and we’ll be here till time stops and stands still. Don’t forget who you are.” Said the voice then everything became quiet again.

Opening my eyes, I’m alone in my room. Getting up and walking into the bathroom I turned on the light and all I saw was blood on the mirror.

“Oh my god!” I said in distress. Then after blinking my eyes a bit, all there was in the mirror was my reflection. Thank you goddess. But there was something that I needed to know, closing my eyes and thinking to myself. “Who am I goddess?” For the first few minutes it was silent, but then I heard a voice.

“You are you. That’s all I can say, goodnight Mary.” Said the voice. Standing in front of the bathroom mirror, I sigh in irritation.

“My name can’t be neither Mary nor Michael. What is it?” I asked myself then left and went back to my room and jumped back into bed and went back to sleep. If the gods and goddesses won’t tell me, then what do I have to do? sell my soul?

Waking up, it was still dark out. 5:45 AM and all I feel is anger. I feel the gods are trying to be inconsiderate to me. As I laid in my futon I heard Grandma making coffee in the kitchen. I get up and out of my room to get myself a cup of coffee, maybe that’ll calm me down and help get rid of the irritation in my mind.

“Hey Nana.” I said as I walked into the kitchen. I smell the chocolate raspberry coffee immediately. If this was a woman, I’d totally get some. I laugh a bit and I can feel the irritated feelings going away.

“Did you get good sleep?” I asked. Nana shook her head. The bills are really killing her, plus the beer and cigarettes that she’s forced to buy for Mom and Eve. It pisses me off that they do this. Even Cam is sick of it. I wish I could escape this world of hell. Why do I bother even staying here?

“Bill Mary, I can’t stop thinking about my problems. Nothing goes right for me.” Nana explained. I just look at her and nod.

“I know how you feel. I wish Mom and Eve would just stop this bullshit.” I said quietly. Knowing this, I keep my very sensitive thoughts to myself. It’s better than fighting is all I can say. Looking at the coffee, it’s finally done. Grabbing a cup, I fill it up and put creamer in it, I start to drink.

“I love this coffee.” I say as I sit in front of the T.V with Nana as we watch the news. Nothing good happens in this world, but hey why not? if good things happened in this world then it’s just gonna be fake. Because good things in this world are fake ninety-nine percent of the time here. Pain and hatred never seem to go away, like heavy bloodstains on a white shirt. Once it’s there, it never leaves.

“Mary Angelica.” Said Nana. “Ahh fuck!” I scream in my head.

“Nana, you know I hate my middle name.” I say groaning. All Nana did was smile.

“It’s a beautiful name for you Mary, you’ll always be my Mary Angelica. Don’t forget it.”

********

As I sit in the kitchen with Nana, I decide to go outside for some fresh air since I’m ready for the third cup of coffee.

“I’m going out for a short while, I’ll see you later Nana.” I said then got outside and sat on a nearby chair to look up at the sky.

The stars shot out peace to me. I love the universe, I just wish the universe can fix the problems here on earth.

“That sure ain’t gonna happen.” I said to myself as I chuckled over my inner thoughts. Then a ray of light came from the star filled sky.

“Dear child, I wish I was here to give you a smile to wear all the time. Why did I leave you when I knew you were in danger? I feel so much shame.” The voice said in sorrow.

“Who are you? let me see your face.” I called out as I then put my coffee down and stood up and followed the ray of light as it started moving away from me.

“I am not supposed to tell you my dear. Even though I want you to know the truth. Destiny can be so cruel at times.” The voice said as she sounded like they were about to cry.

“I just need to know why my life is changing. Please tell me something, anything!” I pleaded for the voice to say something that can help me know more about myself.

“I can’t, please understand.” Answered the voice then the light went away. Standing there with no answers, just silence and disappointment.

“I was this close to getting answers. I had hope and now there’s nothing but heartache.” Giving a sigh, I walked back to the chair and picked up my cup of coffee.

“Until the heavens help me get the answers that I need, I’m just going to give up and let this go onto the back burner. My life now, in this century, needs me to focus and I’m going to live through it.” I say to myself then standing up, I go back inside the house and finish off the coffee.

Walking back into the kitchen and closing the back door, Nana wasn’t in and the TV wasn’t on. I turned the TV back on, sat down and went back to relaxing and watching what the weather’s going to be like for this week.

Sunlight hits the kitchen window and I’m still up.

“I see you’re still up.” Said Nana, who was walking into the kitchen and sitting down next to me.

“I just have so much crap on my mind so I decided to watch the news to let it leave my mind. Sometimes I feel the people from the heavens don’t care about my life. Like they just want me to suffer. I don’t understand anymore.” I answer. Nana then places her hand on my shoulder and smiles warmly.

“God loves you Mary. You just need to believe.” She said then turned her eyes onto the TV screen. In the end, I guess she’s got a point. I just need to believe and get ready for a future and not think about the past that’s already dead. Regardless of what the higher powers are trying to convince me to know but yet not telling me jack shit. Sons of bitches gotta stop bothering me.

“Nana.”

“Yes.”

“What do you do when you feel your problems keep popping up in your day to day life?” I ask. Nana looks at me and sighs.

“I never really think about what to do, because my problems never leave me alone. With the bills and paying for the beer and cigarettes, I’m starting to feel like going back to Norway. Sometimes, I feel like it’d be for the best.” She says.

“But I stay here because of you and Cameron. You two are my favorite Grandchildren. Don’t forget that Mary. Never forget.” Nana said then patted my shoulder and smiled.

“I love you my Mary Angelica.”

“I love you too, Nana.”