C2 Memoir

Itinuon ko ang aking atensyon sa kisame ng aming sariling bahay habang prente na nakahiga sa sariling kama. I just woke up but I can already feel the coldness of my surroundings. It is just so frustrating and makes me feel so sick.

Why did I even end up in this situation? Is it really my fault that I become selfish just for once in my lifetime?

Napapailing na lang ako sa tuwing naalala ko ang mga nakaraan. Kung hindi ko ba pinag-sapilitan ang gusto ko, hindi ba hahantong sa ganito kagulo ang buhay ko?

"Ciara!" Agad akong napabalikwas ng tayo mula sa pagkakahiga nang marinig ko ang sigaw ng asawa ko mula sa ibaba ng bahay namin. I hurried out of my room and ran down from the stairs. As I finally got down, I saw him dressed and seemed ready to go somewhere, his eyebrows were knitted that made him look so grumpy.

Where will he go again this time? Didn't he just leave yesterday? He's leaving so often, and I don't know where he goes. But still, I have a right to know, right? I'm still his wife. I have a right to know everything he will plan to do.

"You're leaving again? Where will you go this time?" I dare to ask him, though it's pretty obvious in my voice that I'm too nervous to speak to him, but still I managed to hide it from him. I don't know, but, every time I need to face and talk to him, I never lose the fear that was engulfing my whole system, it's always like this. Palaging nanghihina ang mga tuhod ko sa tuwing pinupukulan niya ako ng masasama niyang tingin. Pero wala naman akong magagawa sa nararamdaman ko dahil sa kagustuhan ko rin siyang makita at makasama kahit pa hindi ganoon ang nararamdaman niya.

I waited for him to speak, but I didn't get a reply from him. Instead, he just removed the glasses he was wearing and gently rolled rubbed the bridge of his nose, as if he were tired of answering my stupid questions.

"B-bakit mo nga pala ako tinawag—" I hadn't even finished what I got to say, when I felt his heavyweight palm hitted my cheeks. My lips were loosened because of shock and disbelief. I didn't expect that, and didn't see it coming. Napako ang paningin ko sa sofa na nasa gilid ko, as I fought my back in tears. I could even barely open my mouth when I felt the heat and dampness of the tears that were filling on the sides of my eyes. It hurts. It's so sick. I shut my eyes and inhaled some air just to ease the pain and stop the tears booming in my eyes.

It was just a slap, Cia. Don't cry.

Ayoko ng umiyak. Pakiusap, Ciara. Tama na ang pag-iyak. Pagod na pagod na ako.

Again, I unleashed a heavy sigh before turning my gaze up on him again and meeting his wicked, dark eyes that seemed to be furious. I gulped.

"Really, what is the use of you being alive?" I averted my gaze as I heard him uttering those words that made my heart clenched.

"You didn't even bother cleaning up this freaking mess?" He pointed out the trash that was cluttering around.

But he's the one who made it.

"What's your plan in life beside from sleeping all day inside your fucking room? For pete sake, it's already afternoon, yet you haven't cooked any food, Ciara! Are you really just going to lie down there and have fun?!" He exclaimed that made my head down.

'How could I even do the things I have to do, if you keep locking me in the abandoned room and you're just going to let me out only if you want.' I wanted to open my mouth to speak for myself, but silence prevailed on me, because he has a point. Dapat manlang ay gumising ako ng maaga para ipagluto siya dahil ganoon naman talaga ang ginagawa ng mga asawa.

"I-im sorry—"

"Get lost!" Asik nito, kasabay ng pagtulak sa akin dahilan para sumalampak ako sa sahig, pero hindi ko na ininda pa ang sakit at mabilis na tumayo para sundan ang paglabas niya ng bahay.

"Tyron." Napahinto ako sa pagtakbo at sunod-sunod na napalunok nang kunot noo ako nitong harapin.

"H-huwag ka munang umalis, hintayin mo ako. Magluluto lang ako saglit." I tried to stop him from leaving, but I was also immediately stopped when he uttered something that made my heart clenched.

"There's no need. Waiting for you is such a waste of time." He mumbled. I can feel my body shaking.

"W-wait. Can you at least tell me where you were going? What time will you be back so that I can at least prepare food for you before you come home." I tried to clear my voice when I asked him again, but because of his dark aura, the nervousness in my chest only increased, causing me to stutter.

I smiled bitterly because of the fact that he was just forced to marry me. To this day he still can't love me.

"You don't have to wait for me because I'll be seeing my wife. Do whatever you want. Just don't you fucking dare leaving my house and try to outrun me." It was a cold response from him, before he was completely out of sight. But I got stuck where I was standing when he said something that made me frozen and kept on echoing inside my head.

I'm used to how he always threatened me, but... he has a wife? Beside me?

The fact that he only had forcibly married me made me smile bitterly. He still cannot love me until now. He never once made me feel that I was his wife. What should I even expect?

(A flashback)

2 years ago..

"Can you fucking leave and get out of my sight?!" His very loud voice echoed in the four corners of our house, causing me to shut my eyes tightly. It's been a month since we got married and moved into the same house, we got along well at first, but since he started drowning himself in alcohol, his treatment of me has changed, but I try to understand and I just accept all the painful words he's throwing at me, knowing he was just drunk.

"Ty, lasing ka na. Akin na 'yang baso, please. Ihahatid na rin kita sa kwarto mo," I tried on reaching out for a glass he was holding with wine still in his hand.

"Didn't I tell you to leave?! Can't you fucking get that? Is it that hard to understand? I said. Leave!"

"You're drunk, Tyron. Ano ba? Listen to me at least once. You're not the only one who's having a hard time here," I pleaded. I've stopped him earlier, but he really doesn't want to listen.

"Edi umalis ka." I was momentarily taken aback by what he said.

"Ano bang sinasabi mo?" I tried not to crack my voice. He scoffed as he averted his gaze on me. My vision was starting to get blurry, but it still remained pinned on him.

"Why did you even need to come into my life?" My heart seemed to pound as his sharp eye turned toward me.

"Are you that dumb para hindi mo mapansin?" He clicked his tongue inside his mouth.

"I still wonder why you agreed to this fucking arranged marriage, though it's obvious to you that I don't like you and I want to marry someone else," my lips parted.

"Are you that desperate?" That question devastated my heart. I could feel the corner of my eye getting wet from the pain I was feeling.

Desperate? Gano'n 'yung tingin niya sa'kin?

"Well, congrats. You completely ruined my fucking life."

"Ano bang sinasabi mo? You're drunk," my lips quivered, forcing the conversation to change.

"And now you're acting as if you're the one who's innocent here, huh? Did you even know that you ruined my life? You didn't fucking know how much I'm damn wasted right now, because I lost the only person I loved just because of this freaking nonsense marriage!"

My eyes were spared when I felt my tears running down my cheeks. I knew that I was the only one who wanted it, but he didn't have to make me feel that it was my fault.

"It's not my fault," I said softly. I barely jumped in when I heard him chuckling after he stood up from sitting on the sofa.

"Really?" He asked sarcastically.

"I begged you, Ciara. I begged you not only twice, but fucking a lot of times! I begged you to help me not to continue this marriage because you know, you know at the time that I was about to propose to someone I loved. But what did you do? You were the one who forced your parents to continue the wedding, even though it's obvious that I already have a plan and I don't want to stick with you! You're so selfish, do you even know that? Do you know how evil you are? You ruined my life."

My heart was even more broken by the last thing he said. And I know that's true. I became selfish at that time, because I wanted to be with you even though I knew you loved someone else, but is it that bad to hope that there's still a chance for you to love me? I know I'm wrong, but that's the only way I had, so even though I know you don't want to, I still insisted because of my own will, even though I knew that the decision I was making would only ruin your life.

"I'm sorry."

I had so much in mind to say, but that's the only word that came out of my mouth.

"Your sorry won't change the story, you still marry me as a reason to lose the person I love." I felt his footsteps approaching me, but I kept my own head bowed and my eyes fixed on the floor.

"It's your fault, so don't expect me to love you back, because no matter what you do, you're still the reason why I lost everything." He left me dumbfounded.