C4 CATASTROPHE

I walked towards a bench and sat. I observed every people who were passing by on my front. I was in a crowded park, with me was just my phone. Today's sunday, so that's why there were many people here.

I was just observing for almost half an hour and decided to start typing.

I was busy typing reply on my phone when I felt someone sat beside me. I don't need to look at him. With just his scent, I already knew who it was.

"What are you doing here?"

"I was enjoying to spend time with myself, but now, it ruined."

He laughed a bit and stared at me, "Sumama ka na lang sa 'kin, may pupuntahan tayo."

"Saan na naman ba 'yan? Please, Jay, 'wag mo 'kong patabain. Ayokong kumain ngayon," I said and faced him.

"Ito naman, sige na. Libre ko naman, e," he said.

I rolled my eyes at him and he just chuckled. Gusto ko sanang mapag-isa ngayon, pero mangungulit lang 'tong epal na 'to hanggang mapapayag ako. So, yeah, sumama na 'ko.

We stopped in front of a restaurant. I sighed and massaged my head while he was busy looking for parking lot. He laughed, probably saw what I did.

"Come on, don't be like that. 'Di ka naman tataba sa pipiliin mong order, e."

I just sighed and shook my head. Lumabas na lang ako mula sa kotse kesa makipag-debate pa sa kanya.

I just ordered a vegetable salad and fruit shake. 'Yun lang 'yung healthy sa menu, e. And him? He was enjoying his foods. I don't know how he'd do to maintain his body built.

"Claire, may gagawin ka ba this Saturday?"

"Hmm, I'm not sure. Depende kay Sir Dan kung aattend s'ya sa Oblicon class namin. Bakit?"

"Gano'n ba? Hmm.. how about Sunday?"

I squinted my eyes while looking at him. "Bakit nga?" I asked.

He deeply stared at me. And suddenly, I felt something that I couldn't describe into words, there's something on my stomach.. and it's weird. So, I'd to look away for few seconds and looked at him again.

"What?" I asked.

"May sasabihin ako," he paused. "At ayokong pag-usapan 'yon ngayon. Kailangan ko pa ng isang linggo.. kaya sana pumayag kang makipag-kita sa 'kin sa linggo, Claire."

The next thing I knew, one week had passed. My mind's preoccupied to what he will tell to me. Sure, I had idea what is it. I'm not numb, but probably dumb. I knew his feelings for me but I always keep put barriers para hindi namin 'yun mapag-usapan.

But this time, he has a plan to lure it out. And I don't know what to do. Gusto kong marinig 'yon mula sa kanya pero may something sa 'kin na nagsasabing ipagpaliban na lang muna.

I am frustrated the whole Saturday night. I woke up early in the morning and I had no plan to get prepared. Hindi ko alam, gulong-gulo na 'ko.

Naisip ko din na baka ibang bagay 'yung sasabihin n'ya, at parang tanga lang ako dito na nag-iinarte. Pero ano pa bang sasabihin n'ya na kailangan n'ya pang paabutin ng isang linggo?

Afternoon came, and here I am, just staring at his text. He said na nando'n na s'ya at tinatanong na n'ya kung nasaan ako. Paano ko ba sasabihin sa kanya na hindi ako pupunta?

I was out of mind when I replied. I said I was not able to go out because I have something to do. And I got a reply from him few seconds after I texted him.

Jay:

I'll wait.

I heaved a sigh. Kahit anong sabihin ko maghihintay at maghihintay s'ya do'n. So, pumunta na 'ko. Halos isang oras pa bago ako makaalis ng bahay.

Nakita ko s'yang lumabas mula sa resto. Hindi ako nagtext sa kanya kaya siguro inisip n'ya na lang puntahan ako. So, I texted him na nasa kabilang bahagi ng daan ako. He stopped walking and got his phone from his pocket.

He then looked around and when our eyes met, he smiled. Naglakad s'ya papunta sa tabi ng daan. Ngayon magkatapat na kami at tanging pagitan namin ay ang pedestrian lane. When the stop light turned green, he started to walk towards me.

We were smiling but interrupted when we heard a loud and long beep coming, my smile slowly faded when I saw how fate ended his life. My whole universe stopped and every fiber of my being felt numb.

I stopped typing on my phone and sighed. I closed my eyes for few moments. I was told that I might be broke down while typing about him.

I have PTSD for almost a year. My doctor suggested that I could write about him if I'm not comfortable to tell it to anyone.

I opened my eyes and started to observe again.

There's someone who was your biggest Sana, who will make you think what if. And it hurts, when your questions will not have answers anymore, that those blanks of sentences will not fill up, not anymore.

Because that answers leave with him. And it sucks.